For years, I have had very low self esteem. I'm not sure why. Sure, I could blame it on my childhood, or some traumatic event, but let's be honest here-every day we get up and make decisions about how we will think, feel and act. We get to choose every single day who we are and who we want to be-this is shown by the millions of people who have that proverbial "ah-ha moment" and instantly change their lives.
So, no excuses about my low self esteem. The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice. I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.
A perfect example of this, is in my marriage. Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me. If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist. I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.
So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily. I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short. I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing. Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first. I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.
For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage. The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself. I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me. This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it. I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).
Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever. He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry). We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.
When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles. I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching. I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone. I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see. I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that. I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.
See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him. I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad. I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better. That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage. I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.
I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend. I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt. He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay. He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings. He said something to me that changed my life forever. We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate. If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it. Until then, you can't really be mad".
I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks. In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me. I began to focus on what i did right in my life. I was, and am, a good mother. I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart. I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.
Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need. We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of. Today, we are still a work in progress. I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more. This drives me crazy.
If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things. That is the effort he makes. What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.
He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate. However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness. I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.
I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage. I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too. I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker. He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.
My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all. I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all. I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be. He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant. I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will find peace on this issue.
In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.
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