When I was first married, I had these grand ideas of what marriage would be like. I had visions of romance filled nights, quiet mornings with coffee and breakfast in bed, and a life of passion. It did not take long for the truth to set in.
Busy work life, a child and finance problems coupled with differences in how each of us saw the world, and dealt with problems, quickly led to more fights than romance. The tension was not what I had dreamed of, and to be honest, I often wondered if we made the right decision. I mean, how in love could we be if we are always angry with one another?
I have spent the past twenty years looking for romance and love. I have tried to change how I look, how I react, and how I think to be the "perfect wife" so that my husband would love me as I wanted and needed to be loved. I held on to my old dreams of what love was, but was it realistic?
Through the years, I have told my husband over and over that I did not feel loved, and he has told me over and over that he loves me very much. This disconnect, left me feeling like maybe we never really knew each other. Still, our life together was great.
True, we did not have great passion, or the romance of dreams; but we did have a beautiful home, a wonderful son and we did enjoy spending time together. We had a content family life, and eventually I learned to live with it, all the while holding on to past visions of what "true marriage" was.
Recently, I began to think about this. I wondered what true love looked like and whether my expectations were realistic. I took an honest look at what I wanted and why, and what was reasonable to expect from my beloved husband. What I learned was a shock to me.
I learned that the old adage "love is a verb" is very true. Romans 12:9-12 states "Love must be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Show family affection to one another with brotherly love. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer." That is the definition of love to me.
Two people being honorable, trying to do better for each other, feeling affectionate towards one another-that is the perfect image of marriage for me. Two people who have decided to spend their lives together, becoming one, and merging their beings together. I soon realized that I was unrealistic. Passionate romance that we see in movies and on TV, is not real life.
Real life if full of busy weeknights, messy homes, crazy busy schedules, work stress, health problems, emotional breakdowns, heartbreak, and laughter. To have someone who is there for me when I fall, who thinks I am amazing, especially when I can't see it, and who will lift me up when I need it, is an amazing feeling. When I had visions of romance, it was because I wanted to be the center of someones world, and that is what the media shows us about this. But thats the media, they sell dreams and ask us to believe the unbelievable.
My husband prays for my well being, and that of our son. He is concerned when I am not feeling well, and can tell when I feel insecure (even when no one else can). He knows what makes me feel beautiful and what hurts me the most. He knows my heart, and he tries his best to care for it. When I am successful, he is not jealous, he is truly happy for me. He celebrates my successes.
This was made evident to me recently, when I was completely stressed about taking care of the house, and dogs while returning to a stressful job. I am almost obsessive about having my house clean to my standards, which others tell me is unrealistic (I'm seeing a trend with my expectations here). A while back, we even had a professional housekeeper come in weekly, and I was not pleased with the teams work. I found little things that they missed and it drove me crazy.
Anyway, my husband was aware of this. Of course, it wasn't too hard to figure out since I developed a chores list and schedule for each of us to keep the house up. On our first Saturday home, he jumped right in! He hates cleaning, and truthfully, he doesn't understand why it's so important to me, but it did not matter that morning. He swept, he tidied up, he even mopped. It lessened my stress level and made me think that everything will be ok.
Then it hit me- maybe this was love. To be willing to do what you don't want, simply to make the other person feel better, to put them at ease and let them know you understand. I still want romance, but I think I have come to the realization that sometimes it is enough to have someone who looks out for me, who will sweep and mop to put my soul at rest and who will do dishes when I simply cannot look at another sink full of water, but need to get the dishes done.
It feels good to be revamping my expectations. I still struggle; primarily because I want the best of everything, but that is my struggle. I still get hurt feelings, when my husband doesn't say what I want to hear, but it's ok. He loves me in his way, by doing.
