I am a strong woman, this does to come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. If you ask my opinion, I will give it to you- often directly and all to often, harshly, but always honestly. I was raised to be honest- even if it was not what others wanted to hear. My mother, a wonderfully strong woman, ingrained in me early that strength was an important quality for a person to have.
When life got hard for us, and things didn't go right, she would use the adage "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going". When I would get insecure about what others thought, she would tell me that if I knew how seldom people thought of me, I would not worry about it. She is the reason that I am the woman I am today- I am strong and have gotten through many hardships because of her. When I had my son, I was determined to teach him to be strong and independent as well, because I valued this skill so much in myself.
What I soon learned, is that my mother forgot to teach me how to be vulnerable. She was great at balancing strength and vulnerability- I'm still not sure how she was able to do it so well, but she was a master at it. I never learned to be vulnerable and rely on others. When times got tough, I would retreat into myself and rely on my own strength to get by. Too often, this has not served me as well as I would have liked.
I have found that, not only do I get very lonely when I am the most in need of support from others, but because I never understood what it means to put your soul out there, I never took the necessary care required to nurture the hearts of those I loved the most. I have struggled with this for a long time, and am learning to lean on others. What I am learning is what a gift it is when someone trusts you with a personal struggle.
I'm not talking about questions like "how does this dress look?" or "do you like my new haircut?"- these require honesty, but a little tact can go a long way. I'm talking about when a dear friend comes to you in the midst of a life changing event. Years ago, I had a friend come to me after a traumatic divorce, which she neither deserved nor saw coming. She was excited to be dating again, but her divorce was not yet final. Being a Christian, I told her I thought it was wrong to start dating. She was hurt, and we talked about it. Throughout the years, I told myself I was being strong, and true to myself. The truth is- I was being selfish.
My friends reality, in that moment, did not need my input. She didn't ask for my opinion, nor did she seek my approval. What she sought was my friendship, love and support. I look back now, and think, I would tell her how much I love her and that I want her to be happy. If she asked my opinion, I would give it- gently, although I suspect she knew my stance.
As I allow myself to be vulnerable with others, and learn to rely less on my strength and more on the strength of my God, I have learned how raw those moments can be. I now value those times with my family and friends. I am grateful for the opportunity to be trusted with their hearts. I'm still honest, but now I understand the value of tact and gentleness. I also understand the value of reaching out for others.
As I have learned to reach out to others, I find that I have learned to reach out to Christ as well. This is hard for a midwestern girl who was raised to be "the strong one", "the rock for everyone else". Still, as I go through this, I have come to realize that we, as a society do not trust each other enough.
Along with yesterdays post about how we have stopped caring for each other, I think we have stopped expecting others to be there and care for us. I cannot tell you how many times, I have watched friends, and acquaintances go through difficult, life altering events- and try to do it alone so that they would not be a bother to anyone else. It makes me sad. Maybe if we expected more of ourselves and others, our world would be a better place.
Thats the view from my corner of the world.
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