Conflict Resolution

What family doesn't have conflict from time to time?  Even the strongest marriages, and healthiest families experience conflicts.  Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides one definition for conflict as "a difference that prevents agreement, a disagreement between ideas, feelings, etc"- has humans we are bound to disagree and see the world differently due to different personalities, histories and perceptions.

Successful conflict resolution involves a few strategies, but it is
worth taking the time to lean them for a stronger family.

Conflict is not necessarily negative in families- it provides an opportunity for each party to grow, to learn about the other and to exchange ideas in constructive and healthy ways.  When done right, conflict can actually teach us how to negotiate with others in the world and to see other points of view.  The problem arises when we handle conflict inappropriately.

Things like name calling, yelling, character assassination all contribute to the shut down of communication- they do not promote healthy, respectful communication.  We must remember when we have a difference of opinion, or see the world differently, that the other person, feels that their perception, their opinion is just as right and valid as we feel ours is.  We learn the most of who our family members are, when we learn to stop and really listen to what they have to say.

When we take time to be respectful, conflict tends to resolve itself much more quickly- often with both parties feeling more satisfied than if they had yelled and screamed until one or the other felt beat down and bullied into submission.  Below are some brief guidelines, shown to be effective at conflict resolution, and can be used with adults and children of nearly all ages.

Keys to Effective Conflict Resolution within Families:

1. Speak calmly- refrain from raising your voice whenever possible.  Sometimes, an idea or concept is something we are passionate about, if you find that you are getting more vocal and louder, take a deep breath, lower your voice and continue speaking calmly.  Research shows that when one person in a disagreement raises his/her voice, the other person does too, and this continues in an upward spiral until wither both parties are yelling loudly and not listening, or one party decides to stop the cycle.
2. Listen- this sounds easier than it is.  When the other person is talking, do not think ahead to your next argument, your next talking point; really listen to what the other person is saying.  Why do they feel what they feel?  Even if you do not agree, it is important that you try to understand why they think or feel the way they do.  Plus, often times, other people have insight or a new perspective they can offer.  Without listening, you may miss something that could change your position.
3. No name calling- EVER!  This is a big one.   Never , ever, ever call the other person hurtful names or assassinate their character.  To begin with, this is your family- chosen for you by God- they are special and deserve more respect that to be called some vulgar name.  Additionally, research shows, that once a person feels attacked, they will stop listening.  Their willingness to cooperate and meet you half way or to hear your point of view is dead in the water.  Never use name calling to get your point across.
4. Be willing to take a break:  this one is a big one- and was really an important rule in our house when our son was a teenager.  We, as a family, had a rule- if a person was getting too heated or upset during a disagreement, it was ok to say "I need a break, I'm going for a walk (or drive, or run, etc) can we talk about this in an hour?".  The disagreement ended right then, for the agreed time frame, but the person who requested the break was required to restart the discussion.  This was hard for me, who liked to fight to the end, but it taught me to respect other peoples limits.  It also taught all of us to discover our limits, and to be assertive enough to say when we reached them, but respectful enough to continue the needed discussion later without being chased down.  This technique has served all of us in my family well through the years.
5. Be willing to compromise/disagree; sometimes you will have to meet in the middle, other times you will just have to be respectful of the fact that the two of you may never see the world exactly the same.  My husband and I do not agree on some major political issues- they are "hot button" issues for us, so we have chosen not to debate them together, but we are respectful of the other persons position.  Remember that our thoughts, feelings and opinions are shaped by our genetics, experiences, what we have learned, our cultures, and our environment.  With so many things at play, it's no wonder that we don't agree on everything!  However, if we learn to be respectful and treat each other with love and kindness, we can not only resolve conflict effectively and quickly, but we may even learn a thing or two.