Today is the start of the Lenten season. I am not sure why, but this year I am finding myself filled with trepidation as I make a commitment to sacrifice in my life for the next 40 days. Maybe because in the past, I didn't take this seriously, maybe I never really understood the reason for the sacrifice, or maybe I have been selfish and immature. Whatever the reason, this year I wanted to be sure that whatever changes I committed to were meaningful and difficult.
I thought for days about it. I prayed about it, I even asked friends for ideas (nothing really original was offered), I went to websites, and I fretted. Finally, I went to bed last night, and asked God to guide me. This morning, I decided to ADD regular working out and GIVE UP processed foods-and here's why.
Regular Workouts- a discipline I have lost:
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I have stopped working out. I used to hit the gym regularly, I worked with a trainer and I pushed myself hard. I took pride in the changes my body experienced. I loved watching muscles replace fat.
Then life got in the way. Health problems, marriage, work all took precedent. I stopped going to the gym, saying that I could work out at home. It was not long before that went away as well. Now, I don't work out at all. I wake up, go through my day, then sit on my ever expanding rump and complain about how tired and worn out I am.
Working out regularly requires discipline. To go to the gym a prescribed number of days each week is hard, it takes commitment and effort that is intentional. Discipline is something that many in our society are lacking-in many areas of life (financial, personal responsibility, diet, health, taking care of others, etc).
My goal is to work out 5 days a week. My husband says to start small, maybe two days a week. I thought about it, and decided that if it was easy, then it required no sacrifice on my part. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, so I am all in and doing at least 5 days a week. When I go to the gym, I will work out hard, pushing myself to new limits and learning to trust God to take me to higher heights! i will break a sweat, be sore the next day and find out just how far my body can go.
No more processed foods:
When I stopped working out, I also let my diet slide. I thoroughly enjoy junk food of all sorts! Chips, ice cream, pizza, anything fried-all these things make me happy. I know that I do not have a healthy relationship with food.
The truth is, God gave us food to nourish our bodies; to provide the necessary energy for us to do what we are required to do daily. He never intended for food to be used to manage our emotions. God created potatoes, not potato chips for a reason. When we eat natural foods, we nourish our bodies, when we eat human created "Frankenfoods", we nourish our emotional moments.
Think about this, when you are heartbroken and feeling down, does an apple really provide the same comfort as a big bowl of ice cream? Of course not, but the apple gives us the energy and stamina we need to get through every day.
I have been lazy. Instead of dealing with the emotions of stress, worry, fear, joy, pride, etc, I have allowed frankenfoods to deal with them. It's hard for me to feel emotions, I'm not sure why. I prefer to have the numbness that emotional eating brings, but this is not how God created us.
God gave us emotions to help guide us. When we do well, work hard, and stay focused, we feel joy, contentment, peace and pride. When we are off track, lazy, selfish etc, we tend to feel depressed, worried, stressed and lethargic. If we feel our emotions, and let them guide us, we can and will grow closer to God.
The plan:
So here it is- the moment of truth. Today, I make a commitment to God and to myself to eat natural, unprocessed foods for the next 40 days. I will not allow my emotions to dictate what I put into my body. I will allow Gods created foods to nourish my body as it was meant to.
I will also hit the gym 5 days a week-no matter what! When I am tired, worn out or stressed, I will remind myself of the gift God has given me in a body that can work out. I will remember that being lazy is not part of Gods plan in our lives- He asks us to work hard, to sacrifice and to put forth an effort every day.
These two things are going to be extremely challenging for me. I am not a strong person by nature, I am lazy by nature. To find success, I will pray, but I will also utilize the support system God has placed in my life. I have posted my intentions on social media and have asked my loved ones for support. I will also chronicle my journey here. I know I may be the only one who reads this, but maybe someone will read it and will offer support. Maybe someone will read it and find strength or support from my journey. I trust that God will bring to this blog, those who need to be here.
That's my plan-pray for me, I know I will need it!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
When What was Acceptable is No Longer OK
For years, I have had very low self esteem. I'm not sure why. Sure, I could blame it on my childhood, or some traumatic event, but let's be honest here-every day we get up and make decisions about how we will think, feel and act. We get to choose every single day who we are and who we want to be-this is shown by the millions of people who have that proverbial "ah-ha moment" and instantly change their lives.
So, no excuses about my low self esteem. The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice. I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.
A perfect example of this, is in my marriage. Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me. If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist. I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.
So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily. I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short. I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing. Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first. I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.
For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage. The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself. I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me. This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it. I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).
Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever. He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry). We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.
When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles. I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching. I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone. I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see. I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that. I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.
See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him. I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad. I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better. That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage. I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.
I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend. I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt. He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay. He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings. He said something to me that changed my life forever. We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate. If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it. Until then, you can't really be mad".
I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks. In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me. I began to focus on what i did right in my life. I was, and am, a good mother. I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart. I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.
Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need. We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of. Today, we are still a work in progress. I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more. This drives me crazy.
If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things. That is the effort he makes. What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.
He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate. However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness. I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.
I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage. I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too. I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker. He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.
My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all. I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all. I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be. He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant. I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will find peace on this issue.
In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.
So, no excuses about my low self esteem. The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice. I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.
A perfect example of this, is in my marriage. Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me. If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist. I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.
So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily. I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short. I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing. Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first. I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.
For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage. The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself. I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me. This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it. I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).
Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever. He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry). We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.
When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles. I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching. I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone. I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see. I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that. I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.
See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him. I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad. I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better. That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage. I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.
I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend. I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt. He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay. He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings. He said something to me that changed my life forever. We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate. If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it. Until then, you can't really be mad".
I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks. In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me. I began to focus on what i did right in my life. I was, and am, a good mother. I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart. I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.
Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need. We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of. Today, we are still a work in progress. I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more. This drives me crazy.
If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things. That is the effort he makes. What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.
He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate. However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness. I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.
I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage. I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too. I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker. He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.
My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all. I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all. I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be. He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant. I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will find peace on this issue.
In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.
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