A Look at Romans 1:1-17

I love to read the Bible and really dig into the word, to really ponder it, think about it and learn it.  I believe that is the only way to really place it in your heart.  Today, I began my study of Romans.  I was immediately taken with the first verse, Paul calls himself a servant of Christ (NIV).  At first, my thought was that showed his dedication to Christ, for servants choose to serve their masters.  Then I did some research, and learned that the original word Paul used, when he wrote Romans, was doulos, which is a greek word that should be translated as slave, not servant.

That one realization changed how I interpreted that verse!  Paul is saying, not that he chose to serve Christ, but that he was compelled by the Holy Spirit to serve Christ.  Slaves do not have freedom, the are owned-Paul is owned by Christ.  To me, that is a beautiful reference, that shows how completely God and Jesus take our hearts, if we get out of our own way!  Paul also notes that he was called to be an apostle of the gospel.  Did you get that?  He was called, again, he is not giving himself credit or patting himself on the back.  Seems like a small thing at first, but is it?

Lets take a moment and think about how we often refer to ourselves.  We say that we are followers of Christ or that we serve Christ.  How often do we put the emphasis on what God is doing or has done instead of what we are doing?   I think it shows Pauls heart-his God first, then himself.  He recognizes that it was Christ who set him apart and that he is completely covered by Christs love.  He cannot walk away, even if he wanted to (and why would he want to?) because Christ owns him.  I love that!

I also love the encouragement that Paul gives to the Roman church in the first chapter.  He tells them that they are in his prayers "at all times".  He says that he longs to see them so that they can be "mutually encouraged by each others faith".  Imagine that, Paul, one of the greatest apostles needed to be encouraged in his faith too!  That gives me hope and comforts me more than I realized.

This is why it is so important to have Christian friends, not onlyChristian friends, but it is important that we do have friends who share our faith.  Other Christians encourage us, lift us up and hold us accountable.  It is far to easy to justify poor behavior or poor decisions if we are caught up in this world.  The world says that it is ok to bend moral law if your intentions are good, if you really want it, or if it benefits you.  Moral law does not bend, other Christians can help remind you of this.  Other Christians know the heartbreak of wanting to be better than we are, and falling short daily.

I love that Paul goes on to boldly say, "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes; first for the Jew, then for the gentile" (Rom 1:16, NIV).  I long to have that bold, outspoken and confident faith.  To be able to proclaim the truth from the mountaintops without faltering.  I believe in the gospel, however, I find that often times, I ponder it quietly in my heart, I am slow to verbalize Gods power in my life-although I am getting better.

 I find that I am worried how others will perceive me.  It is easier to be bold when I am with other believers, but how often do I speak of Gods great love and His impact in my life when I am speaking with a non believer who may mock me or belittle my view?  Not as often as I would like.  I find that the book of Romans is a great place to delve into and really find the strength needed to proclaim the truth.  Paul states it so eloquently in verse 16, doesn't he?  The gospel is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. That's all we have to do, believe.  No works are required, no actions, just faith-and we are all saved.

I love that.

Ash Wednesday

Today is the start of the Lenten season.  I am not sure why, but this year I am finding myself filled with trepidation as I make a commitment to sacrifice in my life for the next 40 days.  Maybe because in the past, I didn't take this seriously, maybe I never really understood the reason for the sacrifice, or maybe I have been selfish and immature.  Whatever the reason, this year I wanted to be sure that whatever changes I committed to were meaningful and difficult.

I thought for days about it.  I prayed about it, I even asked friends for ideas (nothing really original was offered), I went to websites, and I fretted.  Finally, I went to bed last night, and asked God to guide me. This morning, I decided to ADD regular working out and GIVE UP processed foods-and here's why.

Regular Workouts- a discipline I have lost:
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I have stopped working out.  I used to hit the gym regularly, I worked with a trainer and I pushed myself hard.  I took pride in the changes my body experienced.  I loved watching muscles replace fat.

Then life got in the way.  Health problems, marriage, work all took precedent.  I stopped going to the gym, saying that I could work out at home.  It was not long before that went away as well.  Now, I don't work out at all.  I wake up, go through my day, then sit on my ever expanding rump and complain about how tired and worn out I am.

Working out regularly requires discipline.  To go to the gym a prescribed number of days each week is hard, it takes commitment  and effort that is intentional.  Discipline is something that many in our society are lacking-in many areas of life (financial, personal responsibility, diet, health, taking care of others, etc).

My goal is to work out 5 days a week.  My husband says to start small, maybe two days a week.  I thought about it, and decided that if it was easy, then it required no sacrifice on my part.  I am an all or nothing kind of girl, so I am all in and doing at least 5 days a week.  When I go to the gym, I will work out hard, pushing myself to new limits and learning to trust God to take me to higher heights!  i will break a sweat, be sore the next day and find out just how far my body can go.

No more processed foods:
When I stopped working out, I also let my diet slide.  I thoroughly enjoy junk food of all sorts!  Chips, ice cream, pizza, anything fried-all these things make me happy.  I know that I do not have a healthy relationship with food.

The truth is, God gave us food to nourish our bodies; to provide the necessary energy for us to do what we are required to do daily.  He never intended for food  to be used to manage our emotions.  God created potatoes, not potato chips for a reason.  When we eat natural foods, we nourish our bodies, when we eat human created "Frankenfoods", we nourish our emotional moments.

Think about this, when you are heartbroken and feeling down, does an apple really provide the same comfort as a big bowl of ice cream?  Of course not, but the apple gives us the energy and stamina we need to get through every day.

I have been lazy.  Instead of dealing with the emotions of stress, worry, fear, joy, pride, etc, I have allowed frankenfoods to deal with them.  It's hard for me to feel emotions, I'm not sure why.  I prefer to have the numbness that emotional eating brings, but this is not how God created us.

God gave us emotions to help guide us.  When we do well, work hard, and stay focused, we feel joy, contentment, peace and pride.  When we are off track, lazy, selfish etc, we tend to feel depressed, worried, stressed and lethargic.  If we feel our emotions, and let them guide us, we can and will grow closer to God.

The plan:
So here it is- the moment of truth.  Today, I make a commitment to God and to myself to eat natural, unprocessed foods for the next 40 days.  I will not allow my emotions to dictate what I put into my body.  I will allow Gods created foods to nourish my body as it was meant to.

I will also hit the gym 5 days a week-no matter what!  When I am tired, worn out or stressed, I will remind myself of the gift God has given me in a body that can work out.  I will remember that being lazy is not part of Gods plan in our lives- He asks us to work hard, to sacrifice and to put forth an effort every day.

These two things are going to be extremely challenging for me.  I am not a strong person by nature, I am lazy by nature.  To find success, I will pray, but I will also utilize the support system God has placed in my life.  I have posted my intentions on social media and have asked my loved ones for support.  I will also chronicle my journey here.  I know I may be the only one who reads this, but maybe someone will read it and will offer support.  Maybe someone will read it and find strength or support from my journey.  I trust that God will bring to this blog, those who need to be here.

That's my plan-pray for me, I know I will need it!

When What was Acceptable is No Longer OK

For years, I have had very low self esteem.  I'm not sure why.  Sure, I could blame it on my childhood, or some traumatic event, but let's be honest here-every day we get up and make decisions about how we will think, feel and act.  We get to choose every single day who we are and who we want to be-this is shown by the millions of people who have that proverbial "ah-ha moment" and instantly change their lives.

So, no excuses about my low self esteem.  The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice.  I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.

A perfect example of this, is in my marriage.  Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me.  If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist.  I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.

So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily.  I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short.  I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing.  Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first.  I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.

For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage.  The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself.  I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me.  This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it.  I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).

Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever.  He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry).  We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.

When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles.  I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching.  I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone.  I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see.  I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that.  I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.

See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him.  I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad.  I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better.  That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage.  I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.

I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend.  I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt.  He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay.  He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings.  He said something to me that changed my life forever.  We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate.  If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it.  Until then, you can't really be mad".

I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right.  I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks.  In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me.  I began to focus on what i did right in my life.  I was, and am, a good mother.  I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart.  I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.

Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need.  We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of.  Today, we are still a work in progress.  I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more.  This drives me crazy.

If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things.  That is the effort he makes.  What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.

He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate.  However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness.  I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.

I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage.  I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too.  I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker.  He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.

My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all.  I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all.  I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be.  He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant.  I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will  find peace on this issue.

In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.

True Love-What are Realistic Expectation?

When I was first married, I had these grand ideas of what marriage would be like.  I had visions of romance filled nights, quiet mornings with coffee and breakfast in bed, and a life of passion.  It did not take long for the truth to set in.

Busy work life, a child and finance problems coupled with differences in how each of us saw the world, and dealt with problems, quickly led to more fights than romance.  The tension was not what I had dreamed of, and to be honest, I often wondered if we made the right decision.  I mean, how in love could we be if we are always angry with one another?

I have spent the past twenty years looking for romance and love.  I have tried to change how I look, how I react, and how I think to be the "perfect wife" so that my husband would love me as I wanted and needed to be loved.  I held on to my old dreams of what love was, but was it realistic?

Through the years, I have told my husband over and over that I did not feel loved, and he has told me over and over that he loves me very much.  This disconnect, left me feeling like maybe we never really knew each other.  Still, our life together was great.

True, we did not have great passion, or the romance of dreams; but we did have a beautiful home, a wonderful son and we did enjoy spending time together.  We had a content family life, and eventually I learned to live with it, all the while holding on to past visions of what "true marriage" was.

Recently, I began to think about this.  I wondered what true love looked like and whether my expectations were realistic. I took an honest look at what I wanted and why, and what was reasonable to expect from my beloved husband.  What I learned was a shock to me.

I learned that the old adage "love is a verb" is very true.  Romans 12:9-12 states "Love must be without hypocrisy.  Detest evil; cling to what is good.  Show family affection to one another with brotherly love.  Outdo one another in showing honor.  Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer."  That is the definition of love to me.

Two people being honorable, trying to do better for each other, feeling affectionate towards one another-that is the perfect image of marriage for me.  Two people who have decided to spend their lives together, becoming one, and merging their beings together.  I soon realized that I was unrealistic.  Passionate romance that we see in movies and on TV, is not real life.

Real life if full of busy weeknights, messy homes, crazy busy schedules, work stress, health problems, emotional breakdowns, heartbreak, and laughter.  To have someone who is there for me when I fall, who thinks I am amazing, especially when I can't see it, and who will lift me up when I need it, is an amazing feeling.  When I had visions of romance, it was because I wanted to be the center of someones world, and that is what the media shows us about this.  But thats the media, they sell dreams and ask us to believe the unbelievable.

My husband prays for my well being, and that of our son.  He is concerned when I am not feeling well, and can tell when I feel insecure (even when no one else can).  He knows what makes me feel beautiful and what hurts me the most.  He knows my heart, and he tries his best to care for it.  When I am successful, he is not jealous, he is truly happy for me.  He celebrates my successes.

This was made evident to me recently, when I was completely stressed about taking care of the house, and dogs while returning to a stressful job.  I am almost obsessive about having my house clean to my standards, which others tell me is unrealistic (I'm seeing a trend with my expectations here).  A while back, we even had a professional housekeeper come in weekly, and I was not pleased with the teams work.  I found little things that they missed and it drove me crazy.

Anyway, my husband was aware of this.  Of course, it wasn't too hard to figure out since I developed a chores list and schedule for each of us to keep the house up.  On our first Saturday home, he jumped right in!  He hates cleaning, and truthfully, he doesn't understand why it's so important to me, but it did not matter that morning.  He swept, he tidied up, he even mopped.  It lessened my stress level and made me think that everything will be ok.

Then it hit me- maybe this was love.  To be willing to do what you don't want, simply to make the other person feel better, to put them at ease and let them know you understand.  I still want romance, but I think I have come to the realization that sometimes it is enough to have someone who looks out for me, who will sweep and mop to put my soul at rest and who will do dishes when I simply cannot look at another sink full of water, but need to get the dishes done.

It feels good to be revamping my expectations.  I still struggle; primarily because I want the best of everything, but that is my struggle.  I still get hurt feelings, when my husband doesn't say what I want to hear, but it's ok.  He loves me in his way, by doing.

What is Faith and How Can We Achieve it?

What is faith?  This is a question that many new believers or non believers ask, and it is one that many life long Christians struggle with.  Entire books have been written on this subject alone, enough to fill whole libraries, but in the end they all boil it down to one simple thought.  Spiritual faith is the complete trust and confidence we hold that allows us to believe in God.  That is a loaded statement, I know, but allow me to expand a bit.

When I was a child, I asked a lot of provocative questions of the priests and nuns at my Catholic grade school (much to the dismay of my parents).  I once had a conversation with a priest, whom I very much admired, about faith.  He told me that you just have to believe, without proof, or you do not have faith.  When I questioned how one could believe without proof or explanation, he stated that some struggle with this and that we call those people "doubting Thomas' after the disciple who needed to see Christ before believing he had risen from the dead.

Well, as much as I loved and adored Father Murphy, I think he was wrong on this point and missed a great opportunity.  I spent most of my childhood and adult life feeling like I didn't measure up as a Christian, because I sought Christ in everyday life, I didn't have a blind faith.  Now, after much prayer, research and thought, I have decided that we all seek Christ for evidence that he is here and hears us.  We see the sun rise, and think of him.  We call out to him when we are in distress, and seek to feel comforted.  We look in our children's eyes and see him in all their hopes and dreams.

The reality is that God aces himself present to us every single day, so that if we seek him, we will find him (Matthew 7:7 states; "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened").  Every Christian has a season where they struggle to see Christ, to feel him, and they often go in search of him.  It is not enough to say to these people, "Just believe, if you are a true Christian", this is both hurtful and not very helpful.  It is akin to telling a blind person "just see, if you truly have eyes" it's silly and does nothing to help the situation.  What we need to do is show each other how to have faith.

When I look at my life, I am often taken aback by how blessed I am.  The truth is, that after years of hardships and struggles, I have learned that even the trials and tests in my life are blessings.  This is not because I read a Bible verse that taught me that (James 1:1-13), but rather because I have read that Bible verse and have seen it played out in my life and the lives of my loved ones.  As an example, I had my son as a teenager.  I was not a strong Christian and struggled greatly with my faith as a teenager, therefore I made poor choices that made me a mother at 17.

Being pregnant as a teenager, 25 years ago, was not easy.  People called me names, family was embarrassed and society as a whole assumed that I would amount to nothing more than a typical welfare mother.  However, once I became pregnant, I also became focused on my future and that of my sons.  My now husband (his daddy), also became very focused on his future.  We worked together to go to college, graduate and make something of ourselves.  It was in the consequences of our choice, and the trials of being teen parents that we learned what it meant to look to the future.

When my son was born, I knew that nothing would ever prevent me from succeeding simply because he deserved the best.  Suddenly, I was transformed from a wild teenage girl, who partied and started fights, hung out with the wrong crowd and skipped school, to an A student, whose primary focus was the new family taking shape and protecting the innocent child she gave birth to. It became clear that my choices needed to be better to give my son the best possible life.  It became clear to me that God used my choices and the consequences of that choice, and used it for good.  He changed the course of my life and I knew it.

It's not just big events either-when I am really upset and feel alone, I go to my favorite spot and pray.  My favorite spot is a park along Lake Michigan in Milwaukee.  I used to go there with my parents all the time, and looking at the lake, reminds me of the greatness of God.  See?  We seek him and can find him in everyday details.  Who among us has not had their breath stolen by the perfect sunset?  Who has not seen the hand of God in a severe storm?  Who has not felt his comfort when they were at their lowest and their soul cried out to loud to God, it was unbelievable?

We have complete trust in God and confidence in him when we go through trials, in part because we have experienced his grace and goodness in our lives.  We are like a small child, whose parents can say to them "Don't touch that, it's hot and you will get hurt".  Too often, children will touch the hot item and get burned before they believe the parent, but in the future, when that parent warns that child that an item is hot, the child does not touch it-they have confidence in the warning of the parent.  We are the same-we often need to experience the consequences of poor decisions, or see God at work before we can truly believe and have faith.

My childhood priest would disagree with me, but even scripture uses examples of Gods greatness to make us see him.  In James 1:1-13,  James speaks of believing without doubting, which is important, but he also states in verse 11 "For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plan; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed.  In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business".  He uses an example that everyone can relate to, to explain the lesson.

We can feel Gods love, in part because we know what love feels like once we are loved by another (parents, friends, spouse, etc).  We know his greatness when we see natural wonders that remind us how small and insignificant we are.

Faith is the complete trust in God.  It is the complete confidence in him.  Should we have blind faith, without ever needed to be reassured and given evidence? Absolutely we should.  However, we are human and as such, we are sinful and far from perfect.  We do sometimes need reassurance and reminders.  God knows that because he knows our hearts.  It is because he knows us so intimately and cares for us so deeply that he gives us people and miracles we need to feel him.  Even parents who love their children so deeply, it sometimes hurts, give their children hugs, kisses, trinkets, and words of praise and reassurance.  Why wouldn't God, who loves us perfectly and more than we can ever imagine, why wouldn't he do the same for us?

It is by seeking God daily, by recognizing him every day in our lives, and by being in his word daily that we develop faith.  When we pray to him regularly and see him answer our prayers, no matter what the answer is, we strengthen our faith.  When we struggle, it is important to reach out to others in our lives and listen to them.  In the same fashion, we must reach out to those we see struggling and offer them reassurance and reminders of Gods presence in our lives.  Sometimes it's a verse from the Bible, but just as often it is simply reminiscing with them about a time when they felt Gods presence strongly, or the wonders of nature and creation.

So, I apologize to Father Murphy, but I think he was wrong.  I think our faith is something we experience. It will either strengthen or weaken based on what we do.  It must be nurtured as it is fluid and can change dramatically as we go through different phases of life.

Complete Self Acceptance-Possibly the Hardest Change of All

With the New year upon us, it is very clear that one thing most of us struggle with is self acceptance.  How many times have you heard, or even uttered the following:

• "I wish I was taller (or shorter)"
• "If I could just lose the extra weight, I would love my body"
• "If only I was better at _____________, then my life would be great"
• "I wish I had ______________'s hair (or body, house, job, clothes, money, etc)"
• "I hate myself and the way I look (or feel, talk, move, etc)"

These statements make me sad when I hear them, even though I often utter them myself.  The truth is that God created each one of us to be individuals, and that He created us with everything we need to be perfect in His eyes-but it is up to us to recognize that and make the most of our talents and blessings.

Psalm 139:13 states "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb".  I love that verse and have for years, perhaps because I love knitting so much.  When I knit a project, I plan it out, I spend hours searching for the exact right pattern, I carefully select the colors, the right needles, and even adjust the pattern as needed for the person I intend to give it to.  I put a lot of thought into it before I ever begin one stitch.  As I knit it, I feel a closeness to the person I created it for.  I think of them as I knit, and hope that they will feel all the love I have put into the piece.  In the end, I am proud of the work I did and present it to them.  I know all of the flaws of the piece, both the ones I have corrected and the ones I was not able to correct, but I love it just the same.  A piece of my heart goes with every single project I make for others.  I envision that is how God feels when he creates us.  

He knows every flaw in us, yet he loves us all the more.  He carefully selects our hair color, our tendency to be a certain weight, our compassion level, our intelligence, our level of empathy, our ability to make money or our ability to make others feel loved.  He selects the right combination of talents and trials to make us our best.  Every person alive, has a piece of Gods heart in them.  I imagine that it breaks his heart when we speak, or think, negatively about his creations that he has worked so lovingly on.

I have come to believe that God has infused each of us with our own special blend of trials, blessings and inherent desires.  Some of us want desperately to feel loved and cared for, others want (just as desperately) to be in solitude.  Some find peace in being surrounded by others, it invigorates them and energizes them, others find energy and solace in being alone.  Some love to read, eat or run, others love to think, contemplate or meditate.  Who among us can say that our way is better?  None of us, all we can say is that our way is best for us.  Romans 14:3-5 illustrates this point beautifully "The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them.  Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall.  And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.  One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike.  Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind".

We have all heard not to judge others, but we need to not judge ourselves so harshly either.  It is true that it is important to be honest with ourselves and know when we are doing wrong, and take steps to correct it.  However, to judge your self worth because you cannot gain or lose weight as easily as the next person, or because of your eye color, body type or even intelligence is not okay.  It's saying to yourself, to others and to God that he made a mistake and that you could have done a better job.  He is the perfect creator, who created the mountains, the valleys and every living being-perfectly-he did not make a mistake on you or on me!

We must learn to begin to embrace our flaws, to love ourselves as we were created to be.  This is a change that we all need to make, but it may be the hardest change of all.  Why?  We all want to be the best-the best wife, the best mother, the best employee, the best Christian, the most loved, the most adored, the most popular; each of us seeks to be the best at something.  We know we may not be, but we try, and in that, we are naturally prone to see what may be holding us back.  For example, a woman who wants to be loved deeply and seen as being the best wife, may very well get focused on her appearance, her intelligence, even her tone of voice in an effort to capture her beloveds heart.  She can't change the fact that she will naturally be curvy, her tone of voice or her intelligence; she can chose to pursue activities that will enhance her physical being, she can highlight her intelligence, by staying informed and learning new things, but in then end she cannot change the inherent body shape or intelligence, she certainly cannot change her voice!  Neither should she-she was created by God to be the perfectly wonderful person that she is.

When we seek the approval of others, when we try to control our own futures and destinies, we take our eyes off of God.  We forget that he knit us together and all that entails.  He chose our parents for us, for what they had to offer (both what we perceive as good and bad), it is up to us to embrace them and learn from them.  It is essential that we remember that our primary goal needs to be on accepting ourselves and praising God for making us into the perfect creatures we are.  We must learn to seek his approval over our own, or others.  

When I am able to stay focused on this fact, I find that I am much more accepting of myself, flaws and all.  I see that I am strong because of the troubles I have faced, I am compassionate because of the times I have been mistreated, and I love deeply because I was loved deeply and felt what it meant to change someones life.  I love my body-though it is far from perfect.  The truth is, I am strong, curvy and full of passion.  I lift weights, I run, I climb stairs, I hike.  My body, though it is not perfect, is perfect for me.  It allows me to do things that others cannot do.  When I am good to it, I feel great; and when I stop working out, or am not eating healthy, it responds quickly and loudly to me.  My arthritis will flare up, I get awful headaches, joint pain, stiffness and become lethargic.  I used to hate that, but now I embrace it.  I realize that my body has taught me to persevere, to let go of societal ideas of beauty.  I am beautiful, not because of my size or shape, but because I am loved by God and I was created by him to be exactly who I am.

I still struggle with letting go of seeking others approval; lets be honest, that's a tough one-we all love to hear that others care about us, love us, etc.  That being said, I have learned to accept me as I am, even when others do not.  I am learning every day to seek Gods approval, to judge myself fairly and honestly and perhaps most importantly to love myself for being the best version of me I can be.  I try to remind myself daily that love the was put into creating me and loving God more for the effort.

 I am learning to love myself for the person God created
me to be.

I think if we all understood this concept, it would be easier to be nice to people.  We would love ourselves more, we would be more willing to reach out and praise others-lift them up.  Too many of us, tear others down in an effort to make ourselves feel better.  This must break Gods heart.  We need to spend time telling those we love why we love them, what makes them special, why they are perfectly created.  We must embrace our children and tell them how blessed we are to have them, how incredible they are just as they are!  We need to tell our friends why we love them, what we admire about them, without depreciating ourselves in the process.  We should be dealing with everyone, even strangers, with love and acceptance.  We need to realize that each of us have our own insecurities, our own weaknesses and struggles and our own strengths.  God created us to be relational, to help each other, not to tear each other down.  He has called us to love one another-as John 13:34-35 says "A new command I give you; love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have loved one another.

Ask, Seek, Knock

Have you ever wondered what it means to pray without fear?  This is something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about.  I believe that all to often, we think that prayer needs to be a formal affair, full of rules, processes and procedures.  More often than I care to admit, I think “true Prayer” has to be done when I am alone, with my head bowed, me humbly before God on my knees.  It can only be a “true” prayer if I have spent time in Gods word first; have read it, contemplated it, and quieted my heart, then tried to understand it.  “True” prayer has to be full of gratitude and rewording of scripture, it has to be deeply felt and spiritual in nature.  Anything short of this is not really prayer, it’s not truly honoring God, right?  

That’s how I used to feel, when I was first beginning to ponder what true prayer was- how to converse with God.  There are so many different viewpoints out there.  Certainly, there is a place for the above.  We do honor God when we get on our knees (literally and figuratively), when we study and ponder His word, when we quiet our hearts.  It is good for us to give praise to our God and to fill our hearts with gratitude for the blessings He has given us.  These are all good things, but prayer is more than that.  

Prayer, simply put, is a conversation with God.  Sometimes, it means deep contemplative time with Him; other times, we only have time for quick little requests or  brief moments to give thanks and praise (I call these “arrow prayers” and we will cover these later in the study).  Prayer is speaking to God, then quieting our hearts enough to hear His answers.  Praise is great, so is giving thanks, but what about asking for things?  Is it ok to make requests of God, or do we show a lack of faith in Him and His plans for us when we dare to ask for specific things?

When my son was in middle school, he was on fire for Jesus.  I mean this kids heart and soul burned for Jesus- he studied the Bible, pondered it, knew verses, placed them on his heart.  His love for Jesus was evident to everyone who met him.  I know a lot of parents say that their children are special- and all are- but he was special in a different way.  He was confident, outspoken and not afraid to speak out on his faith- it set him apart from his peers, although he was also humble, so he had many friends.

We had several pastors tell us that they believed he would make an excellent pastor one day.  Dale was focused on God’s word; as I said, he studied it, pondered on it, and often times found ways of looking at scripture that I, and many others around us, did not see.  He had a way of getting those around him excited and would say little “DJ-ism’s” that would stay with the listener for a long time (DJ was is nickname among friends and family).  

Matthew 7:7 is one of those verses.  When he was in the 7th grade, his confirmation class was studying the book of Matthew.  One night, DJ came out of his room, with his Bible in hand, “Mom”, he said, “ I just noticed that God really wants us to ask for what we want”.  

To be honest, these epiphanies were not all that rare, and generally managed to surface while I was preparing dinner, doing the laundry or some other mundane task, so it didn’t catch me too off guard this time.  Cooking dinner, I turned to him and said something like, “of course he does, what made you think about this tonight?”.  He looked at me, with his Bible still in his hands, opened to this verse, and said, “Look at how Jesus says this verse; ‘Ask and it will be given to you, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you”.  

“Yep” I said, still not fully getting where his thoughts were going on this, but certain that dinner needed to be tended to, “it says right there to ask for what you want”

“It does,” he said with that tone, that told me he was both amused and annoyed that I could not see what was so clear to him- this tone typically got my attention, it meant he was on to something that was different, something that he felt was a game changer.  So, I put dinner to the side and sat down with DJ and his opened Bible as he went on to say “the way Jesus says it, the order of Ask, Seek and Knock, it’s important.  Can’t you see it?”

“Not really,” I answered truthfully, and somewhat embarrassed that a 13 year old was getting the best of me academically.

“look at the first letter of each of those words” he said as he underlined them.  “A-S-K!  Gods telling us twice in the same verse to ask Him!  It means He really wants us to ASK Him for everything!”

Needless to say, I felt foolish for never noticing this before, but also so very proud that DJ at 13, got a lesson that many Christians live their entire lives not fully understanding.  God loves us so completely that He wants us to come to Him, to ask him anything and everything.  He wants for each of us to seek Him out, to ask Him for what we desire, what we want, what we don’t understand.

It’s not just material items that we are to ask about.  Our God wants us to search out the answers to our darkest fears, to our deepest questions, to our most hidden inquiries.  He wants us to seek the truth in Him, and to rely on Him for what we need.  1John5:14 states, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us”.  What an incredible promise- our God hears our requests, every single one of them- no matter how small or big!  He is a loving God, who is beyond faithful and who desires only what is best for us, but before he can answer us, we have to ASK.

When we ask God for guidance, seek His wisdom, or seek His truth, we don’t show a lack of trust.  In fact, it’s just the opposite- we show Him that we trust Him and His answers more than anything on Earth.  We honor God when we reach out for Him.  We show Him our vulnerabilities, our desires, our insecurities- how can that be anything but good?

As parents, we don’t feel that our children are disrespectful or rude when they ask for guidance.  We don’t feel that our child doesn’t trust us when they ask “why”.  we understand that they are seeking an answer and they trust us to be honest and give them the knowledge they need.  If we, as sinful humans, can see that, how much more clearly will God be able to see that when we talk to Him?  If our child asks for a material possession or a special privilege, we do not think that they are being ungrateful for what we have given them, we see that they are expressing a need, a want or a desire.  We can choose to approve of the request or deny it, but the child knows that his/her parent makes decisions based on love (even if, in the moment it may not seem like it, and that child may feel disappointment or anger).

Luke makes this point while sharing with the reader Jesus’s teachings on how to pray. Just after he reiterates the teaching of Ask, Seek, Knock, Luke 11:11-13, sates: “For which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg will give him a scorpion?  If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” 

As a mother, that moment of my son educating me has stayed in the forefront of my heart- and it always will.  It taught me how insightful young people can be, how incredibly gifted my son was at seeing things others didn’t notice (a gift that would serve him well in adulthood), and that we all have more to learn about our  faith.  I was so proud of DJ, that for the next several weeks, I told anyone who would listen about his epiphany- pastors, friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers.  Many people heard Gods word those weeks, due to a mothers pride.

I have come back to this memory often in my walk with Christ.  In my darkest hours, when I could not make sense of a series of tragedies that had taken their toll on our family, I recalled this memory and called to God.  I asked Him, why we were being asked to go through such a difficult time, how long did He expect us to endure, would we be OK?  I asked Him for comfort for me, my husband, my son and the rest of our extended family.  I asked Him for answers, but I also asked God to provide a way for us all to grow closer through it.  

When my son was going through difficult times, I again turned to asking God.  This time, I asked God what he needed us, as parents to know, what were we to do to help our son, what was it that DJ needed to know?  Why was he being asked to walk through such a difficult trial when he was over 2000 miles from home, with very little support close by?

True to form, God was there answering me- but I needed to quiet my heart and listen to Him.  Much like a child who is in the midst of a temper tantrum cannot hear a parent explain why they cannot have a particular toy, we cannot hear Gods answers if we are unable to quiet our hearts and listen.

Each time, I came to God and asked Him for things, answers, or direction.  Each time, I came to Christ broken, lost and feeling alone, or scared and feeling as if I were not strong enough.  Coming to God and asking what I needed to ask has always brought me peace, comfort, and a sense that even when I don’t understand, it’s all part of a plan.  

Often times, we as Christians feel that if we are not filling our prayers with gratitude and fluffy feelings, then we are not being faithful.  We pray with “rose colored glasses on”.  Our life can feel like it’s falling apart, but we continue to say prayers of thanks.  Prayers of thanks and gratitude are important, especially during our times of struggle.  It’s absolutely important that we remain focused on Gods blessings, but who are we kidding? 

Can any of us say, in truth and honesty, that we are closest to those we have never shared any real feelings with?  Think about this for a minute. When we express insecurities, vulnerabilities, even frustration and anger with other people, it increases our feelings of closeness with them.  We cannot feel connected to those we don’t share true and honest emotions with.  We have to share the good, appreciate them, and tell them that we love them, but we also need to honesty share our shortcomings, our fears, our secrets with them.  Our relationship with God is the same.  If all we do is pray with our rose colored glasses on, then we are not being truthful with God.  He knows our hearts better than we do, He knows when we are not being completely honest with Him.  This keeps our relationship with God superficial, and this dishonors Him.  It tells God, “I don’t trust You to know my not so good side.  I don’t trust that your love is enough to heal me” .  It says that you think God is not faithful, that if He really knew what you wanted to pray, he would leave and walk away from you.

God knows our hearts- all of it.  He knows the darkest fears we can’t even acknowledge to ourselves, He knows when we are in angst and need Him.  He desires the intimacy that comes from being vulnerable enough to cry out our deepest insecurities.  He wants to reassure us, to comfort us, but we need to reach out to Him, to take His hand.  

God understands that we are human, we do not have the omniscient sight that He has.  He understands that we don’t understand everything, and He delights in us seeking the truth from Him.  He wants us to be completely honest in our prayers and conversations with Him.  He doesn’t need us to put on the rose colored glasses- that makes us feel better, but does nothing to enhance our relationship with Christ.

God has a plan for each of us.  He doesn’t always give us what we want, but He gives us what we need.  We need to trust this, we need to feel His love and compassion, and we need to feel free to ask any questions that plague us.  He is not easily offended, when our intentions are to know and do His will.  God seeks us out, He provides us with answers to every question we ask- He either gives us the answer now or he asks us to wait, but He hears every question, every request and every prayer.

It's the Little Things that Matter Most

As I write this, I am watching my two dogs play on the floor, romping and rolling over each other, I have a cup of coffee next to me and a fire in the fireplace.  I can feel the richness of the blessings in my life.  I have to say that I am more content here in this time and place than I would be anywhere else.  "How can that be" you're thinking, "are you telling me you would rather be at home than traveling the world staying in five star accommodations?"  Yep, that is exactly what I am telling you, and here is why-I have learned that it is the smallest of blessings that matter most in life.

Through my years as a social worker, and especially in my time working with people near the end of life, I have learned that it is the tiniest things that carry the biggest impact.  When you listen to someone who is coming to terms with dying, you hear stories of time spent with family and friends, you hear of special days, and memories of parents.  I have yet to have a dying person tell me what the political climate was the year they got married, but just about every person will tell you about how they felt, what they wore and how in love they were. 

When we look back on our lives, we don't think about that Saturday that we were so angry with our friend for not calling us back, or the fact that we missed some sale.  We remember sitting outside with families on a warm summer evening, sharing stories.  We recall small individual conversations, that in the moment did not seem significant.  We remember and dwell on the good times, the times we were sad and were lifted up by family or friends.  

It is the smell of a newborn baby or laundry on the line that we remember.  We are comforted by the scent of bread baking, or cookies coming from the oven.  We find that our hearts are lifted when we watch puppies play, children laughing or birds singing.  The beauty of flowers, trees and nature overwhelm us.  It is not the expensive trips or lavish accommodations that make the deepest impressions on us, it is the scenery, the view of nature.  It reminds us that we are small in comparison, that our God is big and great and wonderful.

One cannot stand on the top of a mountain or at the shore of the sea and not feel small.  We cannot gaze at the stars and not realize how great our God is.  It is the small details of creation that make us feel blessed.  Who among us has not watched a loved one suffer an illness and given thanks that our bodies are working correctly?  How many of us have watched someone we love lose someone close to them and felt the overwhelming gratitude that we could go home and hug our spouse, our children or our parents?

It is often the quiet moments that I am able to hear God speaking to my heart, my soul.  It is when I take time to notice and appreciate the small blessings in life that I realize it is exactly these moments that are what life is all about.  Don't get me wrong, the fact that we are surrounded by large blessings and great miracles every day is wonderful and awe inspiring to me; but when we look back, when we recall the moments that made our lives what they are, it is the small details, the names and the faces that we will recall.  We will remember the feelings aroused by certain smells, the sense of comfort and security of being held in our spouses arms.  We will remember the overwhelming joy of seeing our children do all their first-first step, first day of school, first love, and even their first child.  

We must learn to appreciate these moments, they pass so quickly.  If we stop and take notice of them while they are happening, we will be more content, more able to see the blessings in our lives.  We will naturally focus less on the inconveniences of life.  We will understand that what is important is happening every single moment, and we only need to stop and take it in.

We must learn to observe and appreciate the small things, then we need to teach our children to do the same.  We have a responsibility to teach our children that it is not the material possessions that make us rich, but rather the moments and people God has blessed us with.  Only then, can our children know true contentment and eventually true joy.

New Years Resolutions and the Afterglow of the Holidays

In November, we gave thanks for all that we have been blessed with, praising God and being sure to take note of all the good in our lives.  We felt great about what we had and even appeared to be content for a moment.  Then December came and we all clamored for the next big thing that we had to have.  We become aware of what we do not have, what we want and suddenly we are not as content as we were just a few short weeks ago.

So in our new found discontent, we give lists of our wishes to our friends and family, we go to the stores in search of their wants and desires (partially in the hopes that if we satisfy their wants, maybe they will satisfy ours).  We search for good deals and the best prices like the cavemen used to hunt wild game-with precision, a plan and as if our very well being depends on it.  We take home our little treasures, wrap them up and give them to one another.

We are relational creatures, I have written about this several times, but I think the holiday season brings this out in us more than other times of the year.  Maybe its all the family dinners, the holiday parties, or the small get togethers with friends.  Maybe its being forced to think about others for a bit, even if it is only for  a moment.  Whatever the reason, the holiday season always makes me more aware of how important my relationships are to me.

We are nearing the new year, the day when many make resolutions to change what they don't like.  The most common resolution according to statistic brain is to lose weight, followed by get organized, and spend less.  In fact, it is not until number 8 that we begin to see others incorporated into our desires to make ourselves and the world better.  

As a matter of fact, it struck me that of the  Top 10 New years Resolutions, several of them surround undoing what we have done during the holiday season.  We eat a lot of sweets and rich foods, then pledge to lose weight.  We indulge in sitting around with family and friends, not working out as we should, then pledge to get fit and healthy.  The chaos of the holiday season causes us to pledge to get more organized.  We have just gotten done telling everyone how we do not have enough in our lives, then we pledge to help others reach their dreams.

I have often wondered why we don't look out for each other, all the time.  Why do we need a special day to start taking care of ourselves and others?  The poor and the needy, are not only poor and needy at the first of the year-they experience hardship every day.  We are called by Christ to reach out daily to those in need.  It is essential that we do not lose sight of this.  

We are nearing the end of a season of blessings and overindulgence for most of us; but there are many who had nothing, who suffered a great deal and were in need as well, and these needs will continue long after the glow of Christmas has left most of us.  As an example, on December 23, I took some gifts to a local battered woman's shelter for the children who would be there on Christmas; the gifts were donated by my family and my husbands mother and step father (very generous people indeed).  When I dropped them off, a staff person shared with me that on that day there were 15 children in the shelter.  

Take a second and process that.  In one small shelter, there were 15 children who would spend the holiday with strangers, escaping a dangerous and scary situation.  That does not include the homeless, the mentally ill or physically ill who would be hospitalizes, nor does it include those who were surrounded by loved ones, but who felt alone because of deep pain they were experiencing.  While most of us see the holiday season as a time of great blessings and joy, many more than we realize are suffering and hurting.  Their loneliness and pain can be magnified by all the joy around them.  Far too often, we turn a blind eye to this hurting.

I know that we can all come together and make a difference, but we have to make the effort.  We all need to reach out to those we see who are lonely or suffering.  A kind word, a gentle touch or even a smile can make a difference.  We need to feed the hungry, provide clothing and shelter to the poor and reach out to the widow/widowers.  We must take care of each other, as Christ took care of us. 

We must remember that the resolution to lose weight indicates the great blessing of an abundance of food.  The resolution to get organized means we have been blessed with material possessions that can make a difference in others lives.  When we resolve to spend more time with family, it is because we have loved ones around to spend time with.  To say that we want to get fit and healthy, means that we are comfortable enough to think about our health.  Our energy is not focused on providing the basics for ourselves-we have food, shelter, clothing and the basic necessities of life.  These are all wonderful things, but we must not lose sight of the fact that many others do not have the same blessings.

We should all resolve this year, this day, to take care of one another as we have been commanded to.

Mixed Bag of Emotions

My son, who is grown and lives across the country, is coming home for Christmas.  My husband and I could not be more proud of him.  He is successful and intelligent and everything parents hope their child will grow into as an adult.

It's been far too long since we have seen him, and to be honest, I am as excited as a child on Christmas morning.  I found it difficult to sleep last night, and am counting down the hours until I get to see him getting off the plane this afternoon.  Make no mistake, I am so grateful that he will be home for Christmas.

That being said, if I am honest, I have to admit that there is some trepidation as well.  Maybe trepidation is not the correct word, there is no fear of what is to come; but this Christmas will be different.  When we have children, we get to see the wonder in their eyes as they experience the holiday every year.  We grow accustomed to getting up early, unwrapping our gifts and listening to the joyful glee of a child thrilled to get a gift.

As our children grow, it is impossible for them to understand how much the holidays change for their parents.  Instead of a gleeful child, we are now sharing the day with an adult, who is finding their ways in the world.  It's a great blessing indeed, but there is also some sadness that comes from the holidays of the past being gone.

When my son was small, we were surrounded by grandparents, parents and extended family.  Christmas was a time of great joy with family members who hadn't been seen all year.  Sadly, many of those have passed on.  This Christmas will be smaller, more intimate.

I am so excited to watch my son grow into the man he is becoming, but I miss the days of his youthful exuberance and grandparents joining us around the table to share their memories of Christmas' past.  Now, it is our turn to share our memories-thats ok.

I think when we are young, we cannot understand the nostalgia of past seasons.  As we grow, and begin to celebrate the holidays without loved ones and see the changes in our children there is a certain sadness that mixes with the joy of the season.  It is a strange feeling indeed, but it is necessary for the generations to continue.

This year, my husband and I will entertain family and friends, we will share stories from over the years, we will laugh and we will be filled with joy; but deep in our hearts, there will also be a slight sadness that comes from missing those days.

Grief During the Holiday Season

We will all experience grief during the holidays at one time or another, and we will certainly know someone who must endure grief during the holidays.  There are many types of grief, and many types of grieving, but all have one thing in common-the grieved must cope with feelings of loss and sadness at a time when others around them are full of joy and happiness.

It can be very difficult to navigate the waters of comforting a loved one during the holidays.  Before we can offer comfort, or begin to heal ourselves, we need to recognize that there are many types of grief and loss.  Other than the obvious losses experienced through the death of a loved one or divorce, there are numerous other experiences that are losses.  People can grieve the loss of a job or pet, the loss of friendships, loss of independence, or even the perceived loss of rituals.  What may not seem like a big deal to one person, may very well be all consuming and joy robbing for another person.

Grief or loss can be difficult
especially during the holidays

The holiday season is a time that is full of joy and happiness, bright lights, smiles, laughter and get togethers.  We have work parties, parties with friends, family get togethers and neighborhood parties.  There are gifts to give with big bows and brightly colored paper.  Family and friends travel all over the country to come together and rejoin our hearts.  It is a time of celebration of the birth of our Lord-even non believers get in on the party and feel the joy.  This can be extremely isolating for someone experiencing loss and grief.

The good news is that God knows when our hearts hurt and our souls are aching for something or someone.  He comforts us with his word, if we just take the time to listen.  While most of us know Psalm 23, the Psalms are full of encouragement about loss and grief.  When I was experience a great deal of loss at Christmas several years ago, the one verse that brought me the most comfort was "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).  To know that the pain and grief was temporary, that God knows what we are going through and will bring us through to joy, is a gift.  It brings hope, and oftentimes, hope is all we need to endure.

The important thing to keep moving and healing; but how does a person do this?

How to cope with grief during this time:

1.  Give the loss/grief a name:   This sounds easy, and sometimes it is.  The death of a loved one is full of hurt and loss, and can be very was to put a name to.  Other losses, like the loss of a tradition, children growing and moving, loss of independence, and so on, can be much more difficult to name.  Often times, we are not even sure ourselves why we are down or sad, but it is important to take time to do an inventory and recognize that a loss is being experienced.

There is a book by Kenneth J. Doka published in 2002 called "Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice".  In it he discusses the many types of loss that are felt deeply by the one experiencing it, but not necessarily recognized by society.  The declining memory or physical abilities of an aging parent is an example (felt by both the child and the parent), and child spending time in jail or a treatment facility, death of a pet, even the death of an ex-spouse can all be labeled disenfranchised grief.  Take time to recognize what the loss is and why it is felt as loss.

2.  Give yourself permission to feel the grief:  People who are grieving are often told to "move on" or "get over it"-this can be very detrimental to the one experiencing loss.  It gives the idea that it is not ok to be sad or feel the loss.  This will lead to isolation and the person feeling like they are all alone in their grief.  If you are experiencing a loss, give yourself permission to feel the grief, to be less than joyous at this time.  If you know someone who is grieving, give them time and permission to be down and feel sad.  This may not seem like a big deal, but to give someone a safe place to grieve is a huge gift.

3.  Give a voice to the grief/loss:  What this means is this-talking about the loss is essential to healing! Talking gives the person a chance to process what they are feeling, ask for support and feel the love and encouragement from family/friends.  When loss or grief is talked about, it has the potential to decrease the feelings of isolation.  Talking about good times and the feelings that are arising from the loss can be extremely cathartic.  This makes it easier to heal.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about the benefits of friendship and loved ones.  We are created to be relational beings, and that is also true in our grief.  We all need to lean on someone at one time or another.  Recognize that feeling sadness during the holidays is ok, and that talking about it with friends or family does not detract from their joy.

4.  Reach out for help:  I have to be honest here, it this is really hard for me.  I am stubborn and don't like to show others my weaknesses; I want to be seen as strong.  That being said, the truth is, we all need help from time to time.  There are times when we offer help, and there are times when we receive it.  If the loss or grief is overwhelming, and you are feeling like there is no hope, thinking of suicide or not able to see a way out, get professional help immediately.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone who is grieving, is listen.  Other times, we can take steps to help them heal.  Encouraging them to be with people who love them, that its ok to laugh one minute and feel deeply sad the next, offering to just spend time with them, are all great ways to help a grieving person.  Reminding them that God is near and feels their pain and will one day bring happiness back to their hearts, is also great.  There are so many verses that are encouraging during times of loss, this website has a wonderful listing of them to remind us how great and powerful God is in our times of loss:

    Encouraging Bible verses about Grief

5.  Do for others:  When we give to or do for others, we have an opportunity to see the difference we can make for others.  Helping others helps us begin to heal our hearts.  God calls us to take care of one another, and to be able to do so in our grief is a special gift to God (and to ourselves for that matter).  This will not take away all the pain or heal the heart completely, but it is a step.  A bonus of helping others is that it reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering.

6. Remember that you are an individual:  This is an important point-every person feels loss differently and heals in their own time.  There is no right way to grieve.  As individuals, some will want to talk a lot about the loss, others will just want to be involved in holiday traditions (and may not discuss much). Still others will have be a mix of these two approaches.  All are ok. 

In the same line of thinking, grief is not a linear process.  One minute (or day or week) may be full of sadness, tears and deep feelings of loss, the next may be more resigned, happy or even guilt filled.  Grief and loss is a process similar to a roller coaster-you are strapped in and going for a ride filled with ups, downs and a few loops!  It ok to go through these, expect that feelings will change dramatically and possibly often, and give yourself permission to feel the emotions as they come.

I hope this post is helpful if you are experiencing a loss/grief or if you know someone who is.

Personal and Social Responsibility-Not Completely Different

I would like to build on to the previous post today.  In my last post, I wrote about personal responsibility and how not enough of society is taking accountability for their own choices.  Today, I want to expand that.  I assert that we are not doing enough to care for each other-our social responsibility has waned, and we need to correct this soon!

In Biblical times, people were cared for from birth to the end of their lives.  Children were cared for by a community, and as parents grew older, the children took care of them.  Look at 1Timothy 5:8 which says "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever".  In history, a mans household was not thought of literally as those who resided in his actual home, but rather it was his family.  Parents, children, spouse, brothers/sisters, their spouses and children, even aunts, uncles, grandparents and even cousins.  It was understood that each of us is expected to provide for and take care of every individual in our households.

Too many families today have lost this feeling of responsibility to one another.  How many times has a parent of a child said to another family member "Don't tell me how to raise my child!" when questioned on a decision the parent has made or a behavior the child has exhibited?  This is not correct.  We were never made to raise our children alone, in a vacuum.  Remember the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child?"  That phrase is so popular because it's true.  Children who are raised in homes where they are taught to respect all their elders, as opposed to just mom and dad, tend to do better in life, they are equipped with necessary skills to succeed.

In addition, other parents often see things that we are blinded to with our children.  They can see the little things that will hinder them in life, that we parents see as adorable and cute.  Every person brings with them different perspectives, which can be enlightening when coping with an issue or behavior.  Our children do best when we allow others to help us.  It also reduces the stress of the parents.  There is great comfort in knowing that we are not alone in any situation, and parenthood is the toughest situation most of us will ever find ourselves in (albeit very rewarding!).

It's not just us allowing others to help us, we need to be helping and caring for others too.  I cannot tell you how many times I have talked with a co-worker who complains about their niece or nephews behaviors.  When asked if they are willing to talk to the parents about it, they say "Why? it's not my kid".  Confronting or discussing tough issues can be complicated and sensitive, but it's not good to avoid them.  We all need a mirror held up for us once in a while, and sometimes we don't like what is said, but that does not make it any less true.

What about our aging family members?  In Biblical times, if a woman was widowed, it was expected and understood that her son would take care of her.  Do we do this now?  How many children are willing to care for their parents in todays society?  Some, but many more, turn a blind eye, and let their parents suffer in old age.  Our society embraces youth and independence, so it is no surprise that when our parents age and begin to feel the effects of aging (increased forgetfulness, decreased mobility and endurance, vision and hearing disturbances, health issues, financial stresses), they are reluctant to ask for help.

Many elderly feel that if the ask for help, they will be "put in a home somewhere and forgotten".  Don't get me wrong, I have working in nursing homes and know that they provide excellent care, and are staffed with some of the most dedicated, loving and hard working people you will ever meet.  This, however, does not change the fear our aging population has of them.  Many remember the old, institutional nursing homes where patients were not well cared for, were overmedicated and forgotten about.  Having this fear, they often will not reach for help, instead they try to get by on their own.

Getting by on their own may mean having to skip meals, not maintain their residences, and not getting out and socializing as often.  Since we are created as relational beings, this extreme loneliness has both psychological and physical effects including depression, anxiety, increased aches and pains, breathing difficulties, sleep disturbances and increased feelings of hopelessness.  We all have a responsibility to look out for our aging parents, neighbors etc, while helping them maintain a sense of independence.

The fourth commandment is to "Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you" (Exodus 20:12).  If we are honest, most of us have to admit that we do not honor our parents as we should.  Do we spend time with them, recognize their wisdom and experience?  Are we sensitive to their needs, do we provide for them and ensure that they are happy and secure in their environment?  Too many of us, if we searched our hearts, would have to admit that we do not.

We call, or visit, but in our time with our parents we are focused on our busy lives, what we have to get done that day and what will be coming the next few days.  We worry about our children and our homes, but we don't really listen and engage when our parents talk about whats going on in their lives.  This is a shame, because the aging have so much to offer us, and we are missing it because we feel too busy.

The Biblical principle of  caring for others, is not limited to our families.  Philipians 2:4 states "do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others" (NASB).  We are called to care for all the needy, in every way we can.  This does not mean only around the holidays when we see the little red buckets with scores of volunteers ringing bells, but all year.  We are to care for all in need, when we see need.

We do not know each others story.  It is easy to look at a homeless man begging for food and drive by thinking that he is lazy or a drunk; but consider this story.  When my son was little, if we say a homeless or hung person, we bought them something to eat (maybe a sandwich or small snack, but something), we would give it to them and continue on our day.  When in college, he continued this practice.

One cold day, in Madison, WI, he gave a homeless man a burger and fires from a local restaurant.  the homeless man was well known around the campus by a not so flattering name, and my son felt bad for him.  When he gave the man the food, the gentleman asked him to sit and talk for a bit, which he did.  What he learned from that man, changed his perceptions forever.  That gentleman was a successful businessman in his life who fell on a series of hardships, which I will not share here to respect his privacy.  His life was destroyed and he lost his home.  He spoke of how many people talked about him as if he could not hear, or looked at him as if he were not there.  Imagine feeling like a burden to society just because you fell on hard times!

Most of us are fortunate-we have a warm place to sleep, people who love us, food in our bellies.  We have what we need, but there are those in society who lack the basics that the rest of us take for granted.  It saddens me that in this time and country of great wealth, there is extreme poverty, homelessness and so many people who live alone and afraid.  When did we go from a community who looks after one another to a community of individuals whose primary focus is on themselves?

We need to come back to Christ and to the church and it's teachings.  We need to remember to take care of each other, love each other, and look out for each other; for those we know and those we don't, for those we see and those we look past.  Every person, no matter their circumstance, are children of Gods.  He loves them all, and calls us to do the same.

Do We Need Church to Worship Correctly?

I was once asked this question by a loved one, "If I believe in God and Jesus and all that, why do I need to be in church?  Does God really care if I sit in church once a week?".  I realized at once the land mine zone I was just tossed into.

On the one hand, if I had told this person that he needed to be in church, there is a good chance he would lose his new found faith.  On the other hand, church is an important part of worship for a variety of reasons.  Fortunately, we had enough time and a strong enough relationship to have a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons to going to church.  Today, I'm going to summarize some of these for you, in case you are ever faced with a similar question.

Con:  Church is full of hypocrites who only sit and judge you

This is true.  We are all hypocrites, every one of us.  If we weren't, we would not have required a Savior to come and rescue us from ourselves.  The truth is that we all care what others think about us, so many times we say one thing, but act differently.  Church is no exception.

In addition to being hypocrites, we are all judgmental and harsh with one another.  Don't believe me?  Think about the last time you were in a large group of people-did anyone annoy you, frustrate you or confuse you with their actions?  Guess what, you just judged them-we all do it.  It's true that scripture tells us to look inward before judging others (Matthew 7:3), and we should; but the truth is that we are sinful creatures and we all have periods being judgmental.

Going to church doesn't say that you are not a hypocrite or judgmental.  What it says about you is that you recognize that you are a hypocrite and judgmental and you know you cannot correct these sins alone, that you need help.  You recognize that you are not perfect and require teaching, support and encouragement to get better.  You acknowledge that you need the forgiveness that only Christ can give.

Pro: Worshipping is a group activity

Matthew 18:20 says "Where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them".  This is the epitome of why attending church is so important.  Recognizing and acknowledging our sins can be very humbling.  When we sit and think about how far from perfect we are, it can motivate us to do better, or it can make us feel hopeless.  We sometimes feel like nobody can understand what we are going through or how we are feeling.

Attending church gives us a support system.  There is something very communal about sitting with other like minded individuals, praising God and offering worship.  When we attend church regularly, we become part of a community-I recognize many people who attend my regular service, even if I have never spoken to them.  When I see them in my town, I recognize them as part of my church community.  We also make friends at church-people we know love us and hold the same values we have.  That is a built in accountability partner!

Con: Services take so long

Ok, really?  Church services average about an hour a week.  That's it!  If you cannot make one hour a week in your schedule, then you need to review your schedule-you are much to busy.

Pro: Services take only an hour

See what I did there?  Being in church and receiving the benefits of attending regular services only takes one hour of your entire week.  That is less time than it takes to read the morning paper, workout or watch two tv sitcoms.  Most of us come home and sit on our bottoms to watch three hours of football.  The time it takes to sit through service is worth the effort, given all that we get from it.

Con: The church only wants my money

This one can be a little sticky to address, especially with a nonbeliever.  Part of the statement may come from a persons own conviction about how important their finances are to them, or concern that they don't have enough to give to church.  On the other hand, some churches speak so much about giving that it can seem like that's all the church is interested in.

The truth is, running a church does take funds, a lot of funds.  Not only is there the costs of maintaining a building, the utilities, property management and salaries, but there is also the cost of the programs that so many people have come to associate with the church.  Outreach ministries, prison ministries, Bible studies, youth gouts, mission trips, assistance with food, money and clothes for the needy, support to families in crisis and so on.  It all takes a huge effort from volunteers and money.

Pro:  The church is there for support when we need them

As mentioned above-the church is there to offer support (tangible and intangible) when there is need.  Most churches have outreach programs, that reach out the needy.  These programs do important work in reaching the homeless, the needy and those who have been victims of natural disasters.  Churches also offer support like meals brought to a members home after a funeral or medical crisis, they often provide short term financial support to members for bills, tuition or food.

Churches of nearly every faith, look to take care of the people in their communities.  It is reassuring and comforting to have your church community surround you when you need it.


Closing thoughts:

It is clear that being a member of a church community and regularly participating in services, Bible studies and ministries offer benefits that are necessary in this life.  That being said, not everyone is ready to hear that.  Many new believers, or believers who have been hurt by their faith want to believe that they can worship God anywhere.

Worshipping in a church building may not be a criteria that God uses to judge us, but it is essential for us to continue to grow and develop our relationship with him.  Attending church is for our benefit, not Gods.  We are not gracing God with our appearance in a building once a week; He is gracing us with the ability to come together and worship at his feet weekly, daily or as often as we choose to gather.

Discussing this topic can be sensitive because people will feel judged if they are not regularly attending service, but it also necessary.  Church services are a time for all of us to reconnect to Gods word, and disconnect from the secular world, if only for an hour.  Every believer deserves the benefits of regular church attendance, and we do our brothers and sisters a disservice if we don't discuss the issue honestly.