Why do we insist on judging others when we all know that it is wrong? The Bible tells us, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye" (Matt 7:3,5).
We are taught as children not to be judgmental and harsh with others. We teach our children to "play nice" with others, indicating that we al know better. I see a lot of adults who are harsh and judgmental towards other adults.
We all judge others, but why? What purpose is served by passing judgement? One thing we all get from passing judgement is the feeling of superiority. Few of us will admit it, but the truth is, when we are looking down on someone else, it makes us feel better about who we are and the choices we make. We all have self doubt from time to time, and I have found that we judge the harshest, that which we have the most self doubt. For example, if I doubt myself as a mother, I will judge other parents more harshly.
Judging others doesn't help them in any way, it certainly does not approach others from a place of love and compassion. What we do get, is the feeling that we are "at least doing better than " others. It is not right, we know it, but yet we do it. Instead of judging others, we need to look into ourselves. When we are feeling judgmental, perhaps we should take pause and look at our own self doubts. Instead of judging others, we need to push ourselves to do better in our lives.
We need to start taking personal responsibility. It is not the job of the rest of the world to make us feel better. It is up to us to make ourselves feel better. If you doubt your abilities as a spouse, then take time to talk to your spouse and figure out how to do better. If you judge others parenting, look at your own and find a way to improve your parenting skills. We can begin to use the judgmental thoughts we all have for good-as motivation to keep improving.
Sometimes, we judge because we truly see injustice and is upsets us. Things like abuse, trafficking, war and hatred demand our righteous judgement. The Bible calls us to judge things, but to still love others. What does that mean? It means if we judge something righteously, then we are called to take action. Sure all these things offend each of us, but when we find that we are judging something even more than others, we need to stop and listen to our hearts, because it is in those moments that God is calling us to do our best works.
If we judge others for walking past the homeless, then we are being called by God to take action and care for the homeless. Domestic abuse angers most of us, but if you find yourself really judging the abusers and those who stay, then take action for God is touching your heart and asking you to make a difference.
We are all created for a purpose, and I believe that it is in our deepest reactions, our truest, most honest moments that we learn what the purpose is. When we are not safe, when we push ourselves to love more, to do better and to be our best, we become living examples of Gods plan and love for the world.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
"I am Your Mother"
Today, my grown up son and his girlfriend boarded a plane and headed to Miami. He begins a new job Monday, and they are looking for a place to live. His girlfriend will rejoin him in about a month, but will return to Seattle next week. Here's the thing, I worry about him.
Yes, he is 26 years old. Yes, he is highly respected in the scientific community and yes, he is a capable adult. When I tell him that I worry about him starting over in a new city, and I ask if he checked the crime statistics of different neighborhoods, or if he has planned for the cost of shipping his items, he rolls his eyes and provides a polite, yet frustrated answer. I know he is grown up, but here are some things he doesn't understand:
Yes, he is 26 years old. Yes, he is highly respected in the scientific community and yes, he is a capable adult. When I tell him that I worry about him starting over in a new city, and I ask if he checked the crime statistics of different neighborhoods, or if he has planned for the cost of shipping his items, he rolls his eyes and provides a polite, yet frustrated answer. I know he is grown up, but here are some things he doesn't understand:
- I am your mother. I gave birth to you. For nine months I was terribly aware that every decision I made affected you directly. When I ate spicy food, you became angry and let me know that you did not agree (ironic since you love spicy food now). As I was the only one who could protect you then, I feel a special sense of responsibility-that will not go away simply because you have decided that you are grown up.
- I am your mother. I watched you grown, explore the world and find your way. I cleaned many scraped knees, told you that you were fine, kissed more boo-boos than I can count. I have seen friends and family frustrate you (me included), I have watched you make friends and lose them. I was there when you succeeded and when you failed and I cheered you on every step of the way. When you succeeded, my heart soared with pride, when you failed, it hurt for you. When you were struggling to find your way, I was there to walk you through and guide you to many decisions who made you who you are. I also knew when to step back and let you make decisions that I did not agree with, to help you learn.
- I am your mother. Remember all those nights you were out dating? I stayed awake and prayed that you remembered to treat those girls with respect and kindness. I watched you fall in love, and get your heart broken. I was there when you realized that the first girl you fell in love with, was not the only girl. I watched you go off to college and develop a strong sense of who you are and what you have to bring to a relationship. I watched you get married, and was there when your world crashed in around you. I cried for you every night as you struggled, and I rejoiced when your heart began to heal and you realized that you could-and would-love again.
- I am your mother. I know you better than you think. I am proud of you, I watched you grow up into a fine young man. I pray for you every night, that you will continue to know success, that you will continue your walk in Gods ways, and that you will be happy. I pray for your safety, for you to know that you are loved more than you will ever know, and that you will one day have a child of your own, so that you will realize the great love a parent has for a child.
- I AM YOUR MOTHER! That means, no matter how smart you are, how old you are or how incredibly successful you are I will always worry about you. You are a piece of me. My heart feels your pride, your fear and your apprehension. When you dream, I dream for you. I would give my life for you to have every blessing and to know no pain or disappointment. But I also know that the world is the world. It is not your mother. The rest of the world may care for you, but there are plenty of people who will hurt you or take advantage of you to advance themselves. I will rejoice when you succeed and I will hurt when you hurt.
So there it is. As a mother, I will not stop worrying about him. I can see the journey ahead of him, and I am excited for him and for the opportunities that await him. Still, I want this move to be smooth and free of frustration, so I will worry and I will continue to ask the frustrating questions. To him, I have three words of wisdom "Get over it". Some day he will be a parent and maybe then he will understand.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Sometimes a New Perspective is Just what We Need
I have always admired those people who can pack a bag and head off on a vacation alone. The fact that there are some people who can contentedly tour a new city without the security of loved ones always struck me as strong and confident. This week, I entered the ranks of those wonderfully amazing people. I went cross country and took a 5 day vacation alone. It was exhilarating, full of memories and I learned a few things along the way!
To begin with, let me say that I love my family and I love vacationing with them. That being said, it was nice to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. No negotiating, no planning and no doing some crazy stuff that holds no interest for me at all to keep someone else happy. This week was about me. I went to Seattle to see my son (whom I am so proud of) present his Masters thesis-that took a total of 2 hours. The rest of the time I explored the city, spent time with him and his lovely girlfriend, took an adventure and read more books than I thought possible in such a short time.
During my time in Seattle, I learned that when we have a new perspective (i.e. seeing a whole city alone instead of in the comfort of loved ones) we learn things we never knew we didn't know. I learned things about myself, my son, the world and society. Below are some of my newfound insights-for those who are interested.
I am responsible for my life:
Sounds like a "duh" moment, I know, but let me explain. When I have travelled with family, or even with friends, if a weekend or vacation was not fun, there was always a reason that could be deflected off of me. Comments like "I really wanted to spend more time seeing the city center, but D really wanted to go for that long hike" or "It would have been great to spend more time walking around, and doing what the locals do, but everyone else wanted to do the tourist things" are easily said.
These comments mean one thing-the trip could have been better if it wasn't for someone else. That's not what I think when I say them, but the truth is, that is what they mean. When I went to Seattle, there was no one else. My son was presenting his thesis, and he told me on the front end that he would only have a few hours (he is moving to Miami tomorrow for a new job, so he was crazy busy tying up loose ends in Seattle before moving), so if my trip was boring, or a wasted mass of time, it was all on me.
It was not-I was busy and saw a lot, but there was some pressure on me to make the trip my own, to be sure that I relished every single minute of it. If I came back and thought "It would have been nice to have seen this or to have done that" it was on me. What I learned, is that when I put all the responsibility on me, and take away the excuse of someone else, I do things differently. I push harder, I make a point of thinking through decisions and I am more willing to make sacrifices because I feel worth it.
Turns out, I can be very lazy (not a huge surprise to those who know me well). If my family wants pizza for dinner, I tell myself that I'm just being a better wife/mother by giving them what they want, and that if I could choose the dinner it would be healthier (it probably wouldn't be much healthier). If my husband doesn't want to go to the gym or take a long walk with me, I don't go rationalizing that I need to spend time with him. In Seattle, those excuses were gone and I made healthy food choices, I exercised and I took control-losing 4pounds in the process.
I learned that I can love my husband with all my heart, but it is my responsibility to take care of myself. It is not his job to be sure that I make good choices. It is not anybody else's responsibility to make sure I feel good about my life. My life is just that-MY LIFE! It is up to me to see what I want, do what I desire and make the absolute most of every moment. If I waste it, then it is my fault and nobody else's (I am sure this will not be the last post on this topic).
Our children grow up
Again, I am not a dullard who thought that my son would stay that adoring three year old forever-nor would I want him to. One of the best things in my life has been watching him grow up and mature into an adult. When he was at home, it was exciting for me to see him enter pre-adolescence and develop his own ideas about the world and society.
That said, once he left for college, he always seemed like the 18 year old we dropped off in Madison. Sure he matured a bit, but I always saw him as that 18 year old boy with no fear and minimal common sense to guide him (can anyone say bad decisions?). When he presented his thesis, I saw him as a professional. He had department heads come and industry professionals come to take notes on his research. For the first time, I saw him as an adult and professional man. Talk about a head shaker!
When did he go from the crazy kid that I had to tell not to take flaming shot just because his friends find it funny to this knowledgeable and respected professional in his field? How did I not see it?
The truth is our children grow up-and they don't always tell us that they are doing it. Lesson to all parents, pay attention and relish every minute-one day you will look at your darling son/daughter who cannot even tie their own shoes, and they will be an adult with a family of their own, a professional career and looking to finance their retirement (yikes!) and you will realize the life passes in a blink.
Everybody has a story-most we will never know
One of the things I had the privilege of doing was talking with several people. I met a gentleman at the hotel I stayed at that went to school for political science, against his parents wishes, and found that he really did not enjoy the work in life, so he works at a front desk in a hotel. He likes the people he meets, but truthfully, he wishes he has followed his passion to do something outdoors like be a fishing guide.
I met a young man who was born in Wisconsin, attended UW-Madison then moved to Seattle and opened an Eco-tourism business, following his dreams. He was happy and loved every minute of life and told me that he cannot believe he gets to do what he loves for a job. He also told me that he misses the people of Wisconsin and loves coming home.
I met a woman who was traveling with her husband, though they did not agree on how to spend their time. We met on a whale watching trip, he wanted to come for the picture opportunities, she did not (she had a lot of fun and was glad that she went).
I had the honor of speaking with a mother and daughter who were taking a vacation together after not spending time together for a few years, just due to life. They had a great time and the way they interacted was good for a mother to see. The love between mother and daughter was strong, it reminded me of the fact that even though we grow up (see point above) we never really stop being our parents children.
The thing that struck me was that every single person we see, has a story. We are quick to judge others based on what we see, but every person has a story. That lady crying silently on the plane as it takes off, may have just said good bye to her only son and was feeling overwhelmed with sadness of not seeing him for a long time and pride over the fine man he has grown into. That homeless man on the street, may have been very successful at one time, and a tragedy took it all away. Even the business man walking hurriedly to get to work-he may be rushing to be on time for an important presentation that holds to potential to change his career.
The point is, we don't know. I am fascinated by people stories. I always have been. I think thats why I love social work. I hear peoples stories all day, and I love it.
Life is bigger than me
One of my adventures was a whale watching trip, it was amazing. To see the creatures, who are social, compassionate beings was awe inspiring. We saw Orcas, sea lions and seals. We went through tidal currents and past mountains. What jumped out to me was that our creator created more than just me!
Life is about taking care of all the gifts of this world: the environment, the animals, others. There are wars in Israel and the middle east, there is poverty in nearly every country, abuse of others, cruelty to animals, and plenty of damage to the environment. Why a whale watching tour made me more aware of social issues is beyond me, but it did. Maybe because I had the great fortune to see two pods of whales greet each other and heard the naturalist tell the passengers that whales are compassionate and social animals who frequently greet friends in other pods and show concern if a pod member has not arrived. Maybe because even though these great big creatures have to work for everything, they still find time to care for each other, to play and to have fun!
I'm not sure, but that trip did make me realize what we all say-life is bigger than me. The truth is, although I have said it in the past, my prayers were centered on my life. I seldom prayed for those in war torn countries, those whom I don't know who are alone, afraid or taking on a challenge. I have started to add complete strangers to my prayers. I continue to pray for my family and friends, but now I take time to pray for those who are in need, even if I don't know them. I am a tiny little cog in the big plans of a big God. My focus is clearer, and I am so grateful!
In the next few days, I will write more about my trip to Seattle-truly a trip of a lifetime!
To begin with, let me say that I love my family and I love vacationing with them. That being said, it was nice to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. No negotiating, no planning and no doing some crazy stuff that holds no interest for me at all to keep someone else happy. This week was about me. I went to Seattle to see my son (whom I am so proud of) present his Masters thesis-that took a total of 2 hours. The rest of the time I explored the city, spent time with him and his lovely girlfriend, took an adventure and read more books than I thought possible in such a short time.
During my time in Seattle, I learned that when we have a new perspective (i.e. seeing a whole city alone instead of in the comfort of loved ones) we learn things we never knew we didn't know. I learned things about myself, my son, the world and society. Below are some of my newfound insights-for those who are interested.
I am responsible for my life:
Sounds like a "duh" moment, I know, but let me explain. When I have travelled with family, or even with friends, if a weekend or vacation was not fun, there was always a reason that could be deflected off of me. Comments like "I really wanted to spend more time seeing the city center, but D really wanted to go for that long hike" or "It would have been great to spend more time walking around, and doing what the locals do, but everyone else wanted to do the tourist things" are easily said.
These comments mean one thing-the trip could have been better if it wasn't for someone else. That's not what I think when I say them, but the truth is, that is what they mean. When I went to Seattle, there was no one else. My son was presenting his thesis, and he told me on the front end that he would only have a few hours (he is moving to Miami tomorrow for a new job, so he was crazy busy tying up loose ends in Seattle before moving), so if my trip was boring, or a wasted mass of time, it was all on me.
It was not-I was busy and saw a lot, but there was some pressure on me to make the trip my own, to be sure that I relished every single minute of it. If I came back and thought "It would have been nice to have seen this or to have done that" it was on me. What I learned, is that when I put all the responsibility on me, and take away the excuse of someone else, I do things differently. I push harder, I make a point of thinking through decisions and I am more willing to make sacrifices because I feel worth it.
Turns out, I can be very lazy (not a huge surprise to those who know me well). If my family wants pizza for dinner, I tell myself that I'm just being a better wife/mother by giving them what they want, and that if I could choose the dinner it would be healthier (it probably wouldn't be much healthier). If my husband doesn't want to go to the gym or take a long walk with me, I don't go rationalizing that I need to spend time with him. In Seattle, those excuses were gone and I made healthy food choices, I exercised and I took control-losing 4pounds in the process.
I learned that I can love my husband with all my heart, but it is my responsibility to take care of myself. It is not his job to be sure that I make good choices. It is not anybody else's responsibility to make sure I feel good about my life. My life is just that-MY LIFE! It is up to me to see what I want, do what I desire and make the absolute most of every moment. If I waste it, then it is my fault and nobody else's (I am sure this will not be the last post on this topic).
Our children grow up
Again, I am not a dullard who thought that my son would stay that adoring three year old forever-nor would I want him to. One of the best things in my life has been watching him grow up and mature into an adult. When he was at home, it was exciting for me to see him enter pre-adolescence and develop his own ideas about the world and society.
That said, once he left for college, he always seemed like the 18 year old we dropped off in Madison. Sure he matured a bit, but I always saw him as that 18 year old boy with no fear and minimal common sense to guide him (can anyone say bad decisions?). When he presented his thesis, I saw him as a professional. He had department heads come and industry professionals come to take notes on his research. For the first time, I saw him as an adult and professional man. Talk about a head shaker!
When did he go from the crazy kid that I had to tell not to take flaming shot just because his friends find it funny to this knowledgeable and respected professional in his field? How did I not see it?
The truth is our children grow up-and they don't always tell us that they are doing it. Lesson to all parents, pay attention and relish every minute-one day you will look at your darling son/daughter who cannot even tie their own shoes, and they will be an adult with a family of their own, a professional career and looking to finance their retirement (yikes!) and you will realize the life passes in a blink.
Everybody has a story-most we will never know
One of the things I had the privilege of doing was talking with several people. I met a gentleman at the hotel I stayed at that went to school for political science, against his parents wishes, and found that he really did not enjoy the work in life, so he works at a front desk in a hotel. He likes the people he meets, but truthfully, he wishes he has followed his passion to do something outdoors like be a fishing guide.
I met a young man who was born in Wisconsin, attended UW-Madison then moved to Seattle and opened an Eco-tourism business, following his dreams. He was happy and loved every minute of life and told me that he cannot believe he gets to do what he loves for a job. He also told me that he misses the people of Wisconsin and loves coming home.
I met a woman who was traveling with her husband, though they did not agree on how to spend their time. We met on a whale watching trip, he wanted to come for the picture opportunities, she did not (she had a lot of fun and was glad that she went).
I had the honor of speaking with a mother and daughter who were taking a vacation together after not spending time together for a few years, just due to life. They had a great time and the way they interacted was good for a mother to see. The love between mother and daughter was strong, it reminded me of the fact that even though we grow up (see point above) we never really stop being our parents children.
The thing that struck me was that every single person we see, has a story. We are quick to judge others based on what we see, but every person has a story. That lady crying silently on the plane as it takes off, may have just said good bye to her only son and was feeling overwhelmed with sadness of not seeing him for a long time and pride over the fine man he has grown into. That homeless man on the street, may have been very successful at one time, and a tragedy took it all away. Even the business man walking hurriedly to get to work-he may be rushing to be on time for an important presentation that holds to potential to change his career.
The point is, we don't know. I am fascinated by people stories. I always have been. I think thats why I love social work. I hear peoples stories all day, and I love it.
Life is bigger than me
One of my adventures was a whale watching trip, it was amazing. To see the creatures, who are social, compassionate beings was awe inspiring. We saw Orcas, sea lions and seals. We went through tidal currents and past mountains. What jumped out to me was that our creator created more than just me!
Life is about taking care of all the gifts of this world: the environment, the animals, others. There are wars in Israel and the middle east, there is poverty in nearly every country, abuse of others, cruelty to animals, and plenty of damage to the environment. Why a whale watching tour made me more aware of social issues is beyond me, but it did. Maybe because I had the great fortune to see two pods of whales greet each other and heard the naturalist tell the passengers that whales are compassionate and social animals who frequently greet friends in other pods and show concern if a pod member has not arrived. Maybe because even though these great big creatures have to work for everything, they still find time to care for each other, to play and to have fun!
I'm not sure, but that trip did make me realize what we all say-life is bigger than me. The truth is, although I have said it in the past, my prayers were centered on my life. I seldom prayed for those in war torn countries, those whom I don't know who are alone, afraid or taking on a challenge. I have started to add complete strangers to my prayers. I continue to pray for my family and friends, but now I take time to pray for those who are in need, even if I don't know them. I am a tiny little cog in the big plans of a big God. My focus is clearer, and I am so grateful!
In the next few days, I will write more about my trip to Seattle-truly a trip of a lifetime!
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