We all struggle from time to time. Each one of us will endure times of great suffering and hardship-sometimes of our own doing, sometimes not. It is true that our choices affect what happens to us; I doubt anyone would deny that. Obviously, if you make the choice not to get up and go to work every day, you will not be employed very long, which then brings on financial hardships, loss of property, etc.
Sometimes we are asked to walk through times of trials and suffering out of circumstance. A parent of an autistic child never made a choice that caused the disease. In fact, ask any parent of a special needs child and they will tell you that they would give anything to take away the suffering their children experience everyday. The young woman who lost her husband as he was off to war defending his country, did not do anything to cause his passing; in fact, she would most likely do anything to have him back-if even for one more day.
We all are asked to walk through periods of trials and struggles. I have written often of the period in my life when I lost six people who were very close to me in a very short period. The loss was profound and definitely changed who I am at the core. I used to ask why, then I realized the change that resulted was why.
God wants us to have the best life possible, and he will sometimes allow us to struggle in order to give us the opportunity to make the changes needed to achieve our best life. James 1:2-3 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fact trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". It is through the perseverance that develops when our faith is tested that we grow the most. It is when we feel the most vulnerable and most likely to allow God to produce great change within us.
The fact that trials and struggles are both necessary and beneficial to us, does not make it easier to walk through these. Times of personal struggle can be very isolating and lonely, we can feel as if no one understands, and as if we cannot find our way out of the darkness. We all know what it is like to feel alone in times of struggle, and I believe this is part of the reason we all feel a deep desire to help others who are struggling.
When we "help" others who are struggling, there are some things not to do. The following list is compiled from experiences I have had, and from discussions with hundreds of families who have gone through suffering and trials (being a social worker has the benefit of gaining several perspectives of a topic).
Suggesting God is using the trial to punish someone:
I cannot believe I have to say this, but sadly I do. While God does discipline his people for their own good, He does not ever use hardship and trials to punish us for an action or lack of action! Jesus paid the price for our sins already, no punishment is ever needed or given. God will sometimes allow us to walk through a period of difficulty, not in reaction to something done or not done, but rather to give us the opportunity to reap a blessing.
I have had people who I valued in my life say to me during times of extreme hardship that "You must have done something that God is punishing you for, what do you think it is?" I know this person thought they were being helpful, but they were not. Hearing this could have the potential of making the person suffering to feel like God is vengeful and angry, not compassionate and full of love.
The truth of God is that he is a loving God, he does not "make us" walk through trials, rather he allows us (remember Job?) to go through trials for a reason. He sees the growth and blessings that can result from trials and hardship.
Suggesting the hardship is for the best:
This is different than reminding others that God uses hardship to bring blessings and that He knows more than we ever can. I am appalled by the number of times I have been told by parents who have lost children, that loved ones tried to comfort them with comments like "God must have known your son/daughter was going to wander away from his/her faith, so He took them home, what a blessing" What?!?! Are you kidding? Don't ever say this to a parent who has lost a child, it is mean, lacking in insight and thoughtless- and it causes much more pain than you can ever imagine.
Trials are for our benefit, and God always has a plan, but it is seldom helpful to hear that the deepest pain we are feeling is "for the best". When we experience a significant loss, or hardship, we need to be reminded that God loves us and will walk us through the challenge.
What is helpful?
I'm glad you asked! What is helpful, is to be there in love. Sometimes, you cannot fix a problem, all you can do is be there. When my mom passed away, I was out of the state and needed to fly back. One of my closest friends met me at the airport, meals in her car, and she just drove me to my moms home. She didn't make me talk, she allowed me to make that 45 min drive in silence and when I got our of her car, she just gave me a hug and said that she loved me.
That was more helpful and compassionate than the others who told me to be happy because my mother was not suffering anymore. While I knew that was true, I was suffering a lot! All I knew in that moment was that my heart was ripped open, raw with the recent loss and that I wanted my mom back. The act of my friend, to not only show up, but to be comfortable just being with me, with no expectation, allowed me a chance to feel the pain and not feel completely alone.
When you counsel someone who is hurting, suffering or walking through a trial- remind them of Gods love. Remind them that while we do not always have the answers, God does. We don't always need the answers, we need faith. We need to trust and hold on to Gods love. He has told us that he will not leave us or forsake us, that he will hold us in his hands, and that he catches all our tears. Remind them that they are precious in Gods eyes and he will bring them through this trial.
Help loved ones see that God has already prepared them. I have found that God always prepares us, and gives us what we need before we go through a trial. He puts people in our lives who can understand, who love us and who can provide support. He gives us insight, builds our strength and resolve prior to us going through hardship. I know two families who have autistic children, when I see them, I am amazed at the grace and strength which they use to parent. God gave them what they needed to survive.
The bottom line is, if we remember to be there in love and not feel like we have to find a reason or to fix everything, then our loved ones can experience the benefits of having faith tested and growing in perseverance. It is not easy, but compassion and love must rule how we guide others through hardships.
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