Helping Loved Ones be Patient in Times of Suffering

We all struggle from time to time.  Each one of us will endure times of great suffering and hardship-sometimes of our own doing, sometimes not.  It is true that our choices affect what happens to us; I doubt anyone would deny that.  Obviously, if you make the choice not to get up and go to work every day, you will not be employed very long, which then brings on financial hardships, loss of property, etc.

Sometimes we are asked to walk through times of trials and suffering out of circumstance.  A parent of an autistic child never made a choice that caused the disease.  In fact, ask any parent of a special needs child and they will tell you that they would give anything to take away the suffering their children experience everyday.  The young woman who lost her husband as he was off to war defending his country, did not do anything to cause his passing; in fact, she would most likely do anything to have him back-if even for one more day.

We all are asked to walk through periods of trials and struggles.  I have written often of the period in my life when I lost six people who were very close to me in a very short period.  The loss was profound and definitely changed who I am at the core.  I used to ask why, then I realized the change that resulted was why.

God wants us to have the best life possible, and he will sometimes allow us to struggle in order to give us the opportunity to make the changes needed to achieve our best life.  James 1:2-3 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fact trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance".  It is through the perseverance that develops when our faith is tested that we grow the most.  It is when we feel the most vulnerable and most likely to allow God to produce great change within us.

The fact that trials and struggles are both necessary and beneficial to us, does not make it easier to walk through these.  Times of personal struggle can be very isolating and lonely, we can feel as if no one understands, and as if we cannot find our way out of the darkness.  We all know what it is like to feel alone in times of struggle, and I believe this is part of the reason we all feel a deep desire to help others who are struggling.

When we "help" others who are struggling, there are some things not to do.  The following list is compiled from experiences I have had, and from discussions with hundreds of families who have gone through suffering and trials (being a social worker has the benefit of gaining several perspectives of a topic).

Suggesting God is using the trial to punish someone:

I cannot believe I have to say this, but sadly I do.  While God does discipline his people for their own good, He does not ever use hardship and trials to punish us for an action or lack of action!  Jesus paid the price for our sins already, no punishment is ever needed or given.  God will sometimes allow us to walk through a period of difficulty, not in reaction to something done or not done, but rather to give us the opportunity to reap a blessing.

I have had people who I valued in my life say to me during times of extreme hardship that "You must have done something that God is punishing you for, what do you think it is?"  I know this person thought they were being helpful, but they were not.  Hearing this could have the potential of making the person suffering to feel like God is vengeful and angry, not compassionate and full of love.

The truth of God is that he is a loving God, he does not "make us" walk through trials, rather he allows us (remember Job?) to go through trials for a reason.  He sees the growth and blessings that can result from trials and hardship.

Suggesting the hardship is for the best:

This is different than reminding others that God uses hardship to bring blessings and that He knows more than we ever can.  I am appalled by the number of times I have been told by parents who have lost children, that loved ones tried to comfort them with comments like "God must have known your son/daughter was going to wander away from his/her faith, so He took them home, what a blessing"  What?!?!  Are you kidding?  Don't ever say this to a parent who has lost a child, it is mean, lacking in insight and thoughtless- and it causes much more pain than you can ever imagine.

Trials are for our benefit, and God always has a plan, but it is seldom helpful to hear that the deepest pain we are feeling is "for the best".  When we experience a significant loss, or hardship, we need to be reminded that God loves us and will walk us through the challenge.

What is helpful?

I'm glad you asked!  What is helpful, is to be there in love.  Sometimes, you cannot fix a problem, all you can do is be there.  When my mom passed away, I was out of the state and needed to fly back.  One of my closest friends met me at the airport, meals in her car, and she just drove me to my moms home.  She didn't make me talk, she allowed me to make that 45 min drive in silence and when I got our of her car, she just gave me a hug and said that she loved me.

That was more helpful and compassionate than the others who told me to be happy because my mother was not suffering anymore.  While I knew that was true, I was suffering a lot!  All I knew in that moment was that my heart was ripped open, raw with the recent loss and that I wanted my mom back.  The act of my friend, to not only show up, but to be comfortable just being with me, with no expectation, allowed me a chance to feel the pain and not feel completely alone.

When you counsel someone who is hurting, suffering or walking through a trial- remind them of Gods love.  Remind them that while we do not always have the answers, God does.  We don't always need the answers, we need faith.  We need to trust and hold on to Gods love.  He has told us that he will not leave us or forsake us, that he will hold us in his hands, and that he catches all our tears.  Remind them that  they are precious in Gods eyes and he will bring them through this trial.

Help loved ones see that God has already prepared them.  I have found that God always prepares us, and gives us what we need before we go through a trial.  He puts people in our lives who can understand, who love us and who can provide support.  He gives us insight, builds our strength and resolve prior to us going through hardship.  I know two families who have autistic children, when I see them, I am amazed at the grace and strength which they use to parent.  God gave them what they needed to survive.

The bottom line is, if we remember to be there in love and not feel like we have to find a reason or to fix everything, then our loved ones can experience the benefits of having faith tested and growing in perseverance.  It is not easy, but compassion and love must rule how we guide others through hardships.

The Patience of God is Amazing

Sometimes, God gives us challenges that we simply cannot get through without him.  It may be that he puts an especially challenging person, a health crisis, a financial hiccup, or even a personal struggle.  When I was younger, the priests at my church would often say that God does not give us more than we can handle-I think this needs to be adjusted just a bit.

God does not give us more than we can handle with him.   God is the reason we are able to handle anything.  With him, anyone of us can get through absolutely anything.  Without God, even daily struggles can overwhelm us.

I have been struggling with some very personal struggles.  I have been feeling let down and disappointed by loved ones-as a result, I have started to feel that I maybe unlovable.  Then I remembered that God never gives us what we cannot handle with him.  I remembered how the Bible tells us to lay our burdens on him (Matt 11:28).  It can be hard to do that.

We all have some need to feel control; some of us more than others.  We want to feel like we are able to  control our reactions, our outcomes, our future.  I may be the worst person with this.  I have such a tight grip on my worries, I guard my heart like a dog guards a bone, and I am slow to let go and hand it over to Christ.  I don't easily trust others-a condition brought on by past hurts and my inability to let go.

We all have this need.  I have seen those who must have their morning routines the exact same every single day, or the entire day they feel off.  I have seen, even the most laid back person, insist on getting their way just because.  Sometimes, we don't even realize it when we are holding on to control.

For me, my struggle came to a head this past weekend.  As I was thinking of how things were not how I wanted, how I would structure them, I realized that things were not right, because I was trying to take control.  Prayer was the answer.  The truth is, the people, whom I felt were not "loving me as I need to be",  they were doing the best they could.  They are people with their own struggles and limitations, and needs.

The truth was, as I prayed for God to open their eyes and help them see how they hurt me (yep, I was that vain in my prayers), God opened my eyes.  He softened my heart as he spoke to me.  "Child", he said to me, "I have given you a wonderful life, and have blessed you richly.  I have done this, not because you have earned it, but because I love you as you need to be loved.  I know what you need, even before you do and I am here for you".

For most, that would have been enough, but not for me!  I am stubborn, I still wanted others to see their faults.  Patiently, God kept prodding me, gently convicting me and softening my heart.  Even as I slept, I was convicted.  Finally, I got it- my struggle is related to my own stubbornness to hold on, to try and control everything.  When I let go, I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders.

We must remember that God loves us more than we can even love ourselves.  He is in control and he sees the bigger picture, he always gives us what we need.  If we let him, he gives us more than we could ever dream for.  Deuteronomy 28:2 states "All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God".  Truth rings from this statement.

When we are obedient to God, when we listen to his teachings, his prodding's, his guidance, we are richly blessed.  When we do as God leads us, he takes us to great places and uses us to accomplish great things.  We all have dreams, but Gods dreams are brighter, bigger and more than we can ever imagine!

The most amazing thing is his patience with us.  I am not the only person who is stubborn and thick headed-all of us are.  The man who completely trusts and follows Gods lead is a rare man indeed.  Even David, a man after Gods own heart, struggled to hold on to control.  He struggled to trust God completely and had to be convicted.  God is patient with us, he continues to reach out to us and meet us where we are.  I am amazed by this-often.

The Bigger Picture

I often find that when I pray I pray for myself.  I pray that I will be a better wife, mother, friend, employee.  I pray that I will find joy and happiness.  I pray that I will find success and defeat the fear that holds me back in life.  I pray that I will be adventurous, disciplined and focused.  That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.


I pray that I will be a beacon for others, that they will see God in me.  I pray that words I speak will reflect His love (often falling short), and that I will have compassion for others.  I pray that I will see others as God sees them, and I will love them as He does.  I pray that my study and understanding of Gods word will grow deeper and deeper.  I pray that I will understand what few others do; that others will see me as wise.  That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.

I pray for my family.  That my husband will find peace of mind, security and success.  I pray that he will defeat the demons that seem to plague him day after day.  I pray that he will draw closer to God and come to know that peace that comes from a close relationship with Him.  I pray that he will find happiness and joy in his life.   That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.

I pray that my son will come to know peace and joy.  I pray that he will have continued success.  I pray that he find his way back to Christ.  That he will one day, recall the peace and blessings bestowed upon those who follow Christ.  I pray that he will learn to love with all his heart, and that he will not be afraid of being hurt so deeply that he actually thinks his heart is breaking; for this is where true love and happiness are to be found.  I pray that he will remember the importance of family and treasure the gift.  That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.

I pray for other family members.  For dreams to be realized, challenges to be overcome and goals reached.  I pray for those who need comfort, to have it.  I pray that they all have love and peace, success and happiness.  I pray that they will be drawn into Gods family, especially those who  have been away for so long that they have forgotten what it feels like to know God loves them.  That's ok, but there is a bigger picture.

Every once in a while, I pray for others-for those I don't know.  I pray that the world will come to see how far we have strayed from Gods will.  I pray that the world will see how cruel we, as humans, can be to each other.  I pray that those who are starving in the world, find food and know the comfort of a full belly.  I pray that those who live with disease and death daily, will have the peace of knowing their children are safe, if even for a night.  I pray that the lonely will find companionship, that those who feel hopeless will know true hope and happiness.  I pray that those who are ill, will find health.  This is part of the bigger picture.

I pray that those who know hate, will find their hearts overwhelmed with love.  I pray that those who lead wars, will see the devastation they are creating, and choose to create something better.  I pray that those who are victims of war, hate and violence, will not hold on to fear, anger or hatred, but will be courageous enough to love their aggressors and find forgiveness.  I pray that we will come together to overcome evil, to do good and to bring Gods will to all the world.  That is the bigger picture.

God calls us to love others, to do his will and to preach his word to the world.  I am guilty of becoming selfish and losing focus on the bigger picture.  I am just one person, but in Gods eyes, I am one very important person who can make a difference.  We all are.  Each of us is a part of Gods greater plan, we just need to quiet our hearts and listen.  We need to get our focus off of ourselves and onto God.

When we are on our knees, looking heavenward-that is when we see the bigger picture.