Life Lesson Two years in the Making

People who know me, will attest to the fact that I have a tendency to not ask for help.  This was especially true a few years ago, before my life changed.  I tended to want things done my way, which to me was the right way, and therefore I seldom sought assistance.  I would run myself ragged trying to do everything that I thought needed to get done.  Then I would be frustrated that nobody recognized how hard I worked or offered to help me- crazy right?

I know, but that's how I was.  I thought that I was strong enough and bright enough and creative enough to do it all.  I was confident that no one could do it as well as me, since I was hyper focused on the details (looking back, this is not a good thing, but I thought it was great then).  My life was ruled by being correct, doing everything right, being good enough- so that others would think I was good enough.  My life was dominated by trying to be "good enough"- home, work, friends, church, parenting, walking down the street- everywhere I went there was underlying focus on what others thought of me.

Then on March 3, 2007 I got a call that began a devastating and life altering period in my life.  I lived in Columbus, Ohio at the time and was working when I received a call from a police officer that my mother had passed away in her sleep.  My uncle (who took care of her and myself since I was 6 months old), was so distraught, the police were afraid to leave him.  I needed to get home, but home was a 10 hour drive or an hour long flight.  I flew home with many people surrounding me offering me support and encouragement.

My need to do everything right, and be strong, proved to be an asset, as I was called upon to take care of the funeral arrangements, nurture my uncle through his grief, and be supportive for my husband and son (who both loved my mother very much).  My ability to be decisive and confident in doing things perfectly, pulled me through as I was completely numb.  Friends tired to get me to open up, but I couldn't- fearful that if I did, I would completely unravel.  My mother and I were, I believed very close, but after her funeral, my uncle looked at me and said that he needed to tell me something that was hard for him.  He stated that my mother made him promise her something, and he wasn't sure he could follow through.

I asked him what it was, he said that she wanted everything she had left in the world (which wasn't much) left to him and my son- she didn't want me to have anything.  He wasn't sure why- she never told him.  Feelings of being not good enough flooded over me as I tried to compose myself.  I told him to do what she requested.  So, he took her material items, gave my son her financial savings, and as a gesture that he understood just how painful that request was, he gave me a crystal bell I had bought for her when I was four.

I thought I would never heal- then, over the course of the next two years, I lost my husbands grandparents (four of them) and my uncle.  I was so close to all those we had lost.  I met my husband when I was 15, so I loved his grandparents as if they were my own.  Every loss compounded the hurt, the confusion, and the pain.  When my uncle passed away, people questioned when I had the funeral, where I had it, and who I invited.  It made me question if I did know what I was doing.

My uncle Fred, who helped raise me and
cared for my mother while I was growing up.

In the period of all this loss, I got angry with God, and I grew depressed.  I tried to stay strong for everyone else, but I questioned everything.  Thoughts of not being good enough swirled through my head over and over.  I felt that God took away most of the people who loved me- I felt like He was punishing me for something, and I was angry because I tried so hard to be a good wife, good mother, good daughter, good friend.  Truthfully, I may have walked away from my faith completely during that time, if God wasn't so faithful and so persistent.

Time and again, I could feel His presence,  His words would intermingle with my doubts.  "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows" (Luke 12:7),  "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mothers womb"       (Psalm 139:13) , and "For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer 29:11) all crept into my mind over and over.

Finally, remembering the power prayer has had in my life, I prayed with all my soul.  I cried, I sobbed, and I asked God to show me what I was missing.  What became clear to me, in that moment, was that I was too focused on others, not on Him.  I needed to learn to trust Him, to turn my eyes upward, not inward.

The truth is, when we focus on God and His word- life becomes a little easier.  Things that seem catastrophic without Him, are barely a blip in my day with Him.  I still struggle to give up control to God, but I am getting better everyday, with His grace.  I miss my loved ones more than anyone knows. Seven years later, I still miss my mother and occasionally pick up the phone and think I should call her, then remember she is gone.  I miss my uncles wisdom and full belly laugh- I miss the grandparents who loved me for being me, with no expectation to look a certain way or behave a certain way.  I know that my heart will always have an empty spot while I'm here- losing loved ones changes us.

The question is how will it change us?  Will we learn to focus on God and trust His timing, His plans?  or will we allow anger, and sadness to consume us?  It's not an easy choice, but it is a choice.  God pursues us, but He never overtakes us- He will take 99 steps towards us, but we must take the last step and reach for Him.

I have found a sense of peace and contentment that I haven't had before- I doubt that many people in my life knew the pain I went through, but God did.  I know His heart broke for me, especially when I was stubborn and refused to turn to Him in my time of need because I thought I could it myself.  Not anymore- now I put all my faith in God.  I reach for Him daily, several times a day, because I can no longer imagine doing life without Him.

God in the Midst of Tragedy

Typhoon Haiyan one of the strongest tropical storms ever recorded in history, swept through the Philippines this past weekend.  It caused devastation and havoc- destroying villages, taking thousands of lives and affecting millions.  The news channels were full of coverage this week, it was impossible to miss the headlines, the graphic and disturbing photographs, the heart wrenching stories.

Since the story was so prevalent, as it should be, it is likely that children saw news stories or heard adults talking about it.  As with any great disaster, natural or man made, children will have questions about what they saw and it may be difficult to explain to them how a loving God can allow such heartbreak and devastation.  As adults, it's hard for us to comprehend and to remember that Gods promise to us is not that we will not experience hardships, but that when we do, He will be there- we will not be alone.  

So, how do we talk to our children about hard topics like this?  First of all, feel free to share that your heart is breaking too, that even as an adult, you are saddened and confused by what has happened.  If you feel helpless, say so- children need to know that their parents have feelings too and understand what they are feeling.  With that said, acknowledge your feelings, but don't dwell.  Stress to your children the faith that you are drawing on.

Times of stress and difficulty are great times to remind ourselves and our families that the Bible teaches us that God is with us through all things and that we can endure all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13).   The verse "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) provides me with a great deal of comfort when life is chaotic and it seems like I cannot make sense of it- it's easy to remember to be still and comforting to know that God is taking over.

It is important that we remember to remind our children that they are safe and that we give them ways to feel like they are helping out.  They can contribute to the various aide organizations or churches going to the Philippines to help.  Every child can pray- prayer is powerful, and children who learn the power of prayer early in life, benefit greatly from the peace and contentment that comes from a close relationship with Christ- knowing that He is in control.  Even when children want to pray and aren't sure what to pray- we can remind them of Romans 8:26-27 "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

Perhaps most importantly is to answer your children's questions honestly, but be aware of the information you are giving them.  Balance your childs personality- how sensitive is she, how aware of current events is he, how old is he- with their desire for more information.  When possible, don't tell a child "Don't worry, this is grown up stuff".  If a child is asking, they are worried already- provide them with age appropriate information, and remind them that in the end our loving God is in control of all things- then pray with them and give thanks for your family.

Several months ago, I heard the Children of the World Choir singing at my local church.  They are an impressive group of children from all over the world who come together to sing Gods praises.  The video below is of a song that has stayed in my heart since I have heard them sing.  This video was not taken in my church, in fact it was taken a few years prior, but the song is catchy and the message pertinent in todays times.  I hope you all find it as entertaining as I do!

Conflict Resolution

What family doesn't have conflict from time to time?  Even the strongest marriages, and healthiest families experience conflicts.  Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides one definition for conflict as "a difference that prevents agreement, a disagreement between ideas, feelings, etc"- has humans we are bound to disagree and see the world differently due to different personalities, histories and perceptions.

Successful conflict resolution involves a few strategies, but it is
worth taking the time to lean them for a stronger family.

Conflict is not necessarily negative in families- it provides an opportunity for each party to grow, to learn about the other and to exchange ideas in constructive and healthy ways.  When done right, conflict can actually teach us how to negotiate with others in the world and to see other points of view.  The problem arises when we handle conflict inappropriately.

Things like name calling, yelling, character assassination all contribute to the shut down of communication- they do not promote healthy, respectful communication.  We must remember when we have a difference of opinion, or see the world differently, that the other person, feels that their perception, their opinion is just as right and valid as we feel ours is.  We learn the most of who our family members are, when we learn to stop and really listen to what they have to say.

When we take time to be respectful, conflict tends to resolve itself much more quickly- often with both parties feeling more satisfied than if they had yelled and screamed until one or the other felt beat down and bullied into submission.  Below are some brief guidelines, shown to be effective at conflict resolution, and can be used with adults and children of nearly all ages.

Keys to Effective Conflict Resolution within Families:

1. Speak calmly- refrain from raising your voice whenever possible.  Sometimes, an idea or concept is something we are passionate about, if you find that you are getting more vocal and louder, take a deep breath, lower your voice and continue speaking calmly.  Research shows that when one person in a disagreement raises his/her voice, the other person does too, and this continues in an upward spiral until wither both parties are yelling loudly and not listening, or one party decides to stop the cycle.
2. Listen- this sounds easier than it is.  When the other person is talking, do not think ahead to your next argument, your next talking point; really listen to what the other person is saying.  Why do they feel what they feel?  Even if you do not agree, it is important that you try to understand why they think or feel the way they do.  Plus, often times, other people have insight or a new perspective they can offer.  Without listening, you may miss something that could change your position.
3. No name calling- EVER!  This is a big one.   Never , ever, ever call the other person hurtful names or assassinate their character.  To begin with, this is your family- chosen for you by God- they are special and deserve more respect that to be called some vulgar name.  Additionally, research shows, that once a person feels attacked, they will stop listening.  Their willingness to cooperate and meet you half way or to hear your point of view is dead in the water.  Never use name calling to get your point across.
4. Be willing to take a break:  this one is a big one- and was really an important rule in our house when our son was a teenager.  We, as a family, had a rule- if a person was getting too heated or upset during a disagreement, it was ok to say "I need a break, I'm going for a walk (or drive, or run, etc) can we talk about this in an hour?".  The disagreement ended right then, for the agreed time frame, but the person who requested the break was required to restart the discussion.  This was hard for me, who liked to fight to the end, but it taught me to respect other peoples limits.  It also taught all of us to discover our limits, and to be assertive enough to say when we reached them, but respectful enough to continue the needed discussion later without being chased down.  This technique has served all of us in my family well through the years.
5. Be willing to compromise/disagree; sometimes you will have to meet in the middle, other times you will just have to be respectful of the fact that the two of you may never see the world exactly the same.  My husband and I do not agree on some major political issues- they are "hot button" issues for us, so we have chosen not to debate them together, but we are respectful of the other persons position.  Remember that our thoughts, feelings and opinions are shaped by our genetics, experiences, what we have learned, our cultures, and our environment.  With so many things at play, it's no wonder that we don't agree on everything!  However, if we learn to be respectful and treat each other with love and kindness, we can not only resolve conflict effectively and quickly, but we may even learn a thing or two.

the Strength within Us All

The strength of most people amazes me.  Through the years, I have had the privilege to walk along side people as they were asked to endure great hardships in life.  Some were more than most would be able to endure.  Time and again, I have been amazed by the resiliency and strength that the human spirit is able to muster up.

From losing a loved one too soon, to life altering tragedies- people have the unbelievable ability to survive.  I have sat with a son who held his mothers hand as she passed from this life, not ready to say good-bye to the woman who cared for him his entire life, and watched him turn around and comfort the staff who felt the loss of that incredible woman.  

We have all heard stories of people who have overcome great tragedy and found success.  The ING New York City Marathon is full of these stories- all the para-athletes, the first time marathoners, those who have overcome personal losses; all run for different reasons, all succeeded.

When life gets you down, and it feels as if you cannot go on- it is so important to remember that your God created you for a purpose.  He gave you every single thing that you will need to get through every trial that He asks you to walk through.  Our God never promised us that being followers of His would make our lives easy, or that we would never experience hardship, but He did promise us that He would be there with us.

Philippians 4:13 is a well known verse, but I think summarizes the human spirit perfectly, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength".   What a comfort!  How many times I have heard people, believers and non-believers alike utter these words.  God gives us the strength we need when we need it, if we just believe and rely on him.

With all recent increase in reported violence in the news, I am forced to wonder if these men knew their Lord?  The shootings at LAX, the Washington Navy Yard, the mall in New Jersey- all great tragedies that should never have happened.  They point to a great depth of loneliness, desperation and weakness on the parts of the perpetrators.  It saddens me that anyone feels so desperate and alone, that they would ever feel the need to end their lives, or the lives of anyone else.  

If they knew the power of Christ, they would know that He walks with them, He feels their pain and suffering and He always has bigger and better plans for us then we ever have for ourselves.  When God allowed  Satan to afflict and test Job, even Job felt despondent and lonely, in Job 10:1 he states "I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free reign to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul".  In the end, Job came to understand that Gods knowledge and wisdom is greater than his and that Gods love for him was more than he could ever comprehend.  He learned to trust God and to find patience in suffering.

I have seen people undergo long illnesses and keep their spirits high; they all point to God for their strength.  We need to keep encouraging one another and reminding each other, that within each of us is the incredibly strong human spirit, which has been created and is nurtured by God to help us walk through trials, which will shape us into better people and bring us to bigger and better things!

Uniqueness is in Each of Us

The other day,  as I walked into the grocery store, I had the privilege of overhearing a father with his son.

 "Dad", as the son, who appeared to be about three or four years old, "How much is your car worth?"
"Well" said dad, "I'd say it's probably worth about $7,000.  Would you pay me $7,000 for my car?"
The son, stopped walking, looked up at his dad and said, "No".  His dad smiled, took his hand and they kept on walking.  A few steps later, the little boy stopped again, and asked his dad, "Dad, would you pay $7,000 for me?"  Without missing a beat, the father said "Son, I would give everything I have for you- because you are that special to me."


As we parted ways, I thought to myself that there was a little boy who was going to grow up knowing how incredibly special he was to at least one person.  As a parent, I have always believed that we have the responsibility to make sure our children feel like they are the most important person in the world to someone.  They need to know that they were created to be unique and special- we all need to know that.

Every child has special gifts and qualities.  Some are intelligent, some are insightful, some are compassionate, others have the gift of leadership, hard work, or teaching.  It is so important, as parents, that we take time to learn what our children's passions and gifts are, so that we can encourage them to always be the best they can be.

God created every person to be unique- to have a specific set of gifts, talents, passions and weaknesses that combine to create just one you.  Every child deserves to know how these come together within them to create one unique them.

Some things, I have seen through my career as a Social Worker, is too many parents who praise their daughters for being pretty- lets remember that looks fade, and while a daughter may be beautiful, it is not her outer beauty that makes her lovable.  I have seen too many teen age girls who are fearful of losing their looks or feel that they have nothing else to contribute to society except being pretty- imagine how that girl would feel if she suffers an accident that gives her a scar on her face.

I have also seen too many boys praised for being "strong".  Too many boys feel that they cannot talk about how they are feeling, they feel that they have to cope or deal with everything on their own.  This can be devastating for boys who experience significant losses in their changes.

We must teach our children that we are not expected to all be the same, but rather that we all have been given gifts chosen just for us, by God.  We must learn to recognize and celebrate that which makes each of us unique and special.

 For example, as a parent, I am one who tends to push my son to experience things, to do for himself.  I have not ever been accused of being to cuddly or over nurturing.  This has served him well in that he is very independent, self sufficient, intelligent and fearless.  He can problem solve better than most people and is not limited by what other people see as confines- he breaks barriers.  I have a dear friend, who is incredibly nurturing- she admires her children's sense of adventure, and does whatever she can for them because she never wants them to be uncomfortable.  Her children are secure, funny, social, and love to laugh.  They are confident and not afraid to ask.  We both agree that both of our parenting styles have benefits and drawbacks- her children are not as independent as she would like, my son, does not like to ask for help and is reluctant to discuss his frustrations- but both are wonderful styles that have great things to offer.  We often talk and benefit from our differences as parents.

We are so fortunate to live in a time when more and more differences are being celebrated, but unfortunately, we do not always teach our children whats really of value- their true gifts, their true talents, and their truest selves.  The old adage is true- it's on the inside that counts.

Sunday Traditions

Ever sit and think about the past?  I do- perhaps a little too often.  Many Sundays, I find myself wondering "what happened to Sunday traditions?".   I'm talking about the true, imbedded traditions, that defined who we, as Americans were (in part).  The kind that comes to mind when you look at Norman Rockwell paintings.

Getting the family ready for church, for one.  Too many families do not attend church, citing reasons such as being too busy, schedule conflicts, children's sports (which are now often scheduled on Sundays) and the need or desire to have a quiet morning at home.  We need the ritual of getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast as a family (which may not happen during the week) and going to church together.

After the week, it's a perfect time for our families to come together, refocus our energies and gives families the chance to remember that there are bigger things in life than what they deal with.  Being with a community of like minded believers, gives us a view much grander than ourselves.  It's important to teach our children the lessons learned in Church- forgiveness, grace, mercy.  Being in church weekly, also instills in ourselves and our children a sense of responsibility and duty (which is also lacking in my opinion, but thats for another day).

What about Sunday dinners?  When my son was home, Sunday was always set aside as family day.  None of us made plans without the family.  His sports, our friends, jobs, etc, all were put on hold on Sundays.  Instead, we used that day to play games, cook dinners that took all day to make, talked, read, hiked, etc.  The point was that we, as a family, were going to spend one day out of seven together.  We cooked large dinners, made favorite snacks, laughed, talked and spent quality time together.  Some of our best memories were made on those Sundays- even now, we hold Sundays close to our hearts.

Sunday meals were traditionally a time for families to come together after a hectic week and catch up.  It was a time to linger at the table, talk about work, school, friends, social issues, etc.  This gave children a chance to learn how adults thought, felt and believed about issues, and it gave parents a chance to really listen and get to know their children.  Nowadays, too many of our children don't eat at home, or they don't eat with their parents.  Busy work schedules, longer work hours, less of a focus on family time, all contribute to the decline of family meal times- which research shows is so important for the development of our children.

It has become socially acceptable to not see our families all day.  We get up, go to work or school, come home, do homework, go out with friends, watch tv (often in different rooms), play on our electronics, and go to bed with little real connection with each other.  Sunday dinners slowed the pace of the week- it gave the family a chance to connect and to recharge, to prepare for the upcoming week. Instead of a rat race pace for months on end, families consistently had at least one day a week to slow down, get their bearings and prepare for the week ahead.  The Bible tells us that this is essential- God commands us to take a day- there is a reason for this, we are wired to require time to slow down and recharge.

Overall, weekly traditions play a role in shaping who are children grow into and how they view family life.  They provide a consistency that is all to often lacking in this world- and we all crave some consistency and predicability.  It also defines who we, as a family are.  This goes a long way to helping our children define who they are as individuals.  It is my opinion, that we as families need to reclaim our Sunday traditions, whatever they are, and reclaim our family life.

That is the view from my corner of the world.

Weakness of a Strong woman

I am a strong woman, this does to come as a surprise to anyone who knows me.  If you ask my opinion, I will give it to you- often directly and all to often, harshly, but always honestly.  I was raised to be honest- even if it was not what others wanted to hear.  My mother, a wonderfully strong woman, ingrained in me early that strength was an important quality for a person to have.

When life got hard for us, and things didn't go right, she would use the adage "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going".  When I would get insecure about what others thought, she would tell me that if I knew how seldom people thought of me, I would not worry about it.  She is the reason that I am the woman I am today- I am strong and have gotten through many hardships because of her.  When I had my son, I was determined to teach him to be strong and independent as well, because I valued this skill so much in myself.

What I soon learned, is that my mother forgot to teach me how to be vulnerable.  She was great at balancing strength and vulnerability- I'm still not sure how she was able to do it so well, but she was a master at it.  I never learned to be vulnerable and rely on others.  When times got tough, I would retreat into myself and rely on my own strength to get by.  Too often, this has not served me as well as I would have liked.

I have found that, not only do I get very lonely when I am the most in need of support from others, but because I never understood what it means to put your soul out there, I never took the necessary care required to nurture the hearts of those I loved the most.  I have struggled with this for a long time, and am learning to lean on others.  What I am learning is what a gift it is when someone trusts you with a  personal struggle.

I'm not talking about questions like "how does this dress look?" or "do you like my new haircut?"- these require honesty, but a little tact can go a long way.  I'm talking about when a dear friend comes to you in the midst of a life changing event.  Years ago, I had a friend come to me after a traumatic divorce, which she neither deserved nor saw coming.  She was excited to be dating again, but her divorce was not yet final.  Being a Christian, I told her I thought it was wrong to start dating.  She was hurt, and we talked about it.  Throughout the years, I told myself I was being strong, and true to myself.  The truth is- I was being selfish.

My friends reality, in that moment, did not need my input.  She didn't ask for my opinion, nor did she seek my approval.  What she sought was my friendship, love and support.  I look back now, and think, I would tell her how much I love her and that I want her to be happy.  If she asked my opinion, I would give it- gently, although I suspect she knew my stance.

As I allow myself to be vulnerable with others, and learn to rely less on my strength and more on the strength of my God, I have learned how raw those moments can be.  I now value those times with my family and friends.  I am grateful for the opportunity to be trusted with their hearts.  I'm still honest, but now I understand the value of tact and gentleness.  I also understand the value of reaching out for others.

As I have learned to reach out to others, I find that I have learned to reach out to Christ as well.  This is hard for a midwestern girl who was raised to be "the strong one", "the rock for everyone else".  Still, as I go through this, I have come to realize that we, as a society do not trust each other enough.

Along with yesterdays post about how we have stopped caring for each other, I think we have stopped expecting others to be there and care for us.  I cannot tell you how many times, I have watched friends, and acquaintances go through difficult, life altering events- and try to do it alone so that they would not be a bother to anyone else.  It makes me sad.  Maybe if we expected more of ourselves and others, our world would be a better place.

Thats the view from my corner of the world.