When What was Acceptable is No Longer OK

For years, I have had very low self esteem.  I'm not sure why.  Sure, I could blame it on my childhood, or some traumatic event, but let's be honest here-every day we get up and make decisions about how we will think, feel and act.  We get to choose every single day who we are and who we want to be-this is shown by the millions of people who have that proverbial "ah-ha moment" and instantly change their lives.

So, no excuses about my low self esteem.  The truth is, that I presented myself as very confident and outgoing, by choice.  I was, and continue to be, confident in my stance and position on things, but I genuinely want to be liked by others, and I find that I am frequently concerned that others will find me not worthy of their love, so I accept behaviors from others that I know is wrong.

A perfect example of this, is in my marriage.  Since, I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married to a man who loved me and cared for me.  If I had to get all psychological on me, I would say it was because I spent much of my childhood, caring for others, and I was tired; but, alas, I am not a psychologist.  I always wanted a man who would look out for me, defend me to others and really think I was the greatest gift to him.

So, once I fell in love and got married, I set out to be the perfect wife-falling short daily.  I admit it, I am not a great housekeeper, I can't cook at all, and my temper is short.  I learned to deal with conflict by yelling then moving on, which is not exactly nurturing.  Knowing this, I put up with my husband becoming selfish and putting himself first.  I told myself that if he can put up with my short comings, I could put up with his-even if it made me feel terrible.

For nearly 20 years, I sat back as he commandeered vacations, took over weekend plans, controlled the finances, and made nearly every major decision in our marriage.  The problem was, as I grew older, I began to find myself.  I slowly learned to stand up and to like me for me.  This caused some friction in our marriage, but we worked through it.  I learned to calmly stand my ground and to let go of old hurts (after all, it wasn't his fault if I rolled over and gave in, how could I hold him responsible for that now?).

Then, about five years ago, something happened that changed everything for ever.  He flirted with another woman in front of me, saw nothing wrong with it and could not understand why I was upset (to this day, I don't think he understands why I was so hurt and angry).  We had a huge fight, I asked him to leave for a few days so I could think about things, and to his credit, he did.

When this happened, I felt my life was in shambles.  I completely fell apart and needed to do some deep soul searching.  I was living 450 miles from family or friends and felt alone.  I looked inside myself and saw what I never wanted to see.  I created a marriage in which it was ok for him to do that.  I had to hold some of the blame-not all, but some.

See, for years, he would come home late, not follow through on promises, or would just disregard what i was feeling, and I made excuses for him.  I told myself to focus on the good, let go of the bad.  I told myself that I couldn't do better, that with my shortcomings, I didn't deserve better.  That afternoon, I found myself in a house alone, in a town with no friends, no family, and no marriage.  I was thinking of leaving, of starting over alone, but that idea scared the hell out of me.

I talked with my boss, who at that time was also a friend.  I shared with him how I was feeling and the betrayal I felt.  He, being a christian, encouraged me to stay.  He reminded me that we are all human with shortcomings.  He said something to me that changed my life forever.  We were sitting in my office with the door closed, talking, and he said to me "If you have taught him that it was ok to treat you like that, then you can't blame your husband for being inconsiderate.  If you want to be treated better, then you have to teach him what that means and how to do it.  Until then, you can't really be mad".

I was so angry at first, mainly because I knew he was right.  I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks.  In that time, I decided to find a way to love me first; then and only then, could I teach my husband how to love me.  I began to focus on what i did right in my life.  I was, and am, a good mother.  I am loyal, I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, I am honest and I love with my whole heart.  I am determined and strong, and I am a child of God.

Through the past five years, I have worked to teach my husband what I need.  We have gone into counseling, we have talked, read books, and every other thing I could think of.  Today, we are still a work in progress.  I have found that if I give him a direct list, a check list of sorts, he will do what I ask, but no more.  This drives me crazy.

If I say to him, "every morning, I need you to clean up after your birds, make the bed, and say good morning to me" or "when we are talking, I need you to close your computer and look at me", he will do those things.  That is the effort he makes.  What he doesn't do is try to learn what I need and do things that he thinks will make me happy- I must tell him.

He is bipolar, and I believe this has some effect on his ability to be caring and compassionate.  However, if I were to be completely honest, I also think that he is lazy and selfish and that he uses his bipolar as an excuse for his laziness and selfishness.  I used to get really angry when he would only focus on him, and not include me at all-now it makes me sad.

I'm sad because I know that I deserve better, and because I know that he is preventing us from having a great marriage.  I know what we are missing simply because he is lazy and selfish, and I know that he is missing out too.  I am sad, because instead of being a wife to my beloved husband, I have become a caretaker.  He has settled into a position of taking all the time and never giving, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know the joy of caring for someone else, or the gift of giving just to give.

My esteem is higher now, I see that I am a wonderful woman-shortcomings and all.  I see that my husband is a wonderful man, shortcomings and all.  I also see that we deal with our shortcomings ver differently-I push myself to get better, to do better, to always be the best I can be.  He is ok with making excuses, letting others do for him, and staying stagnant.  I am working on not being so sad, about this, and I pray that I will  find peace on this issue.

In the meantime, I will continue to try and teach my husband how to love me, like I deserve to be loved-and I will try to love him as he deserves to be loved.

True Love-What are Realistic Expectation?

When I was first married, I had these grand ideas of what marriage would be like.  I had visions of romance filled nights, quiet mornings with coffee and breakfast in bed, and a life of passion.  It did not take long for the truth to set in.

Busy work life, a child and finance problems coupled with differences in how each of us saw the world, and dealt with problems, quickly led to more fights than romance.  The tension was not what I had dreamed of, and to be honest, I often wondered if we made the right decision.  I mean, how in love could we be if we are always angry with one another?

I have spent the past twenty years looking for romance and love.  I have tried to change how I look, how I react, and how I think to be the "perfect wife" so that my husband would love me as I wanted and needed to be loved.  I held on to my old dreams of what love was, but was it realistic?

Through the years, I have told my husband over and over that I did not feel loved, and he has told me over and over that he loves me very much.  This disconnect, left me feeling like maybe we never really knew each other.  Still, our life together was great.

True, we did not have great passion, or the romance of dreams; but we did have a beautiful home, a wonderful son and we did enjoy spending time together.  We had a content family life, and eventually I learned to live with it, all the while holding on to past visions of what "true marriage" was.

Recently, I began to think about this.  I wondered what true love looked like and whether my expectations were realistic. I took an honest look at what I wanted and why, and what was reasonable to expect from my beloved husband.  What I learned was a shock to me.

I learned that the old adage "love is a verb" is very true.  Romans 12:9-12 states "Love must be without hypocrisy.  Detest evil; cling to what is good.  Show family affection to one another with brotherly love.  Outdo one another in showing honor.  Do not lack diligence; be fervent in spirit; serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer."  That is the definition of love to me.

Two people being honorable, trying to do better for each other, feeling affectionate towards one another-that is the perfect image of marriage for me.  Two people who have decided to spend their lives together, becoming one, and merging their beings together.  I soon realized that I was unrealistic.  Passionate romance that we see in movies and on TV, is not real life.

Real life if full of busy weeknights, messy homes, crazy busy schedules, work stress, health problems, emotional breakdowns, heartbreak, and laughter.  To have someone who is there for me when I fall, who thinks I am amazing, especially when I can't see it, and who will lift me up when I need it, is an amazing feeling.  When I had visions of romance, it was because I wanted to be the center of someones world, and that is what the media shows us about this.  But thats the media, they sell dreams and ask us to believe the unbelievable.

My husband prays for my well being, and that of our son.  He is concerned when I am not feeling well, and can tell when I feel insecure (even when no one else can).  He knows what makes me feel beautiful and what hurts me the most.  He knows my heart, and he tries his best to care for it.  When I am successful, he is not jealous, he is truly happy for me.  He celebrates my successes.

This was made evident to me recently, when I was completely stressed about taking care of the house, and dogs while returning to a stressful job.  I am almost obsessive about having my house clean to my standards, which others tell me is unrealistic (I'm seeing a trend with my expectations here).  A while back, we even had a professional housekeeper come in weekly, and I was not pleased with the teams work.  I found little things that they missed and it drove me crazy.

Anyway, my husband was aware of this.  Of course, it wasn't too hard to figure out since I developed a chores list and schedule for each of us to keep the house up.  On our first Saturday home, he jumped right in!  He hates cleaning, and truthfully, he doesn't understand why it's so important to me, but it did not matter that morning.  He swept, he tidied up, he even mopped.  It lessened my stress level and made me think that everything will be ok.

Then it hit me- maybe this was love.  To be willing to do what you don't want, simply to make the other person feel better, to put them at ease and let them know you understand.  I still want romance, but I think I have come to the realization that sometimes it is enough to have someone who looks out for me, who will sweep and mop to put my soul at rest and who will do dishes when I simply cannot look at another sink full of water, but need to get the dishes done.

It feels good to be revamping my expectations.  I still struggle; primarily because I want the best of everything, but that is my struggle.  I still get hurt feelings, when my husband doesn't say what I want to hear, but it's ok.  He loves me in his way, by doing.

Forgiveness- A Gift to Ourselves

Forgiveness-it's a big word, isn't it?  When we have been hurt by another person, the Bible tells us to forgive them.  The word is very clear-we are to offer forgiveness to anyone who offends us, but that can be hard for us.

When someone has offended our sensibilities, hurt us more than we thought possible or betrayed us, forgiveness does not always come so easily.  We think if God understood how badly we have been hurt, he would not want us to forgive; plus we have the right to experience righteous anger right?

Of course there is righteous anger.  Let's be clear on this point though, righteous anger is being angry over sin that offends God.  We are permitted to be angry over things like murder, pornography, abuse of any kind, and human trafficking.  However, in our anger, we are not to sin against another.  It is not ok to use Gods name in vain, be abusive or hurtful to another person or do anything that would offend God using our "righteous anger" as justification.

That being said, most of us hold grudges or refuse to forgive those who are closest to us for violations that would seem minor to others.  We get upset with a friend for a misspoken word or a deed left undone.  We get upset with our spouse for not knowing how to comfort us and meet us where we are at or for not helping with chores.  We refuse to forgive a co-worker who took credit for our work or gossiped about us behind our backs.  Sometimes, the hurts are bigger; an unfaithful spouse, a friend who has turned their backs on us in our time of need, or loved ones who steal from us.

We are still called to forgive.  Imagine how Jesus felt.  He lived the perfect life that we never could- he never sinned against man or God.  In the end, he was betrayed by one of his own.  When he was in the garden of Gethsamane, Matthew tells us that Jesus' soul was heavy with trouble and sadness, he asked his closest friends to pray with him.  Know what they did?  They fell asleep! (Matt 26:36-46) and not once, but twice!  Think about this, Jesus, the Messiah, asks you to sit with him and pray because he was so overwhelmed with emotion, would you fall asleep?  I don't think I would, but his friends did.

Then he was turned over to the soldiers by Judas, one of his inner circle.  Jesus did not get angry, he did not sin in his response, in fact he corrected one of his followers when they drew a sword to protect him!  When he was beaten, tortured and nailed to a cross for our sin, he still acted in love.  He offered forgiveness on the cross to the sinner next to him who asked for it. Did you catch that?

Here's Jesus, mistreated, abused, about to be put to death by the people he came to save, and yet, in his misery, he is able to offer forgiveness to another.  He even prayed for those who hurt him!  As he is nearing his death, he calls out to his father "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).  I don't know about you, but when I am hurt by someone, I am not that quick to pray for their forgiveness.

We are called to forgive others though.  We are sinful creatures, that means that we sin regularly, and unfortunately we will be sinned against.  When we are sinned against, it is important to turn the other cheek (Luke 6:29), and to forgive one another (Eph 4:32, Col 3:13).  Jesus tells us to look inward before we judge to harshly the motives of others (Matt 7:5), this can be hard, but is essential to forgiveness.

We must remember that we do not know another persons heart-only God knows what is in our hearts, our truest intentions, our motives.  We can lie to one another, even to ourselves, but we cannot lie to God-he knows that truth about us.  Our experiences, our history, our perceptions often lead to us reacting in a certain way, or treating others in a hurtful manner-though it's not our intention to hurt one another.

How many times have you offered what you believed was a kind and supportive word, only to find out later that your words caused hurt and pain, or frustration?  I know I do that more often that I care to admit.  A prime example of this is a conversation I recently had with my son.  He lives across the country as a graduate student, and it has been almost a year since we have seen him.  He and I were talking about Christmas and whether he could come home or not.  He offered a few reasons why he may need to stay in Seattle (needing to work on thesis, money, time, etc).  Being a mom who missed her son, and felt that he would benefit from the connection of family, I offered solutions to each reason- he could work on his paper here, his dad and I would help with the cost of a ticket, and he needed some rest.  Long story short, he is coming home (and I could not be more excited), but he felt frustrated by my responses.   We talked and have moved on, but I never intended to frustrate him or make him feel like he was not being heard-sometimes our intentions and outcomes do not align.

Forgiveness is essential to finding peace and
learning to love one another

Forgiveness is important.  It not only overlooks little offenses, but it offers us peace and contentment.  To hold onto anger, frustration, grief-it eats us up from the inside.  Holding negative feelings in, creates physical problems such as cardiac disease, ulcers, strokes, and so on.  No health issue comes from having a sense of peace and contentment!

When we let go of the anger, we are free to deal with others in love, as Jesus calls us to.  We are free to be happy and to grow.  We are able to find joy in our lives and see the best in others-how can that be a bad thing?

Forgiveness is a choice-it is not a feeling.  We can't wait until we feel like forgiving, for the just to heal itself-we have to make a conscious choice to forgive, to let it go and let God deal with the other persons offenses.  We need to know that God is just and perfect in his judgement.  We have to make a conscious decision to move on and to mend our hearts.  This can be extremely difficult, but the reward is so worth it!

"yes, that's all great" you are saying, "but how do I choose to let it go and move on?".  Good question! To begin with, you need to remember that you have sinned and have hurt others too, sometimes deliberately, sometimes inadvertently.  You have been the beneficiary of forgiveness in the past, remember those times, how relieved and grateful you felt when you were forgiven.  We have to pray to God to show us how to let go of the anger and forgive.

Forgiveness is a matter of what in our hearts, it's an attitude.  We cannot be a forgiving person if we are in Gods word daily, or if we do not have a growing relationship with Christ.  We need to stop listening to the secular world which tells us that we are right to be angry over every offense and that we are expected to be assertive enough to not let others take advantage of us.  We have to return to our call to be servants of one another, to forgive and to love one another.

The peace that comes from forgiving others is all consuming.  Other people can see the inner peace in us when we have a forgiving heart.  I have a few friends who embrace forgiveness-one, in particular, is great at holding others accountable but doing so in love.  I have never heard him raise his voice, in almost 15 years of friendship-his family says he never does.  He is quick to forgive, and is very much at peace with whatever is happening in the moment.

 When I was younger, I held on to every offense, thinking that it was a sign of weakness to "let them get away with that".  I have since learned that once I was able to forgive others, for big and small offenses, I had the joy of living life to the fullest.  I was free to move on and focus on what was truly important.   I now focus on moving past, letting go and keeping my eyes on the end results.  I try to remember that I need forgiveness from others more often than I care to, and that daily, I need forgiveness from God.

One final thought, remember that the Bible tells us to offer forgiveness, but a Biblical model of forgiveness requires that there be repentance.  The Bible is full of stories of God not offering forgiveness to stiff necked or hard hearted people.  Mark 1:15, Luke 13:3,5 and Acts 3:19 all point to the importance of repentance.  The offender needs to recognize that they have done something hurtful or wrong, and they need to be sorry, and repent.  This can take on many different views or appearances, but it essential that it happens.

Entire books have been written on the subject of forgiveness.  I understand that this is not an exhaustive study by any means, but it's a beginning.

Praying for Loved Ones

One of the best things we can do for those we love is pray for them-not a casual, fleeting thought of them during our prayers, but fervent, diligently pray for them.  Over the years, I have come to learn and believe in the power of prayer, although, I have not always been willing to share my experiences for fear of what my "friends" or family would think of me.

However, as I have grown closer to Christ, one of the things I have come to see is the power of personal testimony.  I pray for my friends and family daily- I even keep a prayer journal to help me remember specific requests that have been made to me.  I try to follow up on a regular basis as often as possible, and when I can I tack the results of the prayers.  This follow up is more for me-when I struggle, it is comforting to me to go back and see the numerous answers to prayers that I have forgotten I ever prayed.

To pray for our loved ones is to really love them.  It is seeking out the best for them, with or without their knowledge.  I have had people pray for me in times of need, and I can tell you from experience, that I was comforted by the knowledge that others were calling out to God for me.  It's like having a friend call in the calvary when someone is picking on you.

That being said, I have had a several people ask me how to pray for others.  There is, of course, the traditional, fleeting prayer that we often hear children utter; the classic"God bless so and so".  This is fine, God knows what blessings we all need and is quick to respond and provide for us, but there are other ways to pray for our loved ones.

Specific Requests:
I have often prayed for specific requests, when friends or family have asked me to.  For someone to ask another person to pray for them, is a call for help.  It is an extremely vulnerable position to tell others that we need help, even more so to be clear and specific in what we are struggling with.  To tell someone we love and respect that we need help with our health, our mental struggles, our physical or spiritual struggles creates in us an openness to be hurt, ridiculed or rejected.  When we are asked to offer prayer, we need to remember that the other person is open to us and our reactions can reverberate more than we realize.

When praying for specific requests, it is important to be clear, concise and gentle.  Remembering that it is an honor when our loved ones ask us to pray for them.  Also, when possible, pray in the moment with the person.  People ask for prayer when they are most in need.  When we take a moment, and offer a prayer in the moment, we model our faith, we show the other person that their heart is important to us, and we prove to them that we take the request seriously.

Unrequested Prayers:
Sometimes, we see a need that others may not be ready to see.  Perhaps a loved one has walked away from the faith, they are living a secular life, but they cannot see how far they have walked from Christ, or someone is dealing with an addiction that they don't recognize, or maybe they have trouble coping with emotions (depression, anxiety, anger, etc).  It is when we offer prayers for loved ones, that we perhaps offer the greatest gift.

To pray for someones heart, soul and life- and to do so quietly- is such a gift.  It means that we are not using God or prayer as a way to manipulate or guilt others into doing what we want, but that we genuinely are concerned for them.  I personally have prayed several times for family who have walked away from the faith.  When my son was a teenager, I prayed often that if he was doing something that was ungodly and potentially harmful, that he would be discovered and have to deal with the consequences.  The purpose was not to have my son live as I wanted him to, but rather to have him be guided towards a safe and godly life.

Don't misunderstand this point- if you pray for someones unrequested needs, and you tell them that you are doing this, you risk doing great harm to that persons faith and personal journey with Christ.

Tips for Praying for others:

1. When praying for others, remember the vulnerability of the person, and treat requests with respect and honor.  
2. If someone asks you to pray for them, offer to pray in the moment-not just "I'll keep you in my prayers".
3. Praying for others is a gift, we can request what we want, but in the end, we must remember that God does for us what is best.  We need to seek His will and be honoring of his answers.
4. Keeping a prayer journal can be a powerful reminder of Gods grace and creativity in His answers.

We should all pray for each other how can I pray for each of you today?

Disposable People?

In todays society with over 50% divorce rate, and the apparent increase in violent crime- it seems as though we have forgotten what a gift life is.  We have made each other disposable- when things get tough or go awry, our first choice is all to often to walk away from each other.  Where does this come from?

I believe we have always done this- to a point- but in todays age it takes on a whole new level.  With technology changing so quickly, we are programmed to upgrade, and replace pieces of equipment when they fail.  Get the newest phone or be out of date- our worth is determined by the price of the car we drive, the phone we carry and how many "friends" we have on social networking.  It can be overwhelming and so easy to fall prey to.

Cars, phones, and other material possessions are just that- possessions, things to be owned.  We are not meant to be owned by them.  Nor are we meant to judge another persons worthiness or credibility based on what their wallet has permitted them to purchase.  It's all smoke and mirrors, isn't it?

Let me share a story that may exemplify this point.  When I was just starting college, my uncle, who was a roofer, wanted to buy a new truck.  He had saved his money for years to purchase a new truck, and went to the show room one day after work.  No cell phone, wearing tar covered, torn jeans, and driving an old rusty truck- he walked into the dealership.  To his amazement, 5 sales people walked right past him- one even dismissing him when he asked for help!

Then, as Fred was getting ready to leave the dealership, a young man walked up to him and asked if he could help Fred.  It was obvious the young man was new to selling cars- Fred stated that he looked to be about the age of 19 or 20- he was nervous, but genuine.  Fred pointed to the truck that he had selected and stated "I'll take that one".  The young man began to ask about what price Fred wanted to pay (let the negotiations begin!), but Fred stated, that he would pay the sticker price.  He asked if they would take a check, and when the young man said yes, Fred wrote him a check on the spot.

This made the young mans day to be sure!  No financing, no negotiating, no hassles.  All he had to do was look past the lack of fancy gadgets, and fine clothes- he looked at Fred as a man, as worthy of good service as any other man.  The other sales people should have learned too.  Five others walked past him because he didn't look like someone who could afford a new truck.  What a shame.

How often do we do the exact same thing?  We look at someone with the newest toys and think they must have it all together for some reason.  That phone was state of the art a few months ago, is now old and seems to be no good anymore.  We treat people the same way.

Wife gets you really mad? Divorce her.  Friends not supportive enough?  Toss them out of your life and walk away.  Job getting tough?  Quit and find a better one.  We treat each other like the newest gadgets- as long as they serve us, we want them; but as soon as they cross us or cannot benefit us in the moment, we want to toss them out with the trash and find the next best thing.

The important thing here is that we are people, not things.  We were created for relationship- and that relationship is to be with God and with each other.  We often forget what a miracle and wondrous gift life is- what a gift our relationships are.  Family, those chosen by God to be in relationship with us, and friends, those lead to us by God, but chosen by us to be in our lives, are essential to our self esteem, our self worth and our well being.  Research has shown for decades that humans require contact, physical, and social.  Take away true meaningful connection, and the human brain begins to suffer irreparable harm.

We need to problem solve, to work through our differences whenever possible.  Cutting a person out to our lives needs to the exception, not the standard practice.  Marriages, family life, friendships, they are all hard, and require great effort and sacrifice on our behalf.  That being said, it is so worth it if we are willing to do the work.  True, meaningful relationships change us for the better.  They give us a sense of security, a safe place to be, a chance to honestly meet the world head on.  When we have strong relationships,  we are more willing to take chances and risks.  We push harder to be better, to excel, to be the best we can be.

Let's take time to work on our relationships, with real communication, and stop making each other so disposable.

Conflict Resolution

What family doesn't have conflict from time to time?  Even the strongest marriages, and healthiest families experience conflicts.  Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides one definition for conflict as "a difference that prevents agreement, a disagreement between ideas, feelings, etc"- has humans we are bound to disagree and see the world differently due to different personalities, histories and perceptions.

Successful conflict resolution involves a few strategies, but it is
worth taking the time to lean them for a stronger family.

Conflict is not necessarily negative in families- it provides an opportunity for each party to grow, to learn about the other and to exchange ideas in constructive and healthy ways.  When done right, conflict can actually teach us how to negotiate with others in the world and to see other points of view.  The problem arises when we handle conflict inappropriately.

Things like name calling, yelling, character assassination all contribute to the shut down of communication- they do not promote healthy, respectful communication.  We must remember when we have a difference of opinion, or see the world differently, that the other person, feels that their perception, their opinion is just as right and valid as we feel ours is.  We learn the most of who our family members are, when we learn to stop and really listen to what they have to say.

When we take time to be respectful, conflict tends to resolve itself much more quickly- often with both parties feeling more satisfied than if they had yelled and screamed until one or the other felt beat down and bullied into submission.  Below are some brief guidelines, shown to be effective at conflict resolution, and can be used with adults and children of nearly all ages.

Keys to Effective Conflict Resolution within Families:

1. Speak calmly- refrain from raising your voice whenever possible.  Sometimes, an idea or concept is something we are passionate about, if you find that you are getting more vocal and louder, take a deep breath, lower your voice and continue speaking calmly.  Research shows that when one person in a disagreement raises his/her voice, the other person does too, and this continues in an upward spiral until wither both parties are yelling loudly and not listening, or one party decides to stop the cycle.
2. Listen- this sounds easier than it is.  When the other person is talking, do not think ahead to your next argument, your next talking point; really listen to what the other person is saying.  Why do they feel what they feel?  Even if you do not agree, it is important that you try to understand why they think or feel the way they do.  Plus, often times, other people have insight or a new perspective they can offer.  Without listening, you may miss something that could change your position.
3. No name calling- EVER!  This is a big one.   Never , ever, ever call the other person hurtful names or assassinate their character.  To begin with, this is your family- chosen for you by God- they are special and deserve more respect that to be called some vulgar name.  Additionally, research shows, that once a person feels attacked, they will stop listening.  Their willingness to cooperate and meet you half way or to hear your point of view is dead in the water.  Never use name calling to get your point across.
4. Be willing to take a break:  this one is a big one- and was really an important rule in our house when our son was a teenager.  We, as a family, had a rule- if a person was getting too heated or upset during a disagreement, it was ok to say "I need a break, I'm going for a walk (or drive, or run, etc) can we talk about this in an hour?".  The disagreement ended right then, for the agreed time frame, but the person who requested the break was required to restart the discussion.  This was hard for me, who liked to fight to the end, but it taught me to respect other peoples limits.  It also taught all of us to discover our limits, and to be assertive enough to say when we reached them, but respectful enough to continue the needed discussion later without being chased down.  This technique has served all of us in my family well through the years.
5. Be willing to compromise/disagree; sometimes you will have to meet in the middle, other times you will just have to be respectful of the fact that the two of you may never see the world exactly the same.  My husband and I do not agree on some major political issues- they are "hot button" issues for us, so we have chosen not to debate them together, but we are respectful of the other persons position.  Remember that our thoughts, feelings and opinions are shaped by our genetics, experiences, what we have learned, our cultures, and our environment.  With so many things at play, it's no wonder that we don't agree on everything!  However, if we learn to be respectful and treat each other with love and kindness, we can not only resolve conflict effectively and quickly, but we may even learn a thing or two.