Grief During the Holiday Season

We will all experience grief during the holidays at one time or another, and we will certainly know someone who must endure grief during the holidays.  There are many types of grief, and many types of grieving, but all have one thing in common-the grieved must cope with feelings of loss and sadness at a time when others around them are full of joy and happiness.

It can be very difficult to navigate the waters of comforting a loved one during the holidays.  Before we can offer comfort, or begin to heal ourselves, we need to recognize that there are many types of grief and loss.  Other than the obvious losses experienced through the death of a loved one or divorce, there are numerous other experiences that are losses.  People can grieve the loss of a job or pet, the loss of friendships, loss of independence, or even the perceived loss of rituals.  What may not seem like a big deal to one person, may very well be all consuming and joy robbing for another person.

Grief or loss can be difficult
especially during the holidays

The holiday season is a time that is full of joy and happiness, bright lights, smiles, laughter and get togethers.  We have work parties, parties with friends, family get togethers and neighborhood parties.  There are gifts to give with big bows and brightly colored paper.  Family and friends travel all over the country to come together and rejoin our hearts.  It is a time of celebration of the birth of our Lord-even non believers get in on the party and feel the joy.  This can be extremely isolating for someone experiencing loss and grief.

The good news is that God knows when our hearts hurt and our souls are aching for something or someone.  He comforts us with his word, if we just take the time to listen.  While most of us know Psalm 23, the Psalms are full of encouragement about loss and grief.  When I was experience a great deal of loss at Christmas several years ago, the one verse that brought me the most comfort was "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).  To know that the pain and grief was temporary, that God knows what we are going through and will bring us through to joy, is a gift.  It brings hope, and oftentimes, hope is all we need to endure.

The important thing to keep moving and healing; but how does a person do this?

How to cope with grief during this time:

1.  Give the loss/grief a name:   This sounds easy, and sometimes it is.  The death of a loved one is full of hurt and loss, and can be very was to put a name to.  Other losses, like the loss of a tradition, children growing and moving, loss of independence, and so on, can be much more difficult to name.  Often times, we are not even sure ourselves why we are down or sad, but it is important to take time to do an inventory and recognize that a loss is being experienced.

There is a book by Kenneth J. Doka published in 2002 called "Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice".  In it he discusses the many types of loss that are felt deeply by the one experiencing it, but not necessarily recognized by society.  The declining memory or physical abilities of an aging parent is an example (felt by both the child and the parent), and child spending time in jail or a treatment facility, death of a pet, even the death of an ex-spouse can all be labeled disenfranchised grief.  Take time to recognize what the loss is and why it is felt as loss.

2.  Give yourself permission to feel the grief:  People who are grieving are often told to "move on" or "get over it"-this can be very detrimental to the one experiencing loss.  It gives the idea that it is not ok to be sad or feel the loss.  This will lead to isolation and the person feeling like they are all alone in their grief.  If you are experiencing a loss, give yourself permission to feel the grief, to be less than joyous at this time.  If you know someone who is grieving, give them time and permission to be down and feel sad.  This may not seem like a big deal, but to give someone a safe place to grieve is a huge gift.

3.  Give a voice to the grief/loss:  What this means is this-talking about the loss is essential to healing! Talking gives the person a chance to process what they are feeling, ask for support and feel the love and encouragement from family/friends.  When loss or grief is talked about, it has the potential to decrease the feelings of isolation.  Talking about good times and the feelings that are arising from the loss can be extremely cathartic.  This makes it easier to heal.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about the benefits of friendship and loved ones.  We are created to be relational beings, and that is also true in our grief.  We all need to lean on someone at one time or another.  Recognize that feeling sadness during the holidays is ok, and that talking about it with friends or family does not detract from their joy.

4.  Reach out for help:  I have to be honest here, it this is really hard for me.  I am stubborn and don't like to show others my weaknesses; I want to be seen as strong.  That being said, the truth is, we all need help from time to time.  There are times when we offer help, and there are times when we receive it.  If the loss or grief is overwhelming, and you are feeling like there is no hope, thinking of suicide or not able to see a way out, get professional help immediately.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone who is grieving, is listen.  Other times, we can take steps to help them heal.  Encouraging them to be with people who love them, that its ok to laugh one minute and feel deeply sad the next, offering to just spend time with them, are all great ways to help a grieving person.  Reminding them that God is near and feels their pain and will one day bring happiness back to their hearts, is also great.  There are so many verses that are encouraging during times of loss, this website has a wonderful listing of them to remind us how great and powerful God is in our times of loss:

    Encouraging Bible verses about Grief

5.  Do for others:  When we give to or do for others, we have an opportunity to see the difference we can make for others.  Helping others helps us begin to heal our hearts.  God calls us to take care of one another, and to be able to do so in our grief is a special gift to God (and to ourselves for that matter).  This will not take away all the pain or heal the heart completely, but it is a step.  A bonus of helping others is that it reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering.

6. Remember that you are an individual:  This is an important point-every person feels loss differently and heals in their own time.  There is no right way to grieve.  As individuals, some will want to talk a lot about the loss, others will just want to be involved in holiday traditions (and may not discuss much). Still others will have be a mix of these two approaches.  All are ok. 

In the same line of thinking, grief is not a linear process.  One minute (or day or week) may be full of sadness, tears and deep feelings of loss, the next may be more resigned, happy or even guilt filled.  Grief and loss is a process similar to a roller coaster-you are strapped in and going for a ride filled with ups, downs and a few loops!  It ok to go through these, expect that feelings will change dramatically and possibly often, and give yourself permission to feel the emotions as they come.

I hope this post is helpful if you are experiencing a loss/grief or if you know someone who is.