It's funny to me, how sometimes I am faced with several people I love all having the same "issue" at the same time. It seems to me, when this happens, it is a clue from God that I should look deep inside and see what I can learn from the lesson being brought before me over and over (it would also appear, that I can be a very slow learner, thus the need to have the same issue brought before me over and over).
Recently, I have been talking to a few friends and loved ones about marriage. It is hard-perhaps harder than it should be. After all, two completely independent people with their own ideas, upbringing, beliefs and baggage should be able to meld seamlessly together if God intended them to be together-right? WRONG!
The thing is, God doesn't work like that. He doesn't say that things are easy if they are right-in fact, oftentimes, it is the opposite. Doing what is right and godly, can be difficult, lonely and fraught with frustration. Marriage is like that. It's hard, it's work and it's possibly one of the most challenging relationships we enter into.
The truth is, marriage is two people coming together.
Did you get that? It is two individual people! We all have our pasts and upbringings, which shape who we are. Experiences, education, familial relationships, thoughts, personalities and choices in friends, colleagues, etc, all come together to shape who we are as individuals. It's why the human race is so full of diversity and beauty. It's why two siblings can perceive their same childhood in completely different ways and that in turn shapes who they are. Some of us are motivated by hardship and rise up when faced with adversity, but wither in consistency and times of peace. Others of us shrivel up and crumble under pressure, but thrive in the rhythm of a steady life.
Part of Gods greatest plan is that, oftentimes, people with opposite traits are attracted to each other. For example, I love to be social, I crave the approval (though I hate this about myself, it is true) of others and seek to be liked and accepted by others. I love to be surrounded by many people and feel most at home in large crowds. My husband could not be more different. He loves solitude and being in his own mind. He is a thinker. Large crowds make him uncomfortable, but taking a long hike alone in the woods, or sitting alone in a canoe on a lake is his ideal day. This can cause strife between us. many times, he would prefer to stay home, when I want to go out. He would prefer camping vacations, while I most desire trips to big cities.
When we bring two separate lives together, many compromises need to be made. Initially, marriage is hard because we are learning how to find the middle ground and what is worth compromising on and what is too important to give up. However, as the years pass, the real difficulty sets in. We become comfortable, we settle into our lives and routines. The schedules of work and family take over and we lose sight of what a precious gift our spouses are. We may begin to feel taken advantage of, or overlooked and forgotten.
We try not to say anything, because we don't want to be seen as whining, or complaining. That is not the answer. When one spouse feels uncared for, usually it is because there is a basic need that is not being met. How can the other spouse fulfill this need if the two adults don't discuss it?
I am guilty of that sometimes. My husband struggles to make me feel loved. I know he loves me, he can be very loving, but still I don't feel loved. I used to think that was because he didn't care enough to learn what was important to me. I now know, that many times, I don't know what I need. I sometimes struggle with needing to be strong and worry that when I can't be strong, I will no longer warrant his love. In those days, I need to know it's ok to be vulnerable. Sometimes, I need to know he is proud of me, or that he thinks I am wonderful and amazing.
Marriage is hard because we are individuals who are trying to become one. People will tell you, if you put your faith in God everything will be fine-and they are right. That being said, everything being fine, does not mean it will be easy and without bumps. I once heard a friend say that marriage is like a roller coaster. You go up and down, you get thrown from side to side, flipped upside down and spun around at high speeds. Sometimes you can see whats ahead, many times you do not. However, if the marriage is strong, you finish it together, and when your feet are safely back on solid ground, you are so glad you did it! The twists and turns and high speed shenanigans made the ride memorable, exciting and maybe taught you a bit about yourself.
Marriage is hard, but the benefits are so worth the effort! To be able to come home to one person who understands you, who gets you and who loves you even when you don't deserve it, that is the epitome of Gods love. We get a glimpse of His love for us, when we enter into a marriage and do what it takes to make it survive.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Judgement
Why do we insist on judging others when we all know that it is wrong? The Bible tells us, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye" (Matt 7:3,5).
We are taught as children not to be judgmental and harsh with others. We teach our children to "play nice" with others, indicating that we al know better. I see a lot of adults who are harsh and judgmental towards other adults.
We all judge others, but why? What purpose is served by passing judgement? One thing we all get from passing judgement is the feeling of superiority. Few of us will admit it, but the truth is, when we are looking down on someone else, it makes us feel better about who we are and the choices we make. We all have self doubt from time to time, and I have found that we judge the harshest, that which we have the most self doubt. For example, if I doubt myself as a mother, I will judge other parents more harshly.
Judging others doesn't help them in any way, it certainly does not approach others from a place of love and compassion. What we do get, is the feeling that we are "at least doing better than " others. It is not right, we know it, but yet we do it. Instead of judging others, we need to look into ourselves. When we are feeling judgmental, perhaps we should take pause and look at our own self doubts. Instead of judging others, we need to push ourselves to do better in our lives.
We need to start taking personal responsibility. It is not the job of the rest of the world to make us feel better. It is up to us to make ourselves feel better. If you doubt your abilities as a spouse, then take time to talk to your spouse and figure out how to do better. If you judge others parenting, look at your own and find a way to improve your parenting skills. We can begin to use the judgmental thoughts we all have for good-as motivation to keep improving.
Sometimes, we judge because we truly see injustice and is upsets us. Things like abuse, trafficking, war and hatred demand our righteous judgement. The Bible calls us to judge things, but to still love others. What does that mean? It means if we judge something righteously, then we are called to take action. Sure all these things offend each of us, but when we find that we are judging something even more than others, we need to stop and listen to our hearts, because it is in those moments that God is calling us to do our best works.
If we judge others for walking past the homeless, then we are being called by God to take action and care for the homeless. Domestic abuse angers most of us, but if you find yourself really judging the abusers and those who stay, then take action for God is touching your heart and asking you to make a difference.
We are all created for a purpose, and I believe that it is in our deepest reactions, our truest, most honest moments that we learn what the purpose is. When we are not safe, when we push ourselves to love more, to do better and to be our best, we become living examples of Gods plan and love for the world.
We are taught as children not to be judgmental and harsh with others. We teach our children to "play nice" with others, indicating that we al know better. I see a lot of adults who are harsh and judgmental towards other adults.
We all judge others, but why? What purpose is served by passing judgement? One thing we all get from passing judgement is the feeling of superiority. Few of us will admit it, but the truth is, when we are looking down on someone else, it makes us feel better about who we are and the choices we make. We all have self doubt from time to time, and I have found that we judge the harshest, that which we have the most self doubt. For example, if I doubt myself as a mother, I will judge other parents more harshly.
Judging others doesn't help them in any way, it certainly does not approach others from a place of love and compassion. What we do get, is the feeling that we are "at least doing better than " others. It is not right, we know it, but yet we do it. Instead of judging others, we need to look into ourselves. When we are feeling judgmental, perhaps we should take pause and look at our own self doubts. Instead of judging others, we need to push ourselves to do better in our lives.
We need to start taking personal responsibility. It is not the job of the rest of the world to make us feel better. It is up to us to make ourselves feel better. If you doubt your abilities as a spouse, then take time to talk to your spouse and figure out how to do better. If you judge others parenting, look at your own and find a way to improve your parenting skills. We can begin to use the judgmental thoughts we all have for good-as motivation to keep improving.
Sometimes, we judge because we truly see injustice and is upsets us. Things like abuse, trafficking, war and hatred demand our righteous judgement. The Bible calls us to judge things, but to still love others. What does that mean? It means if we judge something righteously, then we are called to take action. Sure all these things offend each of us, but when we find that we are judging something even more than others, we need to stop and listen to our hearts, because it is in those moments that God is calling us to do our best works.
If we judge others for walking past the homeless, then we are being called by God to take action and care for the homeless. Domestic abuse angers most of us, but if you find yourself really judging the abusers and those who stay, then take action for God is touching your heart and asking you to make a difference.
We are all created for a purpose, and I believe that it is in our deepest reactions, our truest, most honest moments that we learn what the purpose is. When we are not safe, when we push ourselves to love more, to do better and to be our best, we become living examples of Gods plan and love for the world.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
"I am Your Mother"
Today, my grown up son and his girlfriend boarded a plane and headed to Miami. He begins a new job Monday, and they are looking for a place to live. His girlfriend will rejoin him in about a month, but will return to Seattle next week. Here's the thing, I worry about him.
Yes, he is 26 years old. Yes, he is highly respected in the scientific community and yes, he is a capable adult. When I tell him that I worry about him starting over in a new city, and I ask if he checked the crime statistics of different neighborhoods, or if he has planned for the cost of shipping his items, he rolls his eyes and provides a polite, yet frustrated answer. I know he is grown up, but here are some things he doesn't understand:
Yes, he is 26 years old. Yes, he is highly respected in the scientific community and yes, he is a capable adult. When I tell him that I worry about him starting over in a new city, and I ask if he checked the crime statistics of different neighborhoods, or if he has planned for the cost of shipping his items, he rolls his eyes and provides a polite, yet frustrated answer. I know he is grown up, but here are some things he doesn't understand:
- I am your mother. I gave birth to you. For nine months I was terribly aware that every decision I made affected you directly. When I ate spicy food, you became angry and let me know that you did not agree (ironic since you love spicy food now). As I was the only one who could protect you then, I feel a special sense of responsibility-that will not go away simply because you have decided that you are grown up.
- I am your mother. I watched you grown, explore the world and find your way. I cleaned many scraped knees, told you that you were fine, kissed more boo-boos than I can count. I have seen friends and family frustrate you (me included), I have watched you make friends and lose them. I was there when you succeeded and when you failed and I cheered you on every step of the way. When you succeeded, my heart soared with pride, when you failed, it hurt for you. When you were struggling to find your way, I was there to walk you through and guide you to many decisions who made you who you are. I also knew when to step back and let you make decisions that I did not agree with, to help you learn.
- I am your mother. Remember all those nights you were out dating? I stayed awake and prayed that you remembered to treat those girls with respect and kindness. I watched you fall in love, and get your heart broken. I was there when you realized that the first girl you fell in love with, was not the only girl. I watched you go off to college and develop a strong sense of who you are and what you have to bring to a relationship. I watched you get married, and was there when your world crashed in around you. I cried for you every night as you struggled, and I rejoiced when your heart began to heal and you realized that you could-and would-love again.
- I am your mother. I know you better than you think. I am proud of you, I watched you grow up into a fine young man. I pray for you every night, that you will continue to know success, that you will continue your walk in Gods ways, and that you will be happy. I pray for your safety, for you to know that you are loved more than you will ever know, and that you will one day have a child of your own, so that you will realize the great love a parent has for a child.
- I AM YOUR MOTHER! That means, no matter how smart you are, how old you are or how incredibly successful you are I will always worry about you. You are a piece of me. My heart feels your pride, your fear and your apprehension. When you dream, I dream for you. I would give my life for you to have every blessing and to know no pain or disappointment. But I also know that the world is the world. It is not your mother. The rest of the world may care for you, but there are plenty of people who will hurt you or take advantage of you to advance themselves. I will rejoice when you succeed and I will hurt when you hurt.
So there it is. As a mother, I will not stop worrying about him. I can see the journey ahead of him, and I am excited for him and for the opportunities that await him. Still, I want this move to be smooth and free of frustration, so I will worry and I will continue to ask the frustrating questions. To him, I have three words of wisdom "Get over it". Some day he will be a parent and maybe then he will understand.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Sometimes a New Perspective is Just what We Need
I have always admired those people who can pack a bag and head off on a vacation alone. The fact that there are some people who can contentedly tour a new city without the security of loved ones always struck me as strong and confident. This week, I entered the ranks of those wonderfully amazing people. I went cross country and took a 5 day vacation alone. It was exhilarating, full of memories and I learned a few things along the way!
To begin with, let me say that I love my family and I love vacationing with them. That being said, it was nice to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. No negotiating, no planning and no doing some crazy stuff that holds no interest for me at all to keep someone else happy. This week was about me. I went to Seattle to see my son (whom I am so proud of) present his Masters thesis-that took a total of 2 hours. The rest of the time I explored the city, spent time with him and his lovely girlfriend, took an adventure and read more books than I thought possible in such a short time.
During my time in Seattle, I learned that when we have a new perspective (i.e. seeing a whole city alone instead of in the comfort of loved ones) we learn things we never knew we didn't know. I learned things about myself, my son, the world and society. Below are some of my newfound insights-for those who are interested.
I am responsible for my life:
Sounds like a "duh" moment, I know, but let me explain. When I have travelled with family, or even with friends, if a weekend or vacation was not fun, there was always a reason that could be deflected off of me. Comments like "I really wanted to spend more time seeing the city center, but D really wanted to go for that long hike" or "It would have been great to spend more time walking around, and doing what the locals do, but everyone else wanted to do the tourist things" are easily said.
These comments mean one thing-the trip could have been better if it wasn't for someone else. That's not what I think when I say them, but the truth is, that is what they mean. When I went to Seattle, there was no one else. My son was presenting his thesis, and he told me on the front end that he would only have a few hours (he is moving to Miami tomorrow for a new job, so he was crazy busy tying up loose ends in Seattle before moving), so if my trip was boring, or a wasted mass of time, it was all on me.
It was not-I was busy and saw a lot, but there was some pressure on me to make the trip my own, to be sure that I relished every single minute of it. If I came back and thought "It would have been nice to have seen this or to have done that" it was on me. What I learned, is that when I put all the responsibility on me, and take away the excuse of someone else, I do things differently. I push harder, I make a point of thinking through decisions and I am more willing to make sacrifices because I feel worth it.
Turns out, I can be very lazy (not a huge surprise to those who know me well). If my family wants pizza for dinner, I tell myself that I'm just being a better wife/mother by giving them what they want, and that if I could choose the dinner it would be healthier (it probably wouldn't be much healthier). If my husband doesn't want to go to the gym or take a long walk with me, I don't go rationalizing that I need to spend time with him. In Seattle, those excuses were gone and I made healthy food choices, I exercised and I took control-losing 4pounds in the process.
I learned that I can love my husband with all my heart, but it is my responsibility to take care of myself. It is not his job to be sure that I make good choices. It is not anybody else's responsibility to make sure I feel good about my life. My life is just that-MY LIFE! It is up to me to see what I want, do what I desire and make the absolute most of every moment. If I waste it, then it is my fault and nobody else's (I am sure this will not be the last post on this topic).
Our children grow up
Again, I am not a dullard who thought that my son would stay that adoring three year old forever-nor would I want him to. One of the best things in my life has been watching him grow up and mature into an adult. When he was at home, it was exciting for me to see him enter pre-adolescence and develop his own ideas about the world and society.
That said, once he left for college, he always seemed like the 18 year old we dropped off in Madison. Sure he matured a bit, but I always saw him as that 18 year old boy with no fear and minimal common sense to guide him (can anyone say bad decisions?). When he presented his thesis, I saw him as a professional. He had department heads come and industry professionals come to take notes on his research. For the first time, I saw him as an adult and professional man. Talk about a head shaker!
When did he go from the crazy kid that I had to tell not to take flaming shot just because his friends find it funny to this knowledgeable and respected professional in his field? How did I not see it?
The truth is our children grow up-and they don't always tell us that they are doing it. Lesson to all parents, pay attention and relish every minute-one day you will look at your darling son/daughter who cannot even tie their own shoes, and they will be an adult with a family of their own, a professional career and looking to finance their retirement (yikes!) and you will realize the life passes in a blink.
Everybody has a story-most we will never know
One of the things I had the privilege of doing was talking with several people. I met a gentleman at the hotel I stayed at that went to school for political science, against his parents wishes, and found that he really did not enjoy the work in life, so he works at a front desk in a hotel. He likes the people he meets, but truthfully, he wishes he has followed his passion to do something outdoors like be a fishing guide.
I met a young man who was born in Wisconsin, attended UW-Madison then moved to Seattle and opened an Eco-tourism business, following his dreams. He was happy and loved every minute of life and told me that he cannot believe he gets to do what he loves for a job. He also told me that he misses the people of Wisconsin and loves coming home.
I met a woman who was traveling with her husband, though they did not agree on how to spend their time. We met on a whale watching trip, he wanted to come for the picture opportunities, she did not (she had a lot of fun and was glad that she went).
I had the honor of speaking with a mother and daughter who were taking a vacation together after not spending time together for a few years, just due to life. They had a great time and the way they interacted was good for a mother to see. The love between mother and daughter was strong, it reminded me of the fact that even though we grow up (see point above) we never really stop being our parents children.
The thing that struck me was that every single person we see, has a story. We are quick to judge others based on what we see, but every person has a story. That lady crying silently on the plane as it takes off, may have just said good bye to her only son and was feeling overwhelmed with sadness of not seeing him for a long time and pride over the fine man he has grown into. That homeless man on the street, may have been very successful at one time, and a tragedy took it all away. Even the business man walking hurriedly to get to work-he may be rushing to be on time for an important presentation that holds to potential to change his career.
The point is, we don't know. I am fascinated by people stories. I always have been. I think thats why I love social work. I hear peoples stories all day, and I love it.
Life is bigger than me
One of my adventures was a whale watching trip, it was amazing. To see the creatures, who are social, compassionate beings was awe inspiring. We saw Orcas, sea lions and seals. We went through tidal currents and past mountains. What jumped out to me was that our creator created more than just me!
Life is about taking care of all the gifts of this world: the environment, the animals, others. There are wars in Israel and the middle east, there is poverty in nearly every country, abuse of others, cruelty to animals, and plenty of damage to the environment. Why a whale watching tour made me more aware of social issues is beyond me, but it did. Maybe because I had the great fortune to see two pods of whales greet each other and heard the naturalist tell the passengers that whales are compassionate and social animals who frequently greet friends in other pods and show concern if a pod member has not arrived. Maybe because even though these great big creatures have to work for everything, they still find time to care for each other, to play and to have fun!
I'm not sure, but that trip did make me realize what we all say-life is bigger than me. The truth is, although I have said it in the past, my prayers were centered on my life. I seldom prayed for those in war torn countries, those whom I don't know who are alone, afraid or taking on a challenge. I have started to add complete strangers to my prayers. I continue to pray for my family and friends, but now I take time to pray for those who are in need, even if I don't know them. I am a tiny little cog in the big plans of a big God. My focus is clearer, and I am so grateful!
In the next few days, I will write more about my trip to Seattle-truly a trip of a lifetime!
To begin with, let me say that I love my family and I love vacationing with them. That being said, it was nice to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. No negotiating, no planning and no doing some crazy stuff that holds no interest for me at all to keep someone else happy. This week was about me. I went to Seattle to see my son (whom I am so proud of) present his Masters thesis-that took a total of 2 hours. The rest of the time I explored the city, spent time with him and his lovely girlfriend, took an adventure and read more books than I thought possible in such a short time.
During my time in Seattle, I learned that when we have a new perspective (i.e. seeing a whole city alone instead of in the comfort of loved ones) we learn things we never knew we didn't know. I learned things about myself, my son, the world and society. Below are some of my newfound insights-for those who are interested.
I am responsible for my life:
Sounds like a "duh" moment, I know, but let me explain. When I have travelled with family, or even with friends, if a weekend or vacation was not fun, there was always a reason that could be deflected off of me. Comments like "I really wanted to spend more time seeing the city center, but D really wanted to go for that long hike" or "It would have been great to spend more time walking around, and doing what the locals do, but everyone else wanted to do the tourist things" are easily said.
These comments mean one thing-the trip could have been better if it wasn't for someone else. That's not what I think when I say them, but the truth is, that is what they mean. When I went to Seattle, there was no one else. My son was presenting his thesis, and he told me on the front end that he would only have a few hours (he is moving to Miami tomorrow for a new job, so he was crazy busy tying up loose ends in Seattle before moving), so if my trip was boring, or a wasted mass of time, it was all on me.
It was not-I was busy and saw a lot, but there was some pressure on me to make the trip my own, to be sure that I relished every single minute of it. If I came back and thought "It would have been nice to have seen this or to have done that" it was on me. What I learned, is that when I put all the responsibility on me, and take away the excuse of someone else, I do things differently. I push harder, I make a point of thinking through decisions and I am more willing to make sacrifices because I feel worth it.
Turns out, I can be very lazy (not a huge surprise to those who know me well). If my family wants pizza for dinner, I tell myself that I'm just being a better wife/mother by giving them what they want, and that if I could choose the dinner it would be healthier (it probably wouldn't be much healthier). If my husband doesn't want to go to the gym or take a long walk with me, I don't go rationalizing that I need to spend time with him. In Seattle, those excuses were gone and I made healthy food choices, I exercised and I took control-losing 4pounds in the process.
I learned that I can love my husband with all my heart, but it is my responsibility to take care of myself. It is not his job to be sure that I make good choices. It is not anybody else's responsibility to make sure I feel good about my life. My life is just that-MY LIFE! It is up to me to see what I want, do what I desire and make the absolute most of every moment. If I waste it, then it is my fault and nobody else's (I am sure this will not be the last post on this topic).
Our children grow up
Again, I am not a dullard who thought that my son would stay that adoring three year old forever-nor would I want him to. One of the best things in my life has been watching him grow up and mature into an adult. When he was at home, it was exciting for me to see him enter pre-adolescence and develop his own ideas about the world and society.
That said, once he left for college, he always seemed like the 18 year old we dropped off in Madison. Sure he matured a bit, but I always saw him as that 18 year old boy with no fear and minimal common sense to guide him (can anyone say bad decisions?). When he presented his thesis, I saw him as a professional. He had department heads come and industry professionals come to take notes on his research. For the first time, I saw him as an adult and professional man. Talk about a head shaker!
When did he go from the crazy kid that I had to tell not to take flaming shot just because his friends find it funny to this knowledgeable and respected professional in his field? How did I not see it?
The truth is our children grow up-and they don't always tell us that they are doing it. Lesson to all parents, pay attention and relish every minute-one day you will look at your darling son/daughter who cannot even tie their own shoes, and they will be an adult with a family of their own, a professional career and looking to finance their retirement (yikes!) and you will realize the life passes in a blink.
Everybody has a story-most we will never know
One of the things I had the privilege of doing was talking with several people. I met a gentleman at the hotel I stayed at that went to school for political science, against his parents wishes, and found that he really did not enjoy the work in life, so he works at a front desk in a hotel. He likes the people he meets, but truthfully, he wishes he has followed his passion to do something outdoors like be a fishing guide.
I met a young man who was born in Wisconsin, attended UW-Madison then moved to Seattle and opened an Eco-tourism business, following his dreams. He was happy and loved every minute of life and told me that he cannot believe he gets to do what he loves for a job. He also told me that he misses the people of Wisconsin and loves coming home.
I met a woman who was traveling with her husband, though they did not agree on how to spend their time. We met on a whale watching trip, he wanted to come for the picture opportunities, she did not (she had a lot of fun and was glad that she went).
I had the honor of speaking with a mother and daughter who were taking a vacation together after not spending time together for a few years, just due to life. They had a great time and the way they interacted was good for a mother to see. The love between mother and daughter was strong, it reminded me of the fact that even though we grow up (see point above) we never really stop being our parents children.
The thing that struck me was that every single person we see, has a story. We are quick to judge others based on what we see, but every person has a story. That lady crying silently on the plane as it takes off, may have just said good bye to her only son and was feeling overwhelmed with sadness of not seeing him for a long time and pride over the fine man he has grown into. That homeless man on the street, may have been very successful at one time, and a tragedy took it all away. Even the business man walking hurriedly to get to work-he may be rushing to be on time for an important presentation that holds to potential to change his career.
The point is, we don't know. I am fascinated by people stories. I always have been. I think thats why I love social work. I hear peoples stories all day, and I love it.
Life is bigger than me
One of my adventures was a whale watching trip, it was amazing. To see the creatures, who are social, compassionate beings was awe inspiring. We saw Orcas, sea lions and seals. We went through tidal currents and past mountains. What jumped out to me was that our creator created more than just me!
Life is about taking care of all the gifts of this world: the environment, the animals, others. There are wars in Israel and the middle east, there is poverty in nearly every country, abuse of others, cruelty to animals, and plenty of damage to the environment. Why a whale watching tour made me more aware of social issues is beyond me, but it did. Maybe because I had the great fortune to see two pods of whales greet each other and heard the naturalist tell the passengers that whales are compassionate and social animals who frequently greet friends in other pods and show concern if a pod member has not arrived. Maybe because even though these great big creatures have to work for everything, they still find time to care for each other, to play and to have fun!
I'm not sure, but that trip did make me realize what we all say-life is bigger than me. The truth is, although I have said it in the past, my prayers were centered on my life. I seldom prayed for those in war torn countries, those whom I don't know who are alone, afraid or taking on a challenge. I have started to add complete strangers to my prayers. I continue to pray for my family and friends, but now I take time to pray for those who are in need, even if I don't know them. I am a tiny little cog in the big plans of a big God. My focus is clearer, and I am so grateful!
In the next few days, I will write more about my trip to Seattle-truly a trip of a lifetime!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Proud Momma
My son is preparing to close a chapter in his life that he has worked towards for over 6 years. He is getting ready to defend his Masters degree thesis. Of course, as his mother, I am proud of him and his accomplishment.
I am preparing to go to Seattle to watch him close out this chapter in his life. In doing so, I have been reminiscing about all he has done to make himself as successful as he is. he has worked so hard and has made the most of every single opportunity that came his way-even ones most of us would have let pass by. He is diligent in his work, plays hard and has a strong sense of loyalty along with an incredible work ethic.
I am proud of those things, but more importantly, I am proud of the man he has become. He doesn't go to church as often as I would like, but when I see him, I can see the fire of the Holy Spirit in him. I can see how genuine he is, how he cares more deeply than he allows most to see. I am proud that he has integrity, that he is honest, that he cares about others, that he strives to be the best version of himself everyday. He inspires others, yet he is modest.
I know that every mother loves their children, they should-children are Gods gift to us. They are a perfect reflection of our best and worst qualities at the same moment. I think that it is so important that we remember this as parents, that we remember that the things we love most about our children are the things we either love the most about ourselves, or are qualities we wish we had. The things that frustrate us the most, convict us of our own shortcomings.
Some people have said to me, that maybe my son would be embarrassed by having his parents at his defense. I don't agree with this. Every child, no matter how old, wants to have their parents approval and acceptance. We all want to know that our parents are proud of us, that they believe the world is a better place because we are here. I firmly believe that the world is better because my son is here. I will be there to shout to the world just how proud of this young man I am.
I cannot wait to see him achieve the dream he has worked at for so long. In addition, I want him to know how incredibly proud of him his daddy and I are. I just had to share with the world what an incredible gift I was given nearly 26 years ago, and I thank God every single day for him.
Way to go son!
I am preparing to go to Seattle to watch him close out this chapter in his life. In doing so, I have been reminiscing about all he has done to make himself as successful as he is. he has worked so hard and has made the most of every single opportunity that came his way-even ones most of us would have let pass by. He is diligent in his work, plays hard and has a strong sense of loyalty along with an incredible work ethic.
I am proud of those things, but more importantly, I am proud of the man he has become. He doesn't go to church as often as I would like, but when I see him, I can see the fire of the Holy Spirit in him. I can see how genuine he is, how he cares more deeply than he allows most to see. I am proud that he has integrity, that he is honest, that he cares about others, that he strives to be the best version of himself everyday. He inspires others, yet he is modest.
I know that every mother loves their children, they should-children are Gods gift to us. They are a perfect reflection of our best and worst qualities at the same moment. I think that it is so important that we remember this as parents, that we remember that the things we love most about our children are the things we either love the most about ourselves, or are qualities we wish we had. The things that frustrate us the most, convict us of our own shortcomings.
Some people have said to me, that maybe my son would be embarrassed by having his parents at his defense. I don't agree with this. Every child, no matter how old, wants to have their parents approval and acceptance. We all want to know that our parents are proud of us, that they believe the world is a better place because we are here. I firmly believe that the world is better because my son is here. I will be there to shout to the world just how proud of this young man I am.
I cannot wait to see him achieve the dream he has worked at for so long. In addition, I want him to know how incredibly proud of him his daddy and I are. I just had to share with the world what an incredible gift I was given nearly 26 years ago, and I thank God every single day for him.
Way to go son!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Helping Loved Ones be Patient in Times of Suffering
We all struggle from time to time. Each one of us will endure times of great suffering and hardship-sometimes of our own doing, sometimes not. It is true that our choices affect what happens to us; I doubt anyone would deny that. Obviously, if you make the choice not to get up and go to work every day, you will not be employed very long, which then brings on financial hardships, loss of property, etc.
Sometimes we are asked to walk through times of trials and suffering out of circumstance. A parent of an autistic child never made a choice that caused the disease. In fact, ask any parent of a special needs child and they will tell you that they would give anything to take away the suffering their children experience everyday. The young woman who lost her husband as he was off to war defending his country, did not do anything to cause his passing; in fact, she would most likely do anything to have him back-if even for one more day.
We all are asked to walk through periods of trials and struggles. I have written often of the period in my life when I lost six people who were very close to me in a very short period. The loss was profound and definitely changed who I am at the core. I used to ask why, then I realized the change that resulted was why.
God wants us to have the best life possible, and he will sometimes allow us to struggle in order to give us the opportunity to make the changes needed to achieve our best life. James 1:2-3 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fact trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". It is through the perseverance that develops when our faith is tested that we grow the most. It is when we feel the most vulnerable and most likely to allow God to produce great change within us.
The fact that trials and struggles are both necessary and beneficial to us, does not make it easier to walk through these. Times of personal struggle can be very isolating and lonely, we can feel as if no one understands, and as if we cannot find our way out of the darkness. We all know what it is like to feel alone in times of struggle, and I believe this is part of the reason we all feel a deep desire to help others who are struggling.
When we "help" others who are struggling, there are some things not to do. The following list is compiled from experiences I have had, and from discussions with hundreds of families who have gone through suffering and trials (being a social worker has the benefit of gaining several perspectives of a topic).
Suggesting God is using the trial to punish someone:
I cannot believe I have to say this, but sadly I do. While God does discipline his people for their own good, He does not ever use hardship and trials to punish us for an action or lack of action! Jesus paid the price for our sins already, no punishment is ever needed or given. God will sometimes allow us to walk through a period of difficulty, not in reaction to something done or not done, but rather to give us the opportunity to reap a blessing.
I have had people who I valued in my life say to me during times of extreme hardship that "You must have done something that God is punishing you for, what do you think it is?" I know this person thought they were being helpful, but they were not. Hearing this could have the potential of making the person suffering to feel like God is vengeful and angry, not compassionate and full of love.
The truth of God is that he is a loving God, he does not "make us" walk through trials, rather he allows us (remember Job?) to go through trials for a reason. He sees the growth and blessings that can result from trials and hardship.
Suggesting the hardship is for the best:
This is different than reminding others that God uses hardship to bring blessings and that He knows more than we ever can. I am appalled by the number of times I have been told by parents who have lost children, that loved ones tried to comfort them with comments like "God must have known your son/daughter was going to wander away from his/her faith, so He took them home, what a blessing" What?!?! Are you kidding? Don't ever say this to a parent who has lost a child, it is mean, lacking in insight and thoughtless- and it causes much more pain than you can ever imagine.
Trials are for our benefit, and God always has a plan, but it is seldom helpful to hear that the deepest pain we are feeling is "for the best". When we experience a significant loss, or hardship, we need to be reminded that God loves us and will walk us through the challenge.
What is helpful?
I'm glad you asked! What is helpful, is to be there in love. Sometimes, you cannot fix a problem, all you can do is be there. When my mom passed away, I was out of the state and needed to fly back. One of my closest friends met me at the airport, meals in her car, and she just drove me to my moms home. She didn't make me talk, she allowed me to make that 45 min drive in silence and when I got our of her car, she just gave me a hug and said that she loved me.
That was more helpful and compassionate than the others who told me to be happy because my mother was not suffering anymore. While I knew that was true, I was suffering a lot! All I knew in that moment was that my heart was ripped open, raw with the recent loss and that I wanted my mom back. The act of my friend, to not only show up, but to be comfortable just being with me, with no expectation, allowed me a chance to feel the pain and not feel completely alone.
When you counsel someone who is hurting, suffering or walking through a trial- remind them of Gods love. Remind them that while we do not always have the answers, God does. We don't always need the answers, we need faith. We need to trust and hold on to Gods love. He has told us that he will not leave us or forsake us, that he will hold us in his hands, and that he catches all our tears. Remind them that they are precious in Gods eyes and he will bring them through this trial.
Help loved ones see that God has already prepared them. I have found that God always prepares us, and gives us what we need before we go through a trial. He puts people in our lives who can understand, who love us and who can provide support. He gives us insight, builds our strength and resolve prior to us going through hardship. I know two families who have autistic children, when I see them, I am amazed at the grace and strength which they use to parent. God gave them what they needed to survive.
The bottom line is, if we remember to be there in love and not feel like we have to find a reason or to fix everything, then our loved ones can experience the benefits of having faith tested and growing in perseverance. It is not easy, but compassion and love must rule how we guide others through hardships.
Sometimes we are asked to walk through times of trials and suffering out of circumstance. A parent of an autistic child never made a choice that caused the disease. In fact, ask any parent of a special needs child and they will tell you that they would give anything to take away the suffering their children experience everyday. The young woman who lost her husband as he was off to war defending his country, did not do anything to cause his passing; in fact, she would most likely do anything to have him back-if even for one more day.
We all are asked to walk through periods of trials and struggles. I have written often of the period in my life when I lost six people who were very close to me in a very short period. The loss was profound and definitely changed who I am at the core. I used to ask why, then I realized the change that resulted was why.
God wants us to have the best life possible, and he will sometimes allow us to struggle in order to give us the opportunity to make the changes needed to achieve our best life. James 1:2-3 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fact trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". It is through the perseverance that develops when our faith is tested that we grow the most. It is when we feel the most vulnerable and most likely to allow God to produce great change within us.
The fact that trials and struggles are both necessary and beneficial to us, does not make it easier to walk through these. Times of personal struggle can be very isolating and lonely, we can feel as if no one understands, and as if we cannot find our way out of the darkness. We all know what it is like to feel alone in times of struggle, and I believe this is part of the reason we all feel a deep desire to help others who are struggling.
When we "help" others who are struggling, there are some things not to do. The following list is compiled from experiences I have had, and from discussions with hundreds of families who have gone through suffering and trials (being a social worker has the benefit of gaining several perspectives of a topic).
Suggesting God is using the trial to punish someone:
I cannot believe I have to say this, but sadly I do. While God does discipline his people for their own good, He does not ever use hardship and trials to punish us for an action or lack of action! Jesus paid the price for our sins already, no punishment is ever needed or given. God will sometimes allow us to walk through a period of difficulty, not in reaction to something done or not done, but rather to give us the opportunity to reap a blessing.
I have had people who I valued in my life say to me during times of extreme hardship that "You must have done something that God is punishing you for, what do you think it is?" I know this person thought they were being helpful, but they were not. Hearing this could have the potential of making the person suffering to feel like God is vengeful and angry, not compassionate and full of love.
The truth of God is that he is a loving God, he does not "make us" walk through trials, rather he allows us (remember Job?) to go through trials for a reason. He sees the growth and blessings that can result from trials and hardship.
Suggesting the hardship is for the best:
This is different than reminding others that God uses hardship to bring blessings and that He knows more than we ever can. I am appalled by the number of times I have been told by parents who have lost children, that loved ones tried to comfort them with comments like "God must have known your son/daughter was going to wander away from his/her faith, so He took them home, what a blessing" What?!?! Are you kidding? Don't ever say this to a parent who has lost a child, it is mean, lacking in insight and thoughtless- and it causes much more pain than you can ever imagine.
Trials are for our benefit, and God always has a plan, but it is seldom helpful to hear that the deepest pain we are feeling is "for the best". When we experience a significant loss, or hardship, we need to be reminded that God loves us and will walk us through the challenge.
What is helpful?
I'm glad you asked! What is helpful, is to be there in love. Sometimes, you cannot fix a problem, all you can do is be there. When my mom passed away, I was out of the state and needed to fly back. One of my closest friends met me at the airport, meals in her car, and she just drove me to my moms home. She didn't make me talk, she allowed me to make that 45 min drive in silence and when I got our of her car, she just gave me a hug and said that she loved me.
That was more helpful and compassionate than the others who told me to be happy because my mother was not suffering anymore. While I knew that was true, I was suffering a lot! All I knew in that moment was that my heart was ripped open, raw with the recent loss and that I wanted my mom back. The act of my friend, to not only show up, but to be comfortable just being with me, with no expectation, allowed me a chance to feel the pain and not feel completely alone.
When you counsel someone who is hurting, suffering or walking through a trial- remind them of Gods love. Remind them that while we do not always have the answers, God does. We don't always need the answers, we need faith. We need to trust and hold on to Gods love. He has told us that he will not leave us or forsake us, that he will hold us in his hands, and that he catches all our tears. Remind them that they are precious in Gods eyes and he will bring them through this trial.
Help loved ones see that God has already prepared them. I have found that God always prepares us, and gives us what we need before we go through a trial. He puts people in our lives who can understand, who love us and who can provide support. He gives us insight, builds our strength and resolve prior to us going through hardship. I know two families who have autistic children, when I see them, I am amazed at the grace and strength which they use to parent. God gave them what they needed to survive.
The bottom line is, if we remember to be there in love and not feel like we have to find a reason or to fix everything, then our loved ones can experience the benefits of having faith tested and growing in perseverance. It is not easy, but compassion and love must rule how we guide others through hardships.
Monday, May 12, 2014
The Patience of God is Amazing
Sometimes, God gives us challenges that we simply cannot get through without him. It may be that he puts an especially challenging person, a health crisis, a financial hiccup, or even a personal struggle. When I was younger, the priests at my church would often say that God does not give us more than we can handle-I think this needs to be adjusted just a bit.
God does not give us more than we can handle with him. God is the reason we are able to handle anything. With him, anyone of us can get through absolutely anything. Without God, even daily struggles can overwhelm us.
I have been struggling with some very personal struggles. I have been feeling let down and disappointed by loved ones-as a result, I have started to feel that I maybe unlovable. Then I remembered that God never gives us what we cannot handle with him. I remembered how the Bible tells us to lay our burdens on him (Matt 11:28). It can be hard to do that.
We all have some need to feel control; some of us more than others. We want to feel like we are able to control our reactions, our outcomes, our future. I may be the worst person with this. I have such a tight grip on my worries, I guard my heart like a dog guards a bone, and I am slow to let go and hand it over to Christ. I don't easily trust others-a condition brought on by past hurts and my inability to let go.
We all have this need. I have seen those who must have their morning routines the exact same every single day, or the entire day they feel off. I have seen, even the most laid back person, insist on getting their way just because. Sometimes, we don't even realize it when we are holding on to control.
For me, my struggle came to a head this past weekend. As I was thinking of how things were not how I wanted, how I would structure them, I realized that things were not right, because I was trying to take control. Prayer was the answer. The truth is, the people, whom I felt were not "loving me as I need to be", they were doing the best they could. They are people with their own struggles and limitations, and needs.
The truth was, as I prayed for God to open their eyes and help them see how they hurt me (yep, I was that vain in my prayers), God opened my eyes. He softened my heart as he spoke to me. "Child", he said to me, "I have given you a wonderful life, and have blessed you richly. I have done this, not because you have earned it, but because I love you as you need to be loved. I know what you need, even before you do and I am here for you".
For most, that would have been enough, but not for me! I am stubborn, I still wanted others to see their faults. Patiently, God kept prodding me, gently convicting me and softening my heart. Even as I slept, I was convicted. Finally, I got it- my struggle is related to my own stubbornness to hold on, to try and control everything. When I let go, I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders.
We must remember that God loves us more than we can even love ourselves. He is in control and he sees the bigger picture, he always gives us what we need. If we let him, he gives us more than we could ever dream for. Deuteronomy 28:2 states "All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God". Truth rings from this statement.
When we are obedient to God, when we listen to his teachings, his prodding's, his guidance, we are richly blessed. When we do as God leads us, he takes us to great places and uses us to accomplish great things. We all have dreams, but Gods dreams are brighter, bigger and more than we can ever imagine!
The most amazing thing is his patience with us. I am not the only person who is stubborn and thick headed-all of us are. The man who completely trusts and follows Gods lead is a rare man indeed. Even David, a man after Gods own heart, struggled to hold on to control. He struggled to trust God completely and had to be convicted. God is patient with us, he continues to reach out to us and meet us where we are. I am amazed by this-often.
God does not give us more than we can handle with him. God is the reason we are able to handle anything. With him, anyone of us can get through absolutely anything. Without God, even daily struggles can overwhelm us.
I have been struggling with some very personal struggles. I have been feeling let down and disappointed by loved ones-as a result, I have started to feel that I maybe unlovable. Then I remembered that God never gives us what we cannot handle with him. I remembered how the Bible tells us to lay our burdens on him (Matt 11:28). It can be hard to do that.
We all have some need to feel control; some of us more than others. We want to feel like we are able to control our reactions, our outcomes, our future. I may be the worst person with this. I have such a tight grip on my worries, I guard my heart like a dog guards a bone, and I am slow to let go and hand it over to Christ. I don't easily trust others-a condition brought on by past hurts and my inability to let go.
We all have this need. I have seen those who must have their morning routines the exact same every single day, or the entire day they feel off. I have seen, even the most laid back person, insist on getting their way just because. Sometimes, we don't even realize it when we are holding on to control.
For me, my struggle came to a head this past weekend. As I was thinking of how things were not how I wanted, how I would structure them, I realized that things were not right, because I was trying to take control. Prayer was the answer. The truth is, the people, whom I felt were not "loving me as I need to be", they were doing the best they could. They are people with their own struggles and limitations, and needs.
The truth was, as I prayed for God to open their eyes and help them see how they hurt me (yep, I was that vain in my prayers), God opened my eyes. He softened my heart as he spoke to me. "Child", he said to me, "I have given you a wonderful life, and have blessed you richly. I have done this, not because you have earned it, but because I love you as you need to be loved. I know what you need, even before you do and I am here for you".
For most, that would have been enough, but not for me! I am stubborn, I still wanted others to see their faults. Patiently, God kept prodding me, gently convicting me and softening my heart. Even as I slept, I was convicted. Finally, I got it- my struggle is related to my own stubbornness to hold on, to try and control everything. When I let go, I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders.
We must remember that God loves us more than we can even love ourselves. He is in control and he sees the bigger picture, he always gives us what we need. If we let him, he gives us more than we could ever dream for. Deuteronomy 28:2 states "All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God". Truth rings from this statement.
When we are obedient to God, when we listen to his teachings, his prodding's, his guidance, we are richly blessed. When we do as God leads us, he takes us to great places and uses us to accomplish great things. We all have dreams, but Gods dreams are brighter, bigger and more than we can ever imagine!
The most amazing thing is his patience with us. I am not the only person who is stubborn and thick headed-all of us are. The man who completely trusts and follows Gods lead is a rare man indeed. Even David, a man after Gods own heart, struggled to hold on to control. He struggled to trust God completely and had to be convicted. God is patient with us, he continues to reach out to us and meet us where we are. I am amazed by this-often.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
The Bigger Picture
I often find that when I pray I pray for myself. I pray that I will be a better wife, mother, friend, employee. I pray that I will find joy and happiness. I pray that I will find success and defeat the fear that holds me back in life. I pray that I will be adventurous, disciplined and focused. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray that I will be a beacon for others, that they will see God in me. I pray that words I speak will reflect His love (often falling short), and that I will have compassion for others. I pray that I will see others as God sees them, and I will love them as He does. I pray that my study and understanding of Gods word will grow deeper and deeper. I pray that I will understand what few others do; that others will see me as wise. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray for my family. That my husband will find peace of mind, security and success. I pray that he will defeat the demons that seem to plague him day after day. I pray that he will draw closer to God and come to know that peace that comes from a close relationship with Him. I pray that he will find happiness and joy in his life. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray that my son will come to know peace and joy. I pray that he will have continued success. I pray that he find his way back to Christ. That he will one day, recall the peace and blessings bestowed upon those who follow Christ. I pray that he will learn to love with all his heart, and that he will not be afraid of being hurt so deeply that he actually thinks his heart is breaking; for this is where true love and happiness are to be found. I pray that he will remember the importance of family and treasure the gift. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray for other family members. For dreams to be realized, challenges to be overcome and goals reached. I pray for those who need comfort, to have it. I pray that they all have love and peace, success and happiness. I pray that they will be drawn into Gods family, especially those who have been away for so long that they have forgotten what it feels like to know God loves them. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
Every once in a while, I pray for others-for those I don't know. I pray that the world will come to see how far we have strayed from Gods will. I pray that the world will see how cruel we, as humans, can be to each other. I pray that those who are starving in the world, find food and know the comfort of a full belly. I pray that those who live with disease and death daily, will have the peace of knowing their children are safe, if even for a night. I pray that the lonely will find companionship, that those who feel hopeless will know true hope and happiness. I pray that those who are ill, will find health. This is part of the bigger picture.
I pray that those who know hate, will find their hearts overwhelmed with love. I pray that those who lead wars, will see the devastation they are creating, and choose to create something better. I pray that those who are victims of war, hate and violence, will not hold on to fear, anger or hatred, but will be courageous enough to love their aggressors and find forgiveness. I pray that we will come together to overcome evil, to do good and to bring Gods will to all the world. That is the bigger picture.
God calls us to love others, to do his will and to preach his word to the world. I am guilty of becoming selfish and losing focus on the bigger picture. I am just one person, but in Gods eyes, I am one very important person who can make a difference. We all are. Each of us is a part of Gods greater plan, we just need to quiet our hearts and listen. We need to get our focus off of ourselves and onto God.
When we are on our knees, looking heavenward-that is when we see the bigger picture.
I pray that I will be a beacon for others, that they will see God in me. I pray that words I speak will reflect His love (often falling short), and that I will have compassion for others. I pray that I will see others as God sees them, and I will love them as He does. I pray that my study and understanding of Gods word will grow deeper and deeper. I pray that I will understand what few others do; that others will see me as wise. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray for my family. That my husband will find peace of mind, security and success. I pray that he will defeat the demons that seem to plague him day after day. I pray that he will draw closer to God and come to know that peace that comes from a close relationship with Him. I pray that he will find happiness and joy in his life. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray that my son will come to know peace and joy. I pray that he will have continued success. I pray that he find his way back to Christ. That he will one day, recall the peace and blessings bestowed upon those who follow Christ. I pray that he will learn to love with all his heart, and that he will not be afraid of being hurt so deeply that he actually thinks his heart is breaking; for this is where true love and happiness are to be found. I pray that he will remember the importance of family and treasure the gift. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
I pray for other family members. For dreams to be realized, challenges to be overcome and goals reached. I pray for those who need comfort, to have it. I pray that they all have love and peace, success and happiness. I pray that they will be drawn into Gods family, especially those who have been away for so long that they have forgotten what it feels like to know God loves them. That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.
Every once in a while, I pray for others-for those I don't know. I pray that the world will come to see how far we have strayed from Gods will. I pray that the world will see how cruel we, as humans, can be to each other. I pray that those who are starving in the world, find food and know the comfort of a full belly. I pray that those who live with disease and death daily, will have the peace of knowing their children are safe, if even for a night. I pray that the lonely will find companionship, that those who feel hopeless will know true hope and happiness. I pray that those who are ill, will find health. This is part of the bigger picture.
I pray that those who know hate, will find their hearts overwhelmed with love. I pray that those who lead wars, will see the devastation they are creating, and choose to create something better. I pray that those who are victims of war, hate and violence, will not hold on to fear, anger or hatred, but will be courageous enough to love their aggressors and find forgiveness. I pray that we will come together to overcome evil, to do good and to bring Gods will to all the world. That is the bigger picture.
God calls us to love others, to do his will and to preach his word to the world. I am guilty of becoming selfish and losing focus on the bigger picture. I am just one person, but in Gods eyes, I am one very important person who can make a difference. We all are. Each of us is a part of Gods greater plan, we just need to quiet our hearts and listen. We need to get our focus off of ourselves and onto God.
When we are on our knees, looking heavenward-that is when we see the bigger picture.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Where has the Love Gone?
I have been watching the news lately and have had this recurrent thought that God must be truly disappointed in his children. We have become so mean and hateful towards one another, that it is hard to listen to the evening news or read a newspaper.
I'm not sure why "news" has to be mostly bad news, terrifying items or sad information-I thought the purpose of the news was to update us on the world around us. It was to provide us with information we would not otherwise have access to. In my opinion, that should be both good and bad information-without a slant by the media.
Why is the bombing of the Boston marathon more newsworthy than the stories of people who have overcome personal tragedy, and raised thousands of dollars for a cause. Why does the news focus on the rancher in Utah who is defying the government, but it refuses to mention how we should honor the tens of thousands of soldiers who selflessly lay their lives on the line protecting that ranchers right to oppose his government.
The media discusses natural disasters, the missing flight of ML370, mass murders, human brutality beyond belief, civil wars, and so on. Yet they are slow to cover the people who choose on a daily basis to make a difference. The unsung heroes of our world who choose to help others, fight for peace, and make a difference. Why don't we hear stories of Katie Davis, an incredibly inspiring 22 year old who has taken the message of the Gospel to heart. She went out on a limb, moved to Uganda and everyday makes a difference in others lives (for more of Katies story, click here ).
I find that at night, I often pray for all of mankind. I have been troubled by the lack of compassion and love that we show one another. I cannot believe how cruel humans can be, how intolerant and how selfish we have become. It is becoming more rare to look out for others, instead, most of us have the attitude that if we don't lookout for ourselves, no one will. I admit, that I fall prey to this line of thinking too. The truth is, it is hard to put others before ourselves, but that is exactly what Christ calls us to do.
If Jesus, who was perfect in every way, could place each one of us before himself, and take the punishment meant for us even while knowing that most of us would not fully understand or appreciate the gift, then certainly we can place others first in our lives. To feed a stranger, to look at someone with compassion and not judge them for their mistakes, but love them for who they are, is difficult, but so worth it. In winter, I buy extra gloves, hats and scarves and keep them in my car. If I see someone who is in need, I offer what I can. Many times, I am politely turned down, and we all go about our lives. Two times, my life was altered by this simple act.
The first time was when I was in Madison for a swim meet with my son. It was a cold winter, the temperatures were well below zero that day. On my way home, I noticed a homeless man huddling near a McDonalds building. I went through the drive through, ordered a coffee for myself and an extra coffee for him. When I pulled up to offer it to him, I noticed he had no gloves on. He was grateful for the cup of coffee, and wrapped his hands around it tightly. I noticed how cold he looked and how sad his eyes were. I wanted to offer him a pair of the knit gloves in the back of my car, but God pulled at my heart. Instead, I handed over my husbands warm ski gloves (knowing that I had a warm car, a home and the means to get another pair of gloves). That kind gentleman took them, and with a tear rolling down his cheek thanked me in a quiet voice. I drove home- changed forever by that moment.
The other moment was while working about 5 years ago. I was driving to lunch with a friend, when we both saw a man with a cardboard sign that read "Homeless and Hungry". We went to lunch and talked about our days, our families and so on, but I could not get him out of my mind. Before we left, I ordered a meal for that gentleman, praying that he would still be there on my way back. He was, I pulled over and offered him the meal. That gentleman was so grateful, he tanked me and my friend profusely and sat down right there on the corner to eat! My heart changed again, this time more deeply.
I am like so many others, i have learned to look past the needy, but not anymore. I do what I can do to help. I am no Katie Davis, but I hope that I make a difference in some lives everyday. We need to be more focused on doing good and reaching out. We must treat each other with love and compassion. We must remember that when we are blessed, it is not as a reward for doing well, but rather a responsibility to continue doing well. God gives us much so that we may share and give to others.
I believe that every person has a calling in their heart. My brother in law and his family, have missionary hearts. They travel the world doing short term mission trips, and that is wonderful. It is a blessing to many that they are able to come and share their many talents and open hearts. I am called to help out those closer to home. My mission work is subtle, but no less important. I am called to reach out for a moment to those who are in need. Both callings are equally important and needed if we are to bring the Gospel to the masses. We must reach out in love in all areas of our lives.
I'm not sure why "news" has to be mostly bad news, terrifying items or sad information-I thought the purpose of the news was to update us on the world around us. It was to provide us with information we would not otherwise have access to. In my opinion, that should be both good and bad information-without a slant by the media.
Why is the bombing of the Boston marathon more newsworthy than the stories of people who have overcome personal tragedy, and raised thousands of dollars for a cause. Why does the news focus on the rancher in Utah who is defying the government, but it refuses to mention how we should honor the tens of thousands of soldiers who selflessly lay their lives on the line protecting that ranchers right to oppose his government.
The media discusses natural disasters, the missing flight of ML370, mass murders, human brutality beyond belief, civil wars, and so on. Yet they are slow to cover the people who choose on a daily basis to make a difference. The unsung heroes of our world who choose to help others, fight for peace, and make a difference. Why don't we hear stories of Katie Davis, an incredibly inspiring 22 year old who has taken the message of the Gospel to heart. She went out on a limb, moved to Uganda and everyday makes a difference in others lives (for more of Katies story, click here ).
I find that at night, I often pray for all of mankind. I have been troubled by the lack of compassion and love that we show one another. I cannot believe how cruel humans can be, how intolerant and how selfish we have become. It is becoming more rare to look out for others, instead, most of us have the attitude that if we don't lookout for ourselves, no one will. I admit, that I fall prey to this line of thinking too. The truth is, it is hard to put others before ourselves, but that is exactly what Christ calls us to do.
If Jesus, who was perfect in every way, could place each one of us before himself, and take the punishment meant for us even while knowing that most of us would not fully understand or appreciate the gift, then certainly we can place others first in our lives. To feed a stranger, to look at someone with compassion and not judge them for their mistakes, but love them for who they are, is difficult, but so worth it. In winter, I buy extra gloves, hats and scarves and keep them in my car. If I see someone who is in need, I offer what I can. Many times, I am politely turned down, and we all go about our lives. Two times, my life was altered by this simple act.
The first time was when I was in Madison for a swim meet with my son. It was a cold winter, the temperatures were well below zero that day. On my way home, I noticed a homeless man huddling near a McDonalds building. I went through the drive through, ordered a coffee for myself and an extra coffee for him. When I pulled up to offer it to him, I noticed he had no gloves on. He was grateful for the cup of coffee, and wrapped his hands around it tightly. I noticed how cold he looked and how sad his eyes were. I wanted to offer him a pair of the knit gloves in the back of my car, but God pulled at my heart. Instead, I handed over my husbands warm ski gloves (knowing that I had a warm car, a home and the means to get another pair of gloves). That kind gentleman took them, and with a tear rolling down his cheek thanked me in a quiet voice. I drove home- changed forever by that moment.
The other moment was while working about 5 years ago. I was driving to lunch with a friend, when we both saw a man with a cardboard sign that read "Homeless and Hungry". We went to lunch and talked about our days, our families and so on, but I could not get him out of my mind. Before we left, I ordered a meal for that gentleman, praying that he would still be there on my way back. He was, I pulled over and offered him the meal. That gentleman was so grateful, he tanked me and my friend profusely and sat down right there on the corner to eat! My heart changed again, this time more deeply.
I am like so many others, i have learned to look past the needy, but not anymore. I do what I can do to help. I am no Katie Davis, but I hope that I make a difference in some lives everyday. We need to be more focused on doing good and reaching out. We must treat each other with love and compassion. We must remember that when we are blessed, it is not as a reward for doing well, but rather a responsibility to continue doing well. God gives us much so that we may share and give to others.
I believe that every person has a calling in their heart. My brother in law and his family, have missionary hearts. They travel the world doing short term mission trips, and that is wonderful. It is a blessing to many that they are able to come and share their many talents and open hearts. I am called to help out those closer to home. My mission work is subtle, but no less important. I am called to reach out for a moment to those who are in need. Both callings are equally important and needed if we are to bring the Gospel to the masses. We must reach out in love in all areas of our lives.
Monday, April 21, 2014
How Honest is too Honest?
We are told as children the old adage "Honesty is the best policy", but is it? I think back over some very hurtful words, comments and talks all done in the name of "just being honest". I have come to develop a very strong opinion in this area.
Yes, it is essential that we are honest with one another. Colossians 3:9 states " Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices". See? Being honest is important and commanded by God. We, as Christians, must speak in a honest manner with each other and with others. Truth lives in honesty, when you speak dishonestly, there is no truth. That being said, the topic of honesty has a multitude of sub topics, and we must address them all, if we are to speak in true Christian honesty.
I will do my best to cover some of the more basic areas in which we use honesty to justify our behavior:
Discussing Feelings with others:
One area most of us struggle to use complete honesty is when we are discussing our feelings with others. We are creatures who demand acceptance by others to feel validated and loved. When we reveal vulnerable areas in our lives, whether that being fears of failing, or not feeling loved, we expose ourselves to the possibility that others will reject us. Not only that, but we give them the reason they could potentially use to mock or reject us.
In an effort to protect ourselves from the pain of rejection, we often share with others only what we perceive will be accepted as positive and in our favor. We only need to look at our Facebook, Twitter or other social media accounts to see this. Most people on social network sites, publish good things in their lives, and suffer quietly with those things they believe to be less desirable to others.
If we are to experience true acceptance and love from others, we must be honest and reveal all of ourselves to those we seek to bond with. When we are the most vulnerable, we are the most open and ready to accept the love and acceptance of those whom God placed in our lives. Ephesians 4:25 states, "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another."
If we are truly members of one another, then it is essential that we share our inner most secrets and vulnerabilities with each other. It is also essential that we respect and protect those that are shared with us. In every circumstance, when someone shares their inner most being with us, we must remember what a gift that is-no mocking, no gossiping and no harsh judgments. I admit, that I am good about not mocking, judging or gossiping, but I struggle to be honest with others. I want to be accepted and loved, and often worry that if others knew the real me, they wouldn't accept me. I want them to share with me, but I am slow to trust others enough to share myself with them. Luke addresses this, when he writes, "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them."
That is something for me to remember. If I find it a gift when others share with me, they may find it a gift if I do the same. God created us to be relational beings, and that means being in relationship with one another- we cannot have true relationships if we are not honest about who we are and why we feel the way we do.
Giving our Opinion-asked or not:
Far too often in my life, I have either been on the receiving end, or have heard others give harsh criticism to others in the name of "just being honest". For example, if someone asks if their new haircut looks nice-it is not Chrisitan to state that it is, in fact, a terrible haircut for them. To be honest and Christian we must remember to think if we what we are saying is helpful, kind, true and if there is anything the other person can do about it.
Here comes an example of my opening up and being truthful-get ready and brace yourselves! When I was a child, I grew up in a home that did not have a lot of money. We were very poor, and could not afford much. When I started dating my husband, my in-laws made comments about how I was only dating my husband for his money. In their mind, they were just being honest-to me, it was mean and hurtful. I felt judged and as if they could not be bothered to get to know the real me. they saw my circumstance, judged me and used "honesty" to make me feel terrible.
God doesn't want anyone to feel badly about the situation they are in. If we are making a decision that is not Chrisitian, our loved ones should talk to us honestly. My dearest friend in the whole world, is very open with me when I am out of line or living in a manner not in line with my beliefs. the difference between her and the in-laws? She approaches me from a place of love, talks about facts, and only about things I have some control over. Because of her ability and courage to do this, we are extremely close, and always will be. I respect her more than I can ever tell her.
Bearing Witness of our Neighbors:
When we speak of others, it is important to remember that we must be totally truthful in what we say. Positive or negative, we must not exaggerate, stretch the truth or fabricate facts. Sounds easy enough right? But how many of us, have filled in minor details to get the larger point across?
this is not kind, or truthful.
In all things we must be honest, but being honest requires us to be kind and loving as well. God calls us to love one another. We cannot work together to fix problems, come up with solutions and raise each other up without complete honesty and love.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Ash Wednesday
Today is the start of the Lenten season. I am not sure why, but this year I am finding myself filled with trepidation as I make a commitment to sacrifice in my life for the next 40 days. Maybe because in the past, I didn't take this seriously, maybe I never really understood the reason for the sacrifice, or maybe I have been selfish and immature. Whatever the reason, this year I wanted to be sure that whatever changes I committed to were meaningful and difficult.
I thought for days about it. I prayed about it, I even asked friends for ideas (nothing really original was offered), I went to websites, and I fretted. Finally, I went to bed last night, and asked God to guide me. This morning, I decided to ADD regular working out and GIVE UP processed foods-and here's why.
Regular Workouts- a discipline I have lost:
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I have stopped working out. I used to hit the gym regularly, I worked with a trainer and I pushed myself hard. I took pride in the changes my body experienced. I loved watching muscles replace fat.
Then life got in the way. Health problems, marriage, work all took precedent. I stopped going to the gym, saying that I could work out at home. It was not long before that went away as well. Now, I don't work out at all. I wake up, go through my day, then sit on my ever expanding rump and complain about how tired and worn out I am.
Working out regularly requires discipline. To go to the gym a prescribed number of days each week is hard, it takes commitment and effort that is intentional. Discipline is something that many in our society are lacking-in many areas of life (financial, personal responsibility, diet, health, taking care of others, etc).
My goal is to work out 5 days a week. My husband says to start small, maybe two days a week. I thought about it, and decided that if it was easy, then it required no sacrifice on my part. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, so I am all in and doing at least 5 days a week. When I go to the gym, I will work out hard, pushing myself to new limits and learning to trust God to take me to higher heights! i will break a sweat, be sore the next day and find out just how far my body can go.
No more processed foods:
When I stopped working out, I also let my diet slide. I thoroughly enjoy junk food of all sorts! Chips, ice cream, pizza, anything fried-all these things make me happy. I know that I do not have a healthy relationship with food.
The truth is, God gave us food to nourish our bodies; to provide the necessary energy for us to do what we are required to do daily. He never intended for food to be used to manage our emotions. God created potatoes, not potato chips for a reason. When we eat natural foods, we nourish our bodies, when we eat human created "Frankenfoods", we nourish our emotional moments.
Think about this, when you are heartbroken and feeling down, does an apple really provide the same comfort as a big bowl of ice cream? Of course not, but the apple gives us the energy and stamina we need to get through every day.
I have been lazy. Instead of dealing with the emotions of stress, worry, fear, joy, pride, etc, I have allowed frankenfoods to deal with them. It's hard for me to feel emotions, I'm not sure why. I prefer to have the numbness that emotional eating brings, but this is not how God created us.
God gave us emotions to help guide us. When we do well, work hard, and stay focused, we feel joy, contentment, peace and pride. When we are off track, lazy, selfish etc, we tend to feel depressed, worried, stressed and lethargic. If we feel our emotions, and let them guide us, we can and will grow closer to God.
The plan:
So here it is- the moment of truth. Today, I make a commitment to God and to myself to eat natural, unprocessed foods for the next 40 days. I will not allow my emotions to dictate what I put into my body. I will allow Gods created foods to nourish my body as it was meant to.
I will also hit the gym 5 days a week-no matter what! When I am tired, worn out or stressed, I will remind myself of the gift God has given me in a body that can work out. I will remember that being lazy is not part of Gods plan in our lives- He asks us to work hard, to sacrifice and to put forth an effort every day.
These two things are going to be extremely challenging for me. I am not a strong person by nature, I am lazy by nature. To find success, I will pray, but I will also utilize the support system God has placed in my life. I have posted my intentions on social media and have asked my loved ones for support. I will also chronicle my journey here. I know I may be the only one who reads this, but maybe someone will read it and will offer support. Maybe someone will read it and find strength or support from my journey. I trust that God will bring to this blog, those who need to be here.
That's my plan-pray for me, I know I will need it!
I thought for days about it. I prayed about it, I even asked friends for ideas (nothing really original was offered), I went to websites, and I fretted. Finally, I went to bed last night, and asked God to guide me. This morning, I decided to ADD regular working out and GIVE UP processed foods-and here's why.
Regular Workouts- a discipline I have lost:
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I have stopped working out. I used to hit the gym regularly, I worked with a trainer and I pushed myself hard. I took pride in the changes my body experienced. I loved watching muscles replace fat.
Then life got in the way. Health problems, marriage, work all took precedent. I stopped going to the gym, saying that I could work out at home. It was not long before that went away as well. Now, I don't work out at all. I wake up, go through my day, then sit on my ever expanding rump and complain about how tired and worn out I am.
Working out regularly requires discipline. To go to the gym a prescribed number of days each week is hard, it takes commitment and effort that is intentional. Discipline is something that many in our society are lacking-in many areas of life (financial, personal responsibility, diet, health, taking care of others, etc).
My goal is to work out 5 days a week. My husband says to start small, maybe two days a week. I thought about it, and decided that if it was easy, then it required no sacrifice on my part. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, so I am all in and doing at least 5 days a week. When I go to the gym, I will work out hard, pushing myself to new limits and learning to trust God to take me to higher heights! i will break a sweat, be sore the next day and find out just how far my body can go.
No more processed foods:
When I stopped working out, I also let my diet slide. I thoroughly enjoy junk food of all sorts! Chips, ice cream, pizza, anything fried-all these things make me happy. I know that I do not have a healthy relationship with food.
The truth is, God gave us food to nourish our bodies; to provide the necessary energy for us to do what we are required to do daily. He never intended for food to be used to manage our emotions. God created potatoes, not potato chips for a reason. When we eat natural foods, we nourish our bodies, when we eat human created "Frankenfoods", we nourish our emotional moments.
Think about this, when you are heartbroken and feeling down, does an apple really provide the same comfort as a big bowl of ice cream? Of course not, but the apple gives us the energy and stamina we need to get through every day.
I have been lazy. Instead of dealing with the emotions of stress, worry, fear, joy, pride, etc, I have allowed frankenfoods to deal with them. It's hard for me to feel emotions, I'm not sure why. I prefer to have the numbness that emotional eating brings, but this is not how God created us.
God gave us emotions to help guide us. When we do well, work hard, and stay focused, we feel joy, contentment, peace and pride. When we are off track, lazy, selfish etc, we tend to feel depressed, worried, stressed and lethargic. If we feel our emotions, and let them guide us, we can and will grow closer to God.
The plan:
So here it is- the moment of truth. Today, I make a commitment to God and to myself to eat natural, unprocessed foods for the next 40 days. I will not allow my emotions to dictate what I put into my body. I will allow Gods created foods to nourish my body as it was meant to.
I will also hit the gym 5 days a week-no matter what! When I am tired, worn out or stressed, I will remind myself of the gift God has given me in a body that can work out. I will remember that being lazy is not part of Gods plan in our lives- He asks us to work hard, to sacrifice and to put forth an effort every day.
These two things are going to be extremely challenging for me. I am not a strong person by nature, I am lazy by nature. To find success, I will pray, but I will also utilize the support system God has placed in my life. I have posted my intentions on social media and have asked my loved ones for support. I will also chronicle my journey here. I know I may be the only one who reads this, but maybe someone will read it and will offer support. Maybe someone will read it and find strength or support from my journey. I trust that God will bring to this blog, those who need to be here.
That's my plan-pray for me, I know I will need it!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
When What was Acceptable is No Longer OK
For years, I have had very low self esteem. I'm not sure why. Sure, I could blame it on my childhood, or some traumatic event, but let's be honest here-every day we get up and make decisions about how we will think, feel and act. We get to choose every single day who we are and who we want to be-this is shown by the millions of people who have that proverbial "ah-ha moment" and instantly change their lives.
So, no excuses about my low self esteem. The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice. I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.
A perfect example of this, is in my marriage. Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me. If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist. I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.
So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily. I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short. I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing. Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first. I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.
For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage. The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself. I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me. This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it. I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).
Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever. He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry). We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.
When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles. I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching. I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone. I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see. I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that. I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.
See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him. I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad. I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better. That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage. I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.
I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend. I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt. He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay. He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings. He said something to me that changed my life forever. We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate. If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it. Until then, you can't really be mad".
I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks. In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me. I began to focus on what i did right in my life. I was, and am, a good mother. I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart. I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.
Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need. We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of. Today, we are still a work in progress. I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more. This drives me crazy.
If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things. That is the effort he makes. What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.
He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate. However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness. I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.
I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage. I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too. I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker. He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.
My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all. I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all. I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be. He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant. I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will find peace on this issue.
In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.
So, no excuses about my low self esteem. The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice. I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.
A perfect example of this, is in my marriage. Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me. If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist. I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.
So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily. I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short. I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing. Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first. I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.
For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage. The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself. I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me. This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it. I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).
Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever. He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry). We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.
When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles. I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching. I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone. I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see. I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that. I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.
See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him. I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad. I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better. That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage. I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.
I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend. I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt. He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay. He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings. He said something to me that changed my life forever. We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate. If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it. Until then, you can't really be mad".
I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks. In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me. I began to focus on what i did right in my life. I was, and am, a good mother. I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart. I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.
Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need. We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of. Today, we are still a work in progress. I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more. This drives me crazy.
If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things. That is the effort he makes. What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.
He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate. However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness. I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.
I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage. I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too. I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker. He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.
My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all. I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all. I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be. He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant. I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will find peace on this issue.
In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
True Love-What are Realistic Expectation?
When I was first married, I had these grand ideas of what marriage would be like. I had visions of romance filled nights, quiet mornings with coffee and breakfast in bed, and a life of passion. It did not take long for the truth to set in.
Busy work life, a child and finance problems coupled with differences in how each of us saw the world, and dealt with problems, quickly led to more fights than romance. The tension was not what I had dreamed of, and to be honest, I often wondered if we made the right decision. I mean, how in love could we be if we are always angry with one another?
I have spent the past twenty years looking for romance and love. I have tried to change how I look, how I react, and how I think to be the "perfect wife" so that my husband would love me as I wanted and needed to be loved. I held on to my old dreams of what love was, but was it realistic?
Through the years, I have told my husband over and over that I did not feel loved, and he has told me over and over that he loves me very much. This disconnect, left me feeling like maybe we never really knew each other. Still, our life together was great.
True, we did not have great passion, or the romance of dreams; but we did have a beautiful home, a wonderful son and we did enjoy spending time together. We had a content family life, and eventually I learned to live with it, all the while holding on to past visions of what "true marriage" was.
Recently, I began to think about this. I wondered what true love looked like and whether my expectations were realistic. I took an honest look at what I wanted and why, and what was reasonable to expect from my beloved husband. What I learned was a shock to me.
I learned that the old adage "love is a verb" is very true. Romans 12:9-12 states "Love must be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Show family affection to one another with brotherly love. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer." That is the definition of love to me.
Two people being honorable, trying to do better for each other, feeling affectionate towards one another-that is the perfect image of marriage for me. Two people who have decided to spend their lives together, becoming one, and merging their beings together. I soon realized that I was unrealistic. Passionate romance that we see in movies and on TV, is not real life.
Real life if full of busy weeknights, messy homes, crazy busy schedules, work stress, health problems, emotional breakdowns, heartbreak, and laughter. To have someone who is there for me when I fall, who thinks I am amazing, especially when I can't see it, and who will lift me up when I need it, is an amazing feeling. When I had visions of romance, it was because I wanted to be the center of someones world, and that is what the media shows us about this. But thats the media, they sell dreams and ask us to believe the unbelievable.
My husband prays for my well being, and that of our son. He is concerned when I am not feeling well, and can tell when I feel insecure (even when no one else can). He knows what makes me feel beautiful and what hurts me the most. He knows my heart, and he tries his best to care for it. When I am successful, he is not jealous, he is truly happy for me. He celebrates my successes.
This was made evident to me recently, when I was completely stressed about taking care of the house, and dogs while returning to a stressful job. I am almost obsessive about having my house clean to my standards, which others tell me is unrealistic (I'm seeing a trend with my expectations here). A while back, we even had a professional housekeeper come in weekly, and I was not pleased with the teams work. I found little things that they missed and it drove me crazy.
Anyway, my husband was aware of this. Of course, it wasn't too hard to figure out since I developed a chores list and schedule for each of us to keep the house up. On our first Saturday home, he jumped right in! He hates cleaning, and truthfully, he doesn't understand why it's so important to me, but it did not matter that morning. He swept, he tidied up, he even mopped. It lessened my stress level and made me think that everything will be ok.
Then it hit me- maybe this was love. To be willing to do what you don't want, simply to make the other person feel better, to put them at ease and let them know you understand. I still want romance, but I think I have come to the realization that sometimes it is enough to have someone who looks out for me, who will sweep and mop to put my soul at rest and who will do dishes when I simply cannot look at another sink full of water, but need to get the dishes done.
It feels good to be revamping my expectations. I still struggle; primarily because I want the best of everything, but that is my struggle. I still get hurt feelings, when my husband doesn't say what I want to hear, but it's ok. He loves me in his way, by doing.
Busy work life, a child and finance problems coupled with differences in how each of us saw the world, and dealt with problems, quickly led to more fights than romance. The tension was not what I had dreamed of, and to be honest, I often wondered if we made the right decision. I mean, how in love could we be if we are always angry with one another?
I have spent the past twenty years looking for romance and love. I have tried to change how I look, how I react, and how I think to be the "perfect wife" so that my husband would love me as I wanted and needed to be loved. I held on to my old dreams of what love was, but was it realistic?
Through the years, I have told my husband over and over that I did not feel loved, and he has told me over and over that he loves me very much. This disconnect, left me feeling like maybe we never really knew each other. Still, our life together was great.
True, we did not have great passion, or the romance of dreams; but we did have a beautiful home, a wonderful son and we did enjoy spending time together. We had a content family life, and eventually I learned to live with it, all the while holding on to past visions of what "true marriage" was.
Recently, I began to think about this. I wondered what true love looked like and whether my expectations were realistic. I took an honest look at what I wanted and why, and what was reasonable to expect from my beloved husband. What I learned was a shock to me.
I learned that the old adage "love is a verb" is very true. Romans 12:9-12 states "Love must be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Show family affection to one another with brotherly love. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer." That is the definition of love to me.
Two people being honorable, trying to do better for each other, feeling affectionate towards one another-that is the perfect image of marriage for me. Two people who have decided to spend their lives together, becoming one, and merging their beings together. I soon realized that I was unrealistic. Passionate romance that we see in movies and on TV, is not real life.
Real life if full of busy weeknights, messy homes, crazy busy schedules, work stress, health problems, emotional breakdowns, heartbreak, and laughter. To have someone who is there for me when I fall, who thinks I am amazing, especially when I can't see it, and who will lift me up when I need it, is an amazing feeling. When I had visions of romance, it was because I wanted to be the center of someones world, and that is what the media shows us about this. But thats the media, they sell dreams and ask us to believe the unbelievable.
My husband prays for my well being, and that of our son. He is concerned when I am not feeling well, and can tell when I feel insecure (even when no one else can). He knows what makes me feel beautiful and what hurts me the most. He knows my heart, and he tries his best to care for it. When I am successful, he is not jealous, he is truly happy for me. He celebrates my successes.
This was made evident to me recently, when I was completely stressed about taking care of the house, and dogs while returning to a stressful job. I am almost obsessive about having my house clean to my standards, which others tell me is unrealistic (I'm seeing a trend with my expectations here). A while back, we even had a professional housekeeper come in weekly, and I was not pleased with the teams work. I found little things that they missed and it drove me crazy.
Anyway, my husband was aware of this. Of course, it wasn't too hard to figure out since I developed a chores list and schedule for each of us to keep the house up. On our first Saturday home, he jumped right in! He hates cleaning, and truthfully, he doesn't understand why it's so important to me, but it did not matter that morning. He swept, he tidied up, he even mopped. It lessened my stress level and made me think that everything will be ok.
Then it hit me- maybe this was love. To be willing to do what you don't want, simply to make the other person feel better, to put them at ease and let them know you understand. I still want romance, but I think I have come to the realization that sometimes it is enough to have someone who looks out for me, who will sweep and mop to put my soul at rest and who will do dishes when I simply cannot look at another sink full of water, but need to get the dishes done.
It feels good to be revamping my expectations. I still struggle; primarily because I want the best of everything, but that is my struggle. I still get hurt feelings, when my husband doesn't say what I want to hear, but it's ok. He loves me in his way, by doing.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
What is Faith and How Can We Achieve it?
What is faith? This is a question that many new believers or non believers ask, and it is one that many life long Christians struggle with. Entire books have been written on this subject alone, enough to fill whole libraries, but in the end they all boil it down to one simple thought. Spiritual faith is the complete trust and confidence we hold that allows us to believe in God. That is a loaded statement, I know, but allow me to expand a bit.
When I was a child, I asked a lot of provocative questions of the priests and nuns at my Catholic grade school (much to the dismay of my parents). I once had a conversation with a priest, whom I very much admired, about faith. He told me that you just have to believe, without proof, or you do not have faith. When I questioned how one could believe without proof or explanation, he stated that some struggle with this and that we call those people "doubting Thomas' after the disciple who needed to see Christ before believing he had risen from the dead.
Well, as much as I loved and adored Father Murphy, I think he was wrong on this point and missed a great opportunity. I spent most of my childhood and adult life feeling like I didn't measure up as a Christian, because I sought Christ in everyday life, I didn't have a blind faith. Now, after much prayer, research and thought, I have decided that we all seek Christ for evidence that he is here and hears us. We see the sun rise, and think of him. We call out to him when we are in distress, and seek to feel comforted. We look in our children's eyes and see him in all their hopes and dreams.
The reality is that God aces himself present to us every single day, so that if we seek him, we will find him (Matthew 7:7 states; "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened"). Every Christian has a season where they struggle to see Christ, to feel him, and they often go in search of him. It is not enough to say to these people, "Just believe, if you are a true Christian", this is both hurtful and not very helpful. It is akin to telling a blind person "just see, if you truly have eyes" it's silly and does nothing to help the situation. What we need to do is show each other how to have faith.
When I look at my life, I am often taken aback by how blessed I am. The truth is, that after years of hardships and struggles, I have learned that even the trials and tests in my life are blessings. This is not because I read a Bible verse that taught me that (James 1:1-13), but rather because I have read that Bible verse and have seen it played out in my life and the lives of my loved ones. As an example, I had my son as a teenager. I was not a strong Christian and struggled greatly with my faith as a teenager, therefore I made poor choices that made me a mother at 17.
Being pregnant as a teenager, 25 years ago, was not easy. People called me names, family was embarrassed and society as a whole assumed that I would amount to nothing more than a typical welfare mother. However, once I became pregnant, I also became focused on my future and that of my sons. My now husband (his daddy), also became very focused on his future. We worked together to go to college, graduate and make something of ourselves. It was in the consequences of our choice, and the trials of being teen parents that we learned what it meant to look to the future.
When my son was born, I knew that nothing would ever prevent me from succeeding simply because he deserved the best. Suddenly, I was transformed from a wild teenage girl, who partied and started fights, hung out with the wrong crowd and skipped school, to an A student, whose primary focus was the new family taking shape and protecting the innocent child she gave birth to. It became clear that my choices needed to be better to give my son the best possible life. It became clear to me that God used my choices and the consequences of that choice, and used it for good. He changed the course of my life and I knew it.
It's not just big events either-when I am really upset and feel alone, I go to my favorite spot and pray. My favorite spot is a park along Lake Michigan in Milwaukee. I used to go there with my parents all the time, and looking at the lake, reminds me of the greatness of God. See? We seek him and can find him in everyday details. Who among us has not had their breath stolen by the perfect sunset? Who has not seen the hand of God in a severe storm? Who has not felt his comfort when they were at their lowest and their soul cried out to loud to God, it was unbelievable?
We have complete trust in God and confidence in him when we go through trials, in part because we have experienced his grace and goodness in our lives. We are like a small child, whose parents can say to them "Don't touch that, it's hot and you will get hurt". Too often, children will touch the hot item and get burned before they believe the parent, but in the future, when that parent warns that child that an item is hot, the child does not touch it-they have confidence in the warning of the parent. We are the same-we often need to experience the consequences of poor decisions, or see God at work before we can truly believe and have faith.
My childhood priest would disagree with me, but even scripture uses examples of Gods greatness to make us see him. In James 1:1-13, James speaks of believing without doubting, which is important, but he also states in verse 11 "For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plan; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business". He uses an example that everyone can relate to, to explain the lesson.
We can feel Gods love, in part because we know what love feels like once we are loved by another (parents, friends, spouse, etc). We know his greatness when we see natural wonders that remind us how small and insignificant we are.
Faith is the complete trust in God. It is the complete confidence in him. Should we have blind faith, without ever needed to be reassured and given evidence? Absolutely we should. However, we are human and as such, we are sinful and far from perfect. We do sometimes need reassurance and reminders. God knows that because he knows our hearts. It is because he knows us so intimately and cares for us so deeply that he gives us people and miracles we need to feel him. Even parents who love their children so deeply, it sometimes hurts, give their children hugs, kisses, trinkets, and words of praise and reassurance. Why wouldn't God, who loves us perfectly and more than we can ever imagine, why wouldn't he do the same for us?
It is by seeking God daily, by recognizing him every day in our lives, and by being in his word daily that we develop faith. When we pray to him regularly and see him answer our prayers, no matter what the answer is, we strengthen our faith. When we struggle, it is important to reach out to others in our lives and listen to them. In the same fashion, we must reach out to those we see struggling and offer them reassurance and reminders of Gods presence in our lives. Sometimes it's a verse from the Bible, but just as often it is simply reminiscing with them about a time when they felt Gods presence strongly, or the wonders of nature and creation.
So, I apologize to Father Murphy, but I think he was wrong. I think our faith is something we experience. It will either strengthen or weaken based on what we do. It must be nurtured as it is fluid and can change dramatically as we go through different phases of life.
When I was a child, I asked a lot of provocative questions of the priests and nuns at my Catholic grade school (much to the dismay of my parents). I once had a conversation with a priest, whom I very much admired, about faith. He told me that you just have to believe, without proof, or you do not have faith. When I questioned how one could believe without proof or explanation, he stated that some struggle with this and that we call those people "doubting Thomas' after the disciple who needed to see Christ before believing he had risen from the dead.
Well, as much as I loved and adored Father Murphy, I think he was wrong on this point and missed a great opportunity. I spent most of my childhood and adult life feeling like I didn't measure up as a Christian, because I sought Christ in everyday life, I didn't have a blind faith. Now, after much prayer, research and thought, I have decided that we all seek Christ for evidence that he is here and hears us. We see the sun rise, and think of him. We call out to him when we are in distress, and seek to feel comforted. We look in our children's eyes and see him in all their hopes and dreams.
The reality is that God aces himself present to us every single day, so that if we seek him, we will find him (Matthew 7:7 states; "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened"). Every Christian has a season where they struggle to see Christ, to feel him, and they often go in search of him. It is not enough to say to these people, "Just believe, if you are a true Christian", this is both hurtful and not very helpful. It is akin to telling a blind person "just see, if you truly have eyes" it's silly and does nothing to help the situation. What we need to do is show each other how to have faith.
When I look at my life, I am often taken aback by how blessed I am. The truth is, that after years of hardships and struggles, I have learned that even the trials and tests in my life are blessings. This is not because I read a Bible verse that taught me that (James 1:1-13), but rather because I have read that Bible verse and have seen it played out in my life and the lives of my loved ones. As an example, I had my son as a teenager. I was not a strong Christian and struggled greatly with my faith as a teenager, therefore I made poor choices that made me a mother at 17.
Being pregnant as a teenager, 25 years ago, was not easy. People called me names, family was embarrassed and society as a whole assumed that I would amount to nothing more than a typical welfare mother. However, once I became pregnant, I also became focused on my future and that of my sons. My now husband (his daddy), also became very focused on his future. We worked together to go to college, graduate and make something of ourselves. It was in the consequences of our choice, and the trials of being teen parents that we learned what it meant to look to the future.
When my son was born, I knew that nothing would ever prevent me from succeeding simply because he deserved the best. Suddenly, I was transformed from a wild teenage girl, who partied and started fights, hung out with the wrong crowd and skipped school, to an A student, whose primary focus was the new family taking shape and protecting the innocent child she gave birth to. It became clear that my choices needed to be better to give my son the best possible life. It became clear to me that God used my choices and the consequences of that choice, and used it for good. He changed the course of my life and I knew it.
It's not just big events either-when I am really upset and feel alone, I go to my favorite spot and pray. My favorite spot is a park along Lake Michigan in Milwaukee. I used to go there with my parents all the time, and looking at the lake, reminds me of the greatness of God. See? We seek him and can find him in everyday details. Who among us has not had their breath stolen by the perfect sunset? Who has not seen the hand of God in a severe storm? Who has not felt his comfort when they were at their lowest and their soul cried out to loud to God, it was unbelievable? We have complete trust in God and confidence in him when we go through trials, in part because we have experienced his grace and goodness in our lives. We are like a small child, whose parents can say to them "Don't touch that, it's hot and you will get hurt". Too often, children will touch the hot item and get burned before they believe the parent, but in the future, when that parent warns that child that an item is hot, the child does not touch it-they have confidence in the warning of the parent. We are the same-we often need to experience the consequences of poor decisions, or see God at work before we can truly believe and have faith.
My childhood priest would disagree with me, but even scripture uses examples of Gods greatness to make us see him. In James 1:1-13, James speaks of believing without doubting, which is important, but he also states in verse 11 "For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plan; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business". He uses an example that everyone can relate to, to explain the lesson.
We can feel Gods love, in part because we know what love feels like once we are loved by another (parents, friends, spouse, etc). We know his greatness when we see natural wonders that remind us how small and insignificant we are.
Faith is the complete trust in God. It is the complete confidence in him. Should we have blind faith, without ever needed to be reassured and given evidence? Absolutely we should. However, we are human and as such, we are sinful and far from perfect. We do sometimes need reassurance and reminders. God knows that because he knows our hearts. It is because he knows us so intimately and cares for us so deeply that he gives us people and miracles we need to feel him. Even parents who love their children so deeply, it sometimes hurts, give their children hugs, kisses, trinkets, and words of praise and reassurance. Why wouldn't God, who loves us perfectly and more than we can ever imagine, why wouldn't he do the same for us?
It is by seeking God daily, by recognizing him every day in our lives, and by being in his word daily that we develop faith. When we pray to him regularly and see him answer our prayers, no matter what the answer is, we strengthen our faith. When we struggle, it is important to reach out to others in our lives and listen to them. In the same fashion, we must reach out to those we see struggling and offer them reassurance and reminders of Gods presence in our lives. Sometimes it's a verse from the Bible, but just as often it is simply reminiscing with them about a time when they felt Gods presence strongly, or the wonders of nature and creation.
So, I apologize to Father Murphy, but I think he was wrong. I think our faith is something we experience. It will either strengthen or weaken based on what we do. It must be nurtured as it is fluid and can change dramatically as we go through different phases of life.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Complete Self Acceptance-Possibly the Hardest Change of All
With the New year upon us, it is very clear that one thing most of us struggle with is self acceptance. How many times have you heard, or even uttered the following:
We must learn to begin to embrace our flaws, to love ourselves as we were created to be. This is a change that we all need to make, but it may be the hardest change of all. Why? We all want to be the best-the best wife, the best mother, the best employee, the best Christian, the most loved, the most adored, the most popular; each of us seeks to be the best at something. We know we may not be, but we try, and in that, we are naturally prone to see what may be holding us back. For example, a woman who wants to be loved deeply and seen as being the best wife, may very well get focused on her appearance, her intelligence, even her tone of voice in an effort to capture her beloveds heart. She can't change the fact that she will naturally be curvy, her tone of voice or her intelligence; she can chose to pursue activities that will enhance her physical being, she can highlight her intelligence, by staying informed and learning new things, but in then end she cannot change the inherent body shape or intelligence, she certainly cannot change her voice! Neither should she-she was created by God to be the perfectly wonderful person that she is.
- "I wish I was taller (or shorter)"
- "If I could just lose the extra weight, I would love my body"
- "If only I was better at _____________, then my life would be great"
- "I wish I had ______________'s hair (or body, house, job, clothes, money, etc)"
- "I hate myself and the way I look (or feel, talk, move, etc)"
These statements make me sad when I hear them, even though I often utter them myself. The truth is that God created each one of us to be individuals, and that He created us with everything we need to be perfect in His eyes-but it is up to us to recognize that and make the most of our talents and blessings.
Psalm 139:13 states "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb". I love that verse and have for years, perhaps because I love knitting so much. When I knit a project, I plan it out, I spend hours searching for the exact right pattern, I carefully select the colors, the right needles, and even adjust the pattern as needed for the person I intend to give it to. I put a lot of thought into it before I ever begin one stitch. As I knit it, I feel a closeness to the person I created it for. I think of them as I knit, and hope that they will feel all the love I have put into the piece. In the end, I am proud of the work I did and present it to them. I know all of the flaws of the piece, both the ones I have corrected and the ones I was not able to correct, but I love it just the same. A piece of my heart goes with every single project I make for others. I envision that is how God feels when he creates us.
He knows every flaw in us, yet he loves us all the more. He carefully selects our hair color, our tendency to be a certain weight, our compassion level, our intelligence, our level of empathy, our ability to make money or our ability to make others feel loved. He selects the right combination of talents and trials to make us our best. Every person alive, has a piece of Gods heart in them. I imagine that it breaks his heart when we speak, or think, negatively about his creations that he has worked so lovingly on.
I have come to believe that God has infused each of us with our own special blend of trials, blessings and inherent desires. Some of us want desperately to feel loved and cared for, others want (just as desperately) to be in solitude. Some find peace in being surrounded by others, it invigorates them and energizes them, others find energy and solace in being alone. Some love to read, eat or run, others love to think, contemplate or meditate. Who among us can say that our way is better? None of us, all we can say is that our way is best for us. Romans 14:3-5 illustrates this point beautifully "The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand. One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind".
We have all heard not to judge others, but we need to not judge ourselves so harshly either. It is true that it is important to be honest with ourselves and know when we are doing wrong, and take steps to correct it. However, to judge your self worth because you cannot gain or lose weight as easily as the next person, or because of your eye color, body type or even intelligence is not okay. It's saying to yourself, to others and to God that he made a mistake and that you could have done a better job. He is the perfect creator, who created the mountains, the valleys and every living being-perfectly-he did not make a mistake on you or on me!
We must learn to begin to embrace our flaws, to love ourselves as we were created to be. This is a change that we all need to make, but it may be the hardest change of all. Why? We all want to be the best-the best wife, the best mother, the best employee, the best Christian, the most loved, the most adored, the most popular; each of us seeks to be the best at something. We know we may not be, but we try, and in that, we are naturally prone to see what may be holding us back. For example, a woman who wants to be loved deeply and seen as being the best wife, may very well get focused on her appearance, her intelligence, even her tone of voice in an effort to capture her beloveds heart. She can't change the fact that she will naturally be curvy, her tone of voice or her intelligence; she can chose to pursue activities that will enhance her physical being, she can highlight her intelligence, by staying informed and learning new things, but in then end she cannot change the inherent body shape or intelligence, she certainly cannot change her voice! Neither should she-she was created by God to be the perfectly wonderful person that she is.
When we seek the approval of others, when we try to control our own futures and destinies, we take our eyes off of God. We forget that he knit us together and all that entails. He chose our parents for us, for what they had to offer (both what we perceive as good and bad), it is up to us to embrace them and learn from them. It is essential that we remember that our primary goal needs to be on accepting ourselves and praising God for making us into the perfect creatures we are. We must learn to seek his approval over our own, or others.
When I am able to stay focused on this fact, I find that I am much more accepting of myself, flaws and all. I see that I am strong because of the troubles I have faced, I am compassionate because of the times I have been mistreated, and I love deeply because I was loved deeply and felt what it meant to change someones life. I love my body-though it is far from perfect. The truth is, I am strong, curvy and full of passion. I lift weights, I run, I climb stairs, I hike. My body, though it is not perfect, is perfect for me. It allows me to do things that others cannot do. When I am good to it, I feel great; and when I stop working out, or am not eating healthy, it responds quickly and loudly to me. My arthritis will flare up, I get awful headaches, joint pain, stiffness and become lethargic. I used to hate that, but now I embrace it. I realize that my body has taught me to persevere, to let go of societal ideas of beauty. I am beautiful, not because of my size or shape, but because I am loved by God and I was created by him to be exactly who I am.
I still struggle with letting go of seeking others approval; lets be honest, that's a tough one-we all love to hear that others care about us, love us, etc. That being said, I have learned to accept me as I am, even when others do not. I am learning every day to seek Gods approval, to judge myself fairly and honestly and perhaps most importantly to love myself for being the best version of me I can be. I try to remind myself daily that love the was put into creating me and loving God more for the effort.
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| I am learning to love myself for the person God created me to be. |
I think if we all understood this concept, it would be easier to be nice to people. We would love ourselves more, we would be more willing to reach out and praise others-lift them up. Too many of us, tear others down in an effort to make ourselves feel better. This must break Gods heart. We need to spend time telling those we love why we love them, what makes them special, why they are perfectly created. We must embrace our children and tell them how blessed we are to have them, how incredible they are just as they are! We need to tell our friends why we love them, what we admire about them, without depreciating ourselves in the process. We should be dealing with everyone, even strangers, with love and acceptance. We need to realize that each of us have our own insecurities, our own weaknesses and struggles and our own strengths. God created us to be relational, to help each other, not to tear each other down. He has called us to love one another-as John 13:34-35 says "A new command I give you; love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have loved one another.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Ask, Seek, Knock
Have you ever wondered what it means to pray without fear? This is something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about. I believe that all to often, we think that prayer needs to be a formal affair, full of rules, processes and procedures. More often than I care to admit, I think “true Prayer” has to be done when I am alone, with my head bowed, me humbly before God on my knees. It can only be a “true” prayer if I have spent time in Gods word first; have read it, contemplated it, and quieted my heart, then tried to understand it. “True” prayer has to be full of gratitude and rewording of scripture, it has to be deeply felt and spiritual in nature. Anything short of this is not really prayer, it’s not truly honoring God, right?
That’s how I used to feel, when I was first beginning to ponder what true prayer was- how to converse with God. There are so many different viewpoints out there. Certainly, there is a place for the above. We do honor God when we get on our knees (literally and figuratively), when we study and ponder His word, when we quiet our hearts. It is good for us to give praise to our God and to fill our hearts with gratitude for the blessings He has given us. These are all good things, but prayer is more than that.
Prayer, simply put, is a conversation with God. Sometimes, it means deep contemplative time with Him; other times, we only have time for quick little requests or brief moments to give thanks and praise (I call these “arrow prayers” and we will cover these later in the study). Prayer is speaking to God, then quieting our hearts enough to hear His answers. Praise is great, so is giving thanks, but what about asking for things? Is it ok to make requests of God, or do we show a lack of faith in Him and His plans for us when we dare to ask for specific things?
When my son was in middle school, he was on fire for Jesus. I mean this kids heart and soul burned for Jesus- he studied the Bible, pondered it, knew verses, placed them on his heart. His love for Jesus was evident to everyone who met him. I know a lot of parents say that their children are special- and all are- but he was special in a different way. He was confident, outspoken and not afraid to speak out on his faith- it set him apart from his peers, although he was also humble, so he had many friends.
We had several pastors tell us that they believed he would make an excellent pastor one day. Dale was focused on God’s word; as I said, he studied it, pondered on it, and often times found ways of looking at scripture that I, and many others around us, did not see. He had a way of getting those around him excited and would say little “DJ-ism’s” that would stay with the listener for a long time (DJ was is nickname among friends and family).
Matthew 7:7 is one of those verses. When he was in the 7th grade, his confirmation class was studying the book of Matthew. One night, DJ came out of his room, with his Bible in hand, “Mom”, he said, “ I just noticed that God really wants us to ask for what we want”.
To be honest, these epiphanies were not all that rare, and generally managed to surface while I was preparing dinner, doing the laundry or some other mundane task, so it didn’t catch me too off guard this time. Cooking dinner, I turned to him and said something like, “of course he does, what made you think about this tonight?”. He looked at me, with his Bible still in his hands, opened to this verse, and said, “Look at how Jesus says this verse; ‘Ask and it will be given to you, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you”.
“Yep” I said, still not fully getting where his thoughts were going on this, but certain that dinner needed to be tended to, “it says right there to ask for what you want”
“It does,” he said with that tone, that told me he was both amused and annoyed that I could not see what was so clear to him- this tone typically got my attention, it meant he was on to something that was different, something that he felt was a game changer. So, I put dinner to the side and sat down with DJ and his opened Bible as he went on to say “the way Jesus says it, the order of Ask, Seek and Knock, it’s important. Can’t you see it?”
“Not really,” I answered truthfully, and somewhat embarrassed that a 13 year old was getting the best of me academically.
“look at the first letter of each of those words” he said as he underlined them. “A-S-K! Gods telling us twice in the same verse to ask Him! It means He really wants us to ASK Him for everything!”
Needless to say, I felt foolish for never noticing this before, but also so very proud that DJ at 13, got a lesson that many Christians live their entire lives not fully understanding. God loves us so completely that He wants us to come to Him, to ask him anything and everything. He wants for each of us to seek Him out, to ask Him for what we desire, what we want, what we don’t understand.
It’s not just material items that we are to ask about. Our God wants us to search out the answers to our darkest fears, to our deepest questions, to our most hidden inquiries. He wants us to seek the truth in Him, and to rely on Him for what we need. 1John5:14 states, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us”. What an incredible promise- our God hears our requests, every single one of them- no matter how small or big! He is a loving God, who is beyond faithful and who desires only what is best for us, but before he can answer us, we have to ASK.
When we ask God for guidance, seek His wisdom, or seek His truth, we don’t show a lack of trust. In fact, it’s just the opposite- we show Him that we trust Him and His answers more than anything on Earth. We honor God when we reach out for Him. We show Him our vulnerabilities, our desires, our insecurities- how can that be anything but good?
As parents, we don’t feel that our children are disrespectful or rude when they ask for guidance. We don’t feel that our child doesn’t trust us when they ask “why”. we understand that they are seeking an answer and they trust us to be honest and give them the knowledge they need. If we, as sinful humans, can see that, how much more clearly will God be able to see that when we talk to Him? If our child asks for a material possession or a special privilege, we do not think that they are being ungrateful for what we have given them, we see that they are expressing a need, a want or a desire. We can choose to approve of the request or deny it, but the child knows that his/her parent makes decisions based on love (even if, in the moment it may not seem like it, and that child may feel disappointment or anger).
Luke makes this point while sharing with the reader Jesus’s teachings on how to pray. Just after he reiterates the teaching of Ask, Seek, Knock, Luke 11:11-13, sates: “For which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”
As a mother, that moment of my son educating me has stayed in the forefront of my heart- and it always will. It taught me how insightful young people can be, how incredibly gifted my son was at seeing things others didn’t notice (a gift that would serve him well in adulthood), and that we all have more to learn about our faith. I was so proud of DJ, that for the next several weeks, I told anyone who would listen about his epiphany- pastors, friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers. Many people heard Gods word those weeks, due to a mothers pride.
I have come back to this memory often in my walk with Christ. In my darkest hours, when I could not make sense of a series of tragedies that had taken their toll on our family, I recalled this memory and called to God. I asked Him, why we were being asked to go through such a difficult time, how long did He expect us to endure, would we be OK? I asked Him for comfort for me, my husband, my son and the rest of our extended family. I asked Him for answers, but I also asked God to provide a way for us all to grow closer through it.
When my son was going through difficult times, I again turned to asking God. This time, I asked God what he needed us, as parents to know, what were we to do to help our son, what was it that DJ needed to know? Why was he being asked to walk through such a difficult trial when he was over 2000 miles from home, with very little support close by?
True to form, God was there answering me- but I needed to quiet my heart and listen to Him. Much like a child who is in the midst of a temper tantrum cannot hear a parent explain why they cannot have a particular toy, we cannot hear Gods answers if we are unable to quiet our hearts and listen.
Each time, I came to God and asked Him for things, answers, or direction. Each time, I came to Christ broken, lost and feeling alone, or scared and feeling as if I were not strong enough. Coming to God and asking what I needed to ask has always brought me peace, comfort, and a sense that even when I don’t understand, it’s all part of a plan.
Often times, we as Christians feel that if we are not filling our prayers with gratitude and fluffy feelings, then we are not being faithful. We pray with “rose colored glasses on”. Our life can feel like it’s falling apart, but we continue to say prayers of thanks. Prayers of thanks and gratitude are important, especially during our times of struggle. It’s absolutely important that we remain focused on Gods blessings, but who are we kidding?
Can any of us say, in truth and honesty, that we are closest to those we have never shared any real feelings with? Think about this for a minute. When we express insecurities, vulnerabilities, even frustration and anger with other people, it increases our feelings of closeness with them. We cannot feel connected to those we don’t share true and honest emotions with. We have to share the good, appreciate them, and tell them that we love them, but we also need to honesty share our shortcomings, our fears, our secrets with them. Our relationship with God is the same. If all we do is pray with our rose colored glasses on, then we are not being truthful with God. He knows our hearts better than we do, He knows when we are not being completely honest with Him. This keeps our relationship with God superficial, and this dishonors Him. It tells God, “I don’t trust You to know my not so good side. I don’t trust that your love is enough to heal me” . It says that you think God is not faithful, that if He really knew what you wanted to pray, he would leave and walk away from you.
God knows our hearts- all of it. He knows the darkest fears we can’t even acknowledge to ourselves, He knows when we are in angst and need Him. He desires the intimacy that comes from being vulnerable enough to cry out our deepest insecurities. He wants to reassure us, to comfort us, but we need to reach out to Him, to take His hand.
God understands that we are human, we do not have the omniscient sight that He has. He understands that we don’t understand everything, and He delights in us seeking the truth from Him. He wants us to be completely honest in our prayers and conversations with Him. He doesn’t need us to put on the rose colored glasses- that makes us feel better, but does nothing to enhance our relationship with Christ.
God has a plan for each of us. He doesn’t always give us what we want, but He gives us what we need. We need to trust this, we need to feel His love and compassion, and we need to feel free to ask any questions that plague us. He is not easily offended, when our intentions are to know and do His will. God seeks us out, He provides us with answers to every question we ask- He either gives us the answer now or he asks us to wait, but He hears every question, every request and every prayer.
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