Complete Self Acceptance-Possibly the Hardest Change of All

With the New year upon us, it is very clear that one thing most of us struggle with is self acceptance.  How many times have you heard, or even uttered the following:

• "I wish I was taller (or shorter)"
• "If I could just lose the extra weight, I would love my body"
• "If only I was better at _____________, then my life would be great"
• "I wish I had ______________'s hair (or body, house, job, clothes, money, etc)"
• "I hate myself and the way I look (or feel, talk, move, etc)"

These statements make me sad when I hear them, even though I often utter them myself.  The truth is that God created each one of us to be individuals, and that He created us with everything we need to be perfect in His eyes-but it is up to us to recognize that and make the most of our talents and blessings.

Psalm 139:13 states "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb".  I love that verse and have for years, perhaps because I love knitting so much.  When I knit a project, I plan it out, I spend hours searching for the exact right pattern, I carefully select the colors, the right needles, and even adjust the pattern as needed for the person I intend to give it to.  I put a lot of thought into it before I ever begin one stitch.  As I knit it, I feel a closeness to the person I created it for.  I think of them as I knit, and hope that they will feel all the love I have put into the piece.  In the end, I am proud of the work I did and present it to them.  I know all of the flaws of the piece, both the ones I have corrected and the ones I was not able to correct, but I love it just the same.  A piece of my heart goes with every single project I make for others.  I envision that is how God feels when he creates us.  

He knows every flaw in us, yet he loves us all the more.  He carefully selects our hair color, our tendency to be a certain weight, our compassion level, our intelligence, our level of empathy, our ability to make money or our ability to make others feel loved.  He selects the right combination of talents and trials to make us our best.  Every person alive, has a piece of Gods heart in them.  I imagine that it breaks his heart when we speak, or think, negatively about his creations that he has worked so lovingly on.

I have come to believe that God has infused each of us with our own special blend of trials, blessings and inherent desires.  Some of us want desperately to feel loved and cared for, others want (just as desperately) to be in solitude.  Some find peace in being surrounded by others, it invigorates them and energizes them, others find energy and solace in being alone.  Some love to read, eat or run, others love to think, contemplate or meditate.  Who among us can say that our way is better?  None of us, all we can say is that our way is best for us.  Romans 14:3-5 illustrates this point beautifully "The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them.  Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall.  And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.  One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike.  Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind".

We have all heard not to judge others, but we need to not judge ourselves so harshly either.  It is true that it is important to be honest with ourselves and know when we are doing wrong, and take steps to correct it.  However, to judge your self worth because you cannot gain or lose weight as easily as the next person, or because of your eye color, body type or even intelligence is not okay.  It's saying to yourself, to others and to God that he made a mistake and that you could have done a better job.  He is the perfect creator, who created the mountains, the valleys and every living being-perfectly-he did not make a mistake on you or on me!

We must learn to begin to embrace our flaws, to love ourselves as we were created to be.  This is a change that we all need to make, but it may be the hardest change of all.  Why?  We all want to be the best-the best wife, the best mother, the best employee, the best Christian, the most loved, the most adored, the most popular; each of us seeks to be the best at something.  We know we may not be, but we try, and in that, we are naturally prone to see what may be holding us back.  For example, a woman who wants to be loved deeply and seen as being the best wife, may very well get focused on her appearance, her intelligence, even her tone of voice in an effort to capture her beloveds heart.  She can't change the fact that she will naturally be curvy, her tone of voice or her intelligence; she can chose to pursue activities that will enhance her physical being, she can highlight her intelligence, by staying informed and learning new things, but in then end she cannot change the inherent body shape or intelligence, she certainly cannot change her voice!  Neither should she-she was created by God to be the perfectly wonderful person that she is.

When we seek the approval of others, when we try to control our own futures and destinies, we take our eyes off of God.  We forget that he knit us together and all that entails.  He chose our parents for us, for what they had to offer (both what we perceive as good and bad), it is up to us to embrace them and learn from them.  It is essential that we remember that our primary goal needs to be on accepting ourselves and praising God for making us into the perfect creatures we are.  We must learn to seek his approval over our own, or others.  

When I am able to stay focused on this fact, I find that I am much more accepting of myself, flaws and all.  I see that I am strong because of the troubles I have faced, I am compassionate because of the times I have been mistreated, and I love deeply because I was loved deeply and felt what it meant to change someones life.  I love my body-though it is far from perfect.  The truth is, I am strong, curvy and full of passion.  I lift weights, I run, I climb stairs, I hike.  My body, though it is not perfect, is perfect for me.  It allows me to do things that others cannot do.  When I am good to it, I feel great; and when I stop working out, or am not eating healthy, it responds quickly and loudly to me.  My arthritis will flare up, I get awful headaches, joint pain, stiffness and become lethargic.  I used to hate that, but now I embrace it.  I realize that my body has taught me to persevere, to let go of societal ideas of beauty.  I am beautiful, not because of my size or shape, but because I am loved by God and I was created by him to be exactly who I am.

I still struggle with letting go of seeking others approval; lets be honest, that's a tough one-we all love to hear that others care about us, love us, etc.  That being said, I have learned to accept me as I am, even when others do not.  I am learning every day to seek Gods approval, to judge myself fairly and honestly and perhaps most importantly to love myself for being the best version of me I can be.  I try to remind myself daily that love the was put into creating me and loving God more for the effort.

 I am learning to love myself for the person God created
me to be.

I think if we all understood this concept, it would be easier to be nice to people.  We would love ourselves more, we would be more willing to reach out and praise others-lift them up.  Too many of us, tear others down in an effort to make ourselves feel better.  This must break Gods heart.  We need to spend time telling those we love why we love them, what makes them special, why they are perfectly created.  We must embrace our children and tell them how blessed we are to have them, how incredible they are just as they are!  We need to tell our friends why we love them, what we admire about them, without depreciating ourselves in the process.  We should be dealing with everyone, even strangers, with love and acceptance.  We need to realize that each of us have our own insecurities, our own weaknesses and struggles and our own strengths.  God created us to be relational, to help each other, not to tear each other down.  He has called us to love one another-as John 13:34-35 says "A new command I give you; love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have loved one another.

Grief During the Holiday Season

We will all experience grief during the holidays at one time or another, and we will certainly know someone who must endure grief during the holidays.  There are many types of grief, and many types of grieving, but all have one thing in common-the grieved must cope with feelings of loss and sadness at a time when others around them are full of joy and happiness.

It can be very difficult to navigate the waters of comforting a loved one during the holidays.  Before we can offer comfort, or begin to heal ourselves, we need to recognize that there are many types of grief and loss.  Other than the obvious losses experienced through the death of a loved one or divorce, there are numerous other experiences that are losses.  People can grieve the loss of a job or pet, the loss of friendships, loss of independence, or even the perceived loss of rituals.  What may not seem like a big deal to one person, may very well be all consuming and joy robbing for another person.

Grief or loss can be difficult
especially during the holidays

The holiday season is a time that is full of joy and happiness, bright lights, smiles, laughter and get togethers.  We have work parties, parties with friends, family get togethers and neighborhood parties.  There are gifts to give with big bows and brightly colored paper.  Family and friends travel all over the country to come together and rejoin our hearts.  It is a time of celebration of the birth of our Lord-even non believers get in on the party and feel the joy.  This can be extremely isolating for someone experiencing loss and grief.

The good news is that God knows when our hearts hurt and our souls are aching for something or someone.  He comforts us with his word, if we just take the time to listen.  While most of us know Psalm 23, the Psalms are full of encouragement about loss and grief.  When I was experience a great deal of loss at Christmas several years ago, the one verse that brought me the most comfort was "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).  To know that the pain and grief was temporary, that God knows what we are going through and will bring us through to joy, is a gift.  It brings hope, and oftentimes, hope is all we need to endure.

The important thing to keep moving and healing; but how does a person do this?

How to cope with grief during this time:

1.  Give the loss/grief a name:   This sounds easy, and sometimes it is.  The death of a loved one is full of hurt and loss, and can be very was to put a name to.  Other losses, like the loss of a tradition, children growing and moving, loss of independence, and so on, can be much more difficult to name.  Often times, we are not even sure ourselves why we are down or sad, but it is important to take time to do an inventory and recognize that a loss is being experienced.

There is a book by Kenneth J. Doka published in 2002 called "Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice".  In it he discusses the many types of loss that are felt deeply by the one experiencing it, but not necessarily recognized by society.  The declining memory or physical abilities of an aging parent is an example (felt by both the child and the parent), and child spending time in jail or a treatment facility, death of a pet, even the death of an ex-spouse can all be labeled disenfranchised grief.  Take time to recognize what the loss is and why it is felt as loss.

2.  Give yourself permission to feel the grief:  People who are grieving are often told to "move on" or "get over it"-this can be very detrimental to the one experiencing loss.  It gives the idea that it is not ok to be sad or feel the loss.  This will lead to isolation and the person feeling like they are all alone in their grief.  If you are experiencing a loss, give yourself permission to feel the grief, to be less than joyous at this time.  If you know someone who is grieving, give them time and permission to be down and feel sad.  This may not seem like a big deal, but to give someone a safe place to grieve is a huge gift.

3.  Give a voice to the grief/loss:  What this means is this-talking about the loss is essential to healing! Talking gives the person a chance to process what they are feeling, ask for support and feel the love and encouragement from family/friends.  When loss or grief is talked about, it has the potential to decrease the feelings of isolation.  Talking about good times and the feelings that are arising from the loss can be extremely cathartic.  This makes it easier to heal.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about the benefits of friendship and loved ones.  We are created to be relational beings, and that is also true in our grief.  We all need to lean on someone at one time or another.  Recognize that feeling sadness during the holidays is ok, and that talking about it with friends or family does not detract from their joy.

4.  Reach out for help:  I have to be honest here, it this is really hard for me.  I am stubborn and don't like to show others my weaknesses; I want to be seen as strong.  That being said, the truth is, we all need help from time to time.  There are times when we offer help, and there are times when we receive it.  If the loss or grief is overwhelming, and you are feeling like there is no hope, thinking of suicide or not able to see a way out, get professional help immediately.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone who is grieving, is listen.  Other times, we can take steps to help them heal.  Encouraging them to be with people who love them, that its ok to laugh one minute and feel deeply sad the next, offering to just spend time with them, are all great ways to help a grieving person.  Reminding them that God is near and feels their pain and will one day bring happiness back to their hearts, is also great.  There are so many verses that are encouraging during times of loss, this website has a wonderful listing of them to remind us how great and powerful God is in our times of loss:

    Encouraging Bible verses about Grief

5.  Do for others:  When we give to or do for others, we have an opportunity to see the difference we can make for others.  Helping others helps us begin to heal our hearts.  God calls us to take care of one another, and to be able to do so in our grief is a special gift to God (and to ourselves for that matter).  This will not take away all the pain or heal the heart completely, but it is a step.  A bonus of helping others is that it reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering.

6. Remember that you are an individual:  This is an important point-every person feels loss differently and heals in their own time.  There is no right way to grieve.  As individuals, some will want to talk a lot about the loss, others will just want to be involved in holiday traditions (and may not discuss much). Still others will have be a mix of these two approaches.  All are ok. 

In the same line of thinking, grief is not a linear process.  One minute (or day or week) may be full of sadness, tears and deep feelings of loss, the next may be more resigned, happy or even guilt filled.  Grief and loss is a process similar to a roller coaster-you are strapped in and going for a ride filled with ups, downs and a few loops!  It ok to go through these, expect that feelings will change dramatically and possibly often, and give yourself permission to feel the emotions as they come.

I hope this post is helpful if you are experiencing a loss/grief or if you know someone who is.

"The Little Drummer Boy" Inspires- It's More than Just A Song

As hard as it may be to believe, I have three separate conversations about the song, "The Little Drummer Boy" today.  I am taking this to mean, that I am being lead to write about my thoughts on this beloved Christmas carol, so hear it goes.

"The Little Drummer Boy" was written in 1941 by Katherine K. Davis.  Although there is some debate over whether she had other collaborators or how she was inspired to write the song, there is no debate that it is a classical Christmas carol.  For more information on the debate surrounding the composing of the piece, please refer to History? Because it's Here Website .

I have always loved Christmas carols of all sorts.  Some are funny or cute, and some are deeply moving and beloved.  "The Little Drummer Boy" is one that meets both standards.  It is fun to sing, which is why so many children love it, and when you stop to consider the lyrics, it is truly a beautifully written song.

The premise of the song is that a little boy, who is apparently not well off, goes to see the newborn King.  Everyone is bringing gifts, but he realizes he doesn't have a gift that's "fit to give a king", so he offers to play his drum.  With Mary's consent, the boy plays his very best for the baby king-who is delighted by the playing.

Katherine K Davis, never stated what she believed the deeper meaning of the song to be, often stating it just wrote itself, but I have thought of the message of these lyrics often as I was growing up.  The drummer boy was poor, he had nothing that the world would feel was fit to offer a king.  He looked deep inside him and realized that he had a gift he could share.

I think too often, we get caught up in what others think of us, what others have to offer or what others have, period.  We forget that we are all given special, unique gifts by God.  We are called in scripture to use our gifts to the best of our ability.  We are called to use our gifts to serve others, to serve God and to promote his will.  Look at the following verses for example:

• Romans 12:6-9a "We have different gifts according to the grace given to each of us.  If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith.  If it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. Love must be sincere"
• 1Peter 4:10  "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of Gods grace in its various forms."
• 1Corinthians 4:2 "Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful"

See?  God entrusts each of us with special gifts-multiple gifts that he compiled to create a very specific individual person.  There never has been, nor will there ever be, another person with your exact gifts and talents in the proportions you have them.  Isn't that an incredible thought?  So your responsibility, as well as mine, is to use our gifts to the very best of our abilities and to use them to do good. 

That is exactly what the little drummer boy did-he played his best for baby Jesus!  For the little drummer boy to use his gift, and play his very best for the king, meant more to Jesus than any gift brought by other visitors.  He searches our hearts, and it is what is in our hearts, why we give what we do that matters to him.  Remember the story of the poor woman who gave the last of her money to the church when Jesus came to town?  Not really, you say?  Go back and re-read the gospel of  Mark 12:41-44.  Jesus notes that while she gave less than others, she really gave more because she gave what she had, while others gave out of wealth.

This song has caused me to reflect on whether I use my gifts to the best of my ability for years.  If I am honest, I have to admit, that too often, I don't.  For example, I have had a passion for writing since I was a child.  Since grade school, I have wanted to write a book, but I never have.  In fact, until I started this blog, I did very little to use the gift of writing that I was blessed with.

"The Little Drummer Boy" has been sung and redone many times since 1941, but this year, an A Cappella group called Pentatonix has put together a rendition that is taking over the viral world, and it's easy to see why.  The group sings with passion and the lyrics simple, but beautiful message is highlighted by the A Cappella singing.  Give it a listen, then think about whether you have played your best for Christ this season.

Follow your Dreams or Not?

Over the years, I have heard it said a million different ways, "Follow your dreams", "Be true to yourself", and "follow your heart".    The intention is to do what you love, what you are passionate about and what makes you happiest, but some people take it too far.

Following your dreams is great- if done responsibly and in a manner which does not cause harm to others.  For example, a  20 something year old who is single and has no children may decide one day to quit his job, pack up his things and move across the country t try his hand at starting his own business teaching people to surf in Miami.  It doesn't matter to him that he has no experience teaching people how to surf, or even that he has no business knowledge at all- he is passionate about surfing and feels that he wants to teach as many people as possible.  Good for him.  He can afford to pursue the dream in earnest- if he fails, he is the only one who pays for his failures.  If he succeeds, he can be sure that he was the one who worked hard and achieved his dreams.

Now, take the same dream, but instead of a 20 something year old, inject a 50 year old man, who has been married for nearly 30 years and has three children- all in school and living at home.  The same man, if he quits his job and moves away to follow his heart and be true to himself, is not in danger of only hurting himself if he fails.  He now has four other people depending on him.  His pursuit of a dream becomes irresponsible instead of an adventurous event in his life.

Todays society, it seems, has become so focused on the individual, that we forget, or no longer care, about our responsibilities.  We forget that when we took our wedding vows, it was for forever, not for now.  We don't fight to make things right- all to often we treat the person we vowed to love and cherish as a disposable item (More on this tomorrow), and we walk away.  We walk off jobs after disagreements with our bosses, we stop taking an interest in our children's lives because it is no longer convenient.

The value of hard work, for hard works sake, is disappearing.  We are looking more into ourselves, and less into the world.  We no longer feel that we have social responsibilities to care for the poor, the needy, the sick or the old- we now relegate that to the government or to somebody else.  We need to get back to a time when our word meant something- when you didn't need a 3 page contract agreeing to pay a friend back $20, because your word was enough.  We need to get back to remembering that our friends and family, our jobs, our communities and our country all depend on us for things that we must continue to do or this country is at risk of losing what made it so great.

We don't throw away our families- we cherish them and take care of them.  We work hard for our employers, not because we want the raise, but because it's the right thing to do.  We should be taking care of the needy in our own communities because that is what Jesus told us to do.

Does all this mean that we should not follow our dreams?  Not necessarily.  It does mean that we may not be able to pursue them with the reckless abandon of a young adult with no attachments, but we can always pursue our passions with zest and determination.  God would expect nothing less of us, and in fact, is very pleased when we choose to pursue that which He has called us to do.  Lets take the example from earlier in this post- the 50 year old man with a family.  If he wants to move from the midwest to Miami and teach others to surf, he can do so- responsibly.  He can discuss it with his wife, learn the business, connect with other similar businesses in Miami, maybe get a job to learn the competencies needed for success, then he could start his business.

Other people pursue their passions and dreams when not working a 9-5 job.  This is a great way to recharge and invigorate yourself after a long workweek.  Keeping focus on what we love is important, it pushes us to do better,  to learn more, to grow, to take risks.  The problem is not in following ones dreams, it is in the fact that far too many people follow their dreams with reckless abandon and runs down those closest to them- this is not how God calls us to treat one another.

So follow your dreams, but do so with an eye on your responsibilities.  Also, do what it takes to develop the talent you will need to succeed.  Desire is only one part of achieving dreams, you have to take risks, but you also have to work hard.  If you want to act, take a class.  If you want to play a sport, join a league, read about it, alter your diet, train- no great athlete just shows up for the game and plays well.  They prepare for the game, work at it all week, all season, they train, eat right, nurse injuries, rely on coaches for advice, and practice.  All dreams take the same commitment and hard work.

If you cannot or are not willing to put in the hard work, then what you have is a desire, not a dream.  It may be time for self examination to determine what your true passions are.  Lets all do society a favor and agree that if we cannot follow our dreams while taking care of our current responsibilities (which we chose to take on), then we will not do so.  Far too many spouses and children have been devastated by someone wanting to "be true to themselves".  How about we try and be true to each other?

the Strength within Us All

The strength of most people amazes me.  Through the years, I have had the privilege to walk along side people as they were asked to endure great hardships in life.  Some were more than most would be able to endure.  Time and again, I have been amazed by the resiliency and strength that the human spirit is able to muster up.

From losing a loved one too soon, to life altering tragedies- people have the unbelievable ability to survive.  I have sat with a son who held his mothers hand as she passed from this life, not ready to say good-bye to the woman who cared for him his entire life, and watched him turn around and comfort the staff who felt the loss of that incredible woman.  

We have all heard stories of people who have overcome great tragedy and found success.  The ING New York City Marathon is full of these stories- all the para-athletes, the first time marathoners, those who have overcome personal losses; all run for different reasons, all succeeded.

When life gets you down, and it feels as if you cannot go on- it is so important to remember that your God created you for a purpose.  He gave you every single thing that you will need to get through every trial that He asks you to walk through.  Our God never promised us that being followers of His would make our lives easy, or that we would never experience hardship, but He did promise us that He would be there with us.

Philippians 4:13 is a well known verse, but I think summarizes the human spirit perfectly, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength".   What a comfort!  How many times I have heard people, believers and non-believers alike utter these words.  God gives us the strength we need when we need it, if we just believe and rely on him.

With all recent increase in reported violence in the news, I am forced to wonder if these men knew their Lord?  The shootings at LAX, the Washington Navy Yard, the mall in New Jersey- all great tragedies that should never have happened.  They point to a great depth of loneliness, desperation and weakness on the parts of the perpetrators.  It saddens me that anyone feels so desperate and alone, that they would ever feel the need to end their lives, or the lives of anyone else.  

If they knew the power of Christ, they would know that He walks with them, He feels their pain and suffering and He always has bigger and better plans for us then we ever have for ourselves.  When God allowed  Satan to afflict and test Job, even Job felt despondent and lonely, in Job 10:1 he states "I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free reign to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul".  In the end, Job came to understand that Gods knowledge and wisdom is greater than his and that Gods love for him was more than he could ever comprehend.  He learned to trust God and to find patience in suffering.

I have seen people undergo long illnesses and keep their spirits high; they all point to God for their strength.  We need to keep encouraging one another and reminding each other, that within each of us is the incredibly strong human spirit, which has been created and is nurtured by God to help us walk through trials, which will shape us into better people and bring us to bigger and better things!