When someone has offended our sensibilities, hurt us more than we thought possible or betrayed us, forgiveness does not always come so easily. We think if God understood how badly we have been hurt, he would not want us to forgive; plus we have the right to experience righteous anger right?
Of course there is righteous anger. Let's be clear on this point though, righteous anger is being angry over sin that offends God. We are permitted to be angry over things like murder, pornography, abuse of any kind, and human trafficking. However, in our anger, we are not to sin against another. It is not ok to use Gods name in vain, be abusive or hurtful to another person or do anything that would offend God using our "righteous anger" as justification.
That being said, most of us hold grudges or refuse to forgive those who are closest to us for violations that would seem minor to others. We get upset with a friend for a misspoken word or a deed left undone. We get upset with our spouse for not knowing how to comfort us and meet us where we are at or for not helping with chores. We refuse to forgive a co-worker who took credit for our work or gossiped about us behind our backs. Sometimes, the hurts are bigger; an unfaithful spouse, a friend who has turned their backs on us in our time of need, or loved ones who steal from us.
We are still called to forgive. Imagine how Jesus felt. He lived the perfect life that we never could- he never sinned against man or God. In the end, he was betrayed by one of his own. When he was in the garden of Gethsamane, Matthew tells us that Jesus' soul was heavy with trouble and sadness, he asked his closest friends to pray with him. Know what they did? They fell asleep! (Matt 26:36-46) and not once, but twice! Think about this, Jesus, the Messiah, asks you to sit with him and pray because he was so overwhelmed with emotion, would you fall asleep? I don't think I would, but his friends did.
Then he was turned over to the soldiers by Judas, one of his inner circle. Jesus did not get angry, he did not sin in his response, in fact he corrected one of his followers when they drew a sword to protect him! When he was beaten, tortured and nailed to a cross for our sin, he still acted in love. He offered forgiveness on the cross to the sinner next to him who asked for it. Did you catch that?
Here's Jesus, mistreated, abused, about to be put to death by the people he came to save, and yet, in his misery, he is able to offer forgiveness to another. He even prayed for those who hurt him! As he is nearing his death, he calls out to his father "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). I don't know about you, but when I am hurt by someone, I am not that quick to pray for their forgiveness.
We are called to forgive others though. We are sinful creatures, that means that we sin regularly, and unfortunately we will be sinned against. When we are sinned against, it is important to turn the other cheek (Luke 6:29), and to forgive one another (Eph 4:32, Col 3:13). Jesus tells us to look inward before we judge to harshly the motives of others (Matt 7:5), this can be hard, but is essential to forgiveness.
We must remember that we do not know another persons heart-only God knows what is in our hearts, our truest intentions, our motives. We can lie to one another, even to ourselves, but we cannot lie to God-he knows that truth about us. Our experiences, our history, our perceptions often lead to us reacting in a certain way, or treating others in a hurtful manner-though it's not our intention to hurt one another.
How many times have you offered what you believed was a kind and supportive word, only to find out later that your words caused hurt and pain, or frustration? I know I do that more often that I care to admit. A prime example of this is a conversation I recently had with my son. He lives across the country as a graduate student, and it has been almost a year since we have seen him. He and I were talking about Christmas and whether he could come home or not. He offered a few reasons why he may need to stay in Seattle (needing to work on thesis, money, time, etc). Being a mom who missed her son, and felt that he would benefit from the connection of family, I offered solutions to each reason- he could work on his paper here, his dad and I would help with the cost of a ticket, and he needed some rest. Long story short, he is coming home (and I could not be more excited), but he felt frustrated by my responses. We talked and have moved on, but I never intended to frustrate him or make him feel like he was not being heard-sometimes our intentions and outcomes do not align.
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| Forgiveness is essential to finding peace and learning to love one another |
When we let go of the anger, we are free to deal with others in love, as Jesus calls us to. We are free to be happy and to grow. We are able to find joy in our lives and see the best in others-how can that be a bad thing?
Forgiveness is a choice-it is not a feeling. We can't wait until we feel like forgiving, for the just to heal itself-we have to make a conscious choice to forgive, to let it go and let God deal with the other persons offenses. We need to know that God is just and perfect in his judgement. We have to make a conscious decision to move on and to mend our hearts. This can be extremely difficult, but the reward is so worth it!
"yes, that's all great" you are saying, "but how do I choose to let it go and move on?". Good question! To begin with, you need to remember that you have sinned and have hurt others too, sometimes deliberately, sometimes inadvertently. You have been the beneficiary of forgiveness in the past, remember those times, how relieved and grateful you felt when you were forgiven. We have to pray to God to show us how to let go of the anger and forgive.
Forgiveness is a matter of what in our hearts, it's an attitude. We cannot be a forgiving person if we are in Gods word daily, or if we do not have a growing relationship with Christ. We need to stop listening to the secular world which tells us that we are right to be angry over every offense and that we are expected to be assertive enough to not let others take advantage of us. We have to return to our call to be servants of one another, to forgive and to love one another.
The peace that comes from forgiving others is all consuming. Other people can see the inner peace in us when we have a forgiving heart. I have a few friends who embrace forgiveness-one, in particular, is great at holding others accountable but doing so in love. I have never heard him raise his voice, in almost 15 years of friendship-his family says he never does. He is quick to forgive, and is very much at peace with whatever is happening in the moment.
When I was younger, I held on to every offense, thinking that it was a sign of weakness to "let them get away with that". I have since learned that once I was able to forgive others, for big and small offenses, I had the joy of living life to the fullest. I was free to move on and focus on what was truly important. I now focus on moving past, letting go and keeping my eyes on the end results. I try to remember that I need forgiveness from others more often than I care to, and that daily, I need forgiveness from God.
One final thought, remember that the Bible tells us to offer forgiveness, but a Biblical model of forgiveness requires that there be repentance. The Bible is full of stories of God not offering forgiveness to stiff necked or hard hearted people. Mark 1:15, Luke 13:3,5 and Acts 3:19 all point to the importance of repentance. The offender needs to recognize that they have done something hurtful or wrong, and they need to be sorry, and repent. This can take on many different views or appearances, but it essential that it happens.
Entire books have been written on the subject of forgiveness. I understand that this is not an exhaustive study by any means, but it's a beginning.
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