Life Lesson Two years in the Making

People who know me, will attest to the fact that I have a tendency to not ask for help.  This was especially true a few years ago, before my life changed.  I tended to want things done my way, which to me was the right way, and therefore I seldom sought assistance.  I would run myself ragged trying to do everything that I thought needed to get done.  Then I would be frustrated that nobody recognized how hard I worked or offered to help me- crazy right?

I know, but that's how I was.  I thought that I was strong enough and bright enough and creative enough to do it all.  I was confident that no one could do it as well as me, since I was hyper focused on the details (looking back, this is not a good thing, but I thought it was great then).  My life was ruled by being correct, doing everything right, being good enough- so that others would think I was good enough.  My life was dominated by trying to be "good enough"- home, work, friends, church, parenting, walking down the street- everywhere I went there was underlying focus on what others thought of me.

Then on March 3, 2007 I got a call that began a devastating and life altering period in my life.  I lived in Columbus, Ohio at the time and was working when I received a call from a police officer that my mother had passed away in her sleep.  My uncle (who took care of her and myself since I was 6 months old), was so distraught, the police were afraid to leave him.  I needed to get home, but home was a 10 hour drive or an hour long flight.  I flew home with many people surrounding me offering me support and encouragement.

My need to do everything right, and be strong, proved to be an asset, as I was called upon to take care of the funeral arrangements, nurture my uncle through his grief, and be supportive for my husband and son (who both loved my mother very much).  My ability to be decisive and confident in doing things perfectly, pulled me through as I was completely numb.  Friends tired to get me to open up, but I couldn't- fearful that if I did, I would completely unravel.  My mother and I were, I believed very close, but after her funeral, my uncle looked at me and said that he needed to tell me something that was hard for him.  He stated that my mother made him promise her something, and he wasn't sure he could follow through.

I asked him what it was, he said that she wanted everything she had left in the world (which wasn't much) left to him and my son- she didn't want me to have anything.  He wasn't sure why- she never told him.  Feelings of being not good enough flooded over me as I tried to compose myself.  I told him to do what she requested.  So, he took her material items, gave my son her financial savings, and as a gesture that he understood just how painful that request was, he gave me a crystal bell I had bought for her when I was four.

I thought I would never heal- then, over the course of the next two years, I lost my husbands grandparents (four of them) and my uncle.  I was so close to all those we had lost.  I met my husband when I was 15, so I loved his grandparents as if they were my own.  Every loss compounded the hurt, the confusion, and the pain.  When my uncle passed away, people questioned when I had the funeral, where I had it, and who I invited.  It made me question if I did know what I was doing.

My uncle Fred, who helped raise me and
cared for my mother while I was growing up.

In the period of all this loss, I got angry with God, and I grew depressed.  I tried to stay strong for everyone else, but I questioned everything.  Thoughts of not being good enough swirled through my head over and over.  I felt that God took away most of the people who loved me- I felt like He was punishing me for something, and I was angry because I tried so hard to be a good wife, good mother, good daughter, good friend.  Truthfully, I may have walked away from my faith completely during that time, if God wasn't so faithful and so persistent.

Time and again, I could feel His presence,  His words would intermingle with my doubts.  "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows" (Luke 12:7),  "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb"       (Psalm 139:13) , and "For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer 29:11) all crept into my mind over and over.

Finally, remembering the power prayer has had in my life, I prayed with all my soul.  I cried, I sobbed, and I asked God to show me what I was missing.  What became clear to me, in that moment, was that I was too focused on others, not on Him.  I needed to learn to trust Him, to turn my eyes upward, not inward.

The truth is, when we focus on God and His word- life becomes a little easier.  Things that seem catastrophic without Him, are barely a blip in my day with Him.  I still struggle to give up control to God, but I am getting better everyday, with His grace.  I miss my loved ones more than anyone knows. Seven years later, I still miss my mother and occasionally pick up the phone and think I should call her, then remember she is gone.  I miss my uncles wisdom and full belly laugh- I miss the grandparents who loved me for being me, with no expectation to look a certain way or behave a certain way.  I know that my heart will always have an empty spot while I'm here- losing loved ones changes us.

The question is how will it change us?  Will we learn to focus on God and trust His timing, His plans?  or will we allow anger, and sadness to consume us?  It's not an easy choice, but it is a choice.  God pursues us, but He never overtakes us- He will take 99 steps towards us, but we must take the last step and reach for Him.

I have found a sense of peace and contentment that I haven't had before- I doubt that many people in my life knew the pain I went through, but God did.  I know His heart broke for me, especially when I was stubborn and refused to turn to Him in my time of need because I thought I could it myself.  Not anymore- now I put all my faith in God.  I reach for Him daily, several times a day, because I can no longer imagine doing life without Him.