It's funny to me, how sometimes I am faced with several people I love all having the same "issue" at the same time. It seems to me, when this happens, it is a clue from God that I should look deep inside and see what I can learn from the lesson being brought before me over and over (it would also appear, that I can be a very slow learner, thus the need to have the same issue brought before me over and over).
Recently, I have been talking to a few friends and loved ones about marriage. It is hard-perhaps harder than it should be. After all, two completely independent people with their own ideas, upbringing, beliefs and baggage should be able to meld seamlessly together if God intended them to be together-right? WRONG!
The thing is, God doesn't work like that. He doesn't say that things are easy if they are right-in fact, oftentimes, it is the opposite. Doing what is right and godly, can be difficult, lonely and fraught with frustration. Marriage is like that. It's hard, it's work and it's possibly one of the most challenging relationships we enter into.
The truth is, marriage is two people coming together.
Did you get that? It is two individual people! We all have our pasts and upbringings, which shape who we are. Experiences, education, familial relationships, thoughts, personalities and choices in friends, colleagues, etc, all come together to shape who we are as individuals. It's why the human race is so full of diversity and beauty. It's why two siblings can perceive their same childhood in completely different ways and that in turn shapes who they are. Some of us are motivated by hardship and rise up when faced with adversity, but wither in consistency and times of peace. Others of us shrivel up and crumble under pressure, but thrive in the rhythm of a steady life.
Part of Gods greatest plan is that, oftentimes, people with opposite traits are attracted to each other. For example, I love to be social, I crave the approval (though I hate this about myself, it is true) of others and seek to be liked and accepted by others. I love to be surrounded by many people and feel most at home in large crowds. My husband could not be more different. He loves solitude and being in his own mind. He is a thinker. Large crowds make him uncomfortable, but taking a long hike alone in the woods, or sitting alone in a canoe on a lake is his ideal day. This can cause strife between us. many times, he would prefer to stay home, when I want to go out. He would prefer camping vacations, while I most desire trips to big cities.
When we bring two separate lives together, many compromises need to be made. Initially, marriage is hard because we are learning how to find the middle ground and what is worth compromising on and what is too important to give up. However, as the years pass, the real difficulty sets in. We become comfortable, we settle into our lives and routines. The schedules of work and family take over and we lose sight of what a precious gift our spouses are. We may begin to feel taken advantage of, or overlooked and forgotten.
We try not to say anything, because we don't want to be seen as whining, or complaining. That is not the answer. When one spouse feels uncared for, usually it is because there is a basic need that is not being met. How can the other spouse fulfill this need if the two adults don't discuss it?
I am guilty of that sometimes. My husband struggles to make me feel loved. I know he loves me, he can be very loving, but still I don't feel loved. I used to think that was because he didn't care enough to learn what was important to me. I now know, that many times, I don't know what I need. I sometimes struggle with needing to be strong and worry that when I can't be strong, I will no longer warrant his love. In those days, I need to know it's ok to be vulnerable. Sometimes, I need to know he is proud of me, or that he thinks I am wonderful and amazing.
Marriage is hard because we are individuals who are trying to become one. People will tell you, if you put your faith in God everything will be fine-and they are right. That being said, everything being fine, does not mean it will be easy and without bumps. I once heard a friend say that marriage is like a roller coaster. You go up and down, you get thrown from side to side, flipped upside down and spun around at high speeds. Sometimes you can see whats ahead, many times you do not. However, if the marriage is strong, you finish it together, and when your feet are safely back on solid ground, you are so glad you did it! The twists and turns and high speed shenanigans made the ride memorable, exciting and maybe taught you a bit about yourself.
Marriage is hard, but the benefits are so worth the effort! To be able to come home to one person who understands you, who gets you and who loves you even when you don't deserve it, that is the epitome of Gods love. We get a glimpse of His love for us, when we enter into a marriage and do what it takes to make it survive.
