Faith and Politics

I am often amused and astounded by the questions we are able to contrive while speaking together.  Not too long ago, a friend and co-worker asked me this question, "I'm curious how you reconcile your religious beliefs with your political beliefs?"

This may seem innocuous, however I was taken aback.  It never occurred to me that my Christian beliefs would not fall completely in line with my moderate, yet slightly conservative political beliefs.  My response was simply that I thought they reconciled themselves just fine, and I went back to work.  This may seem like a cop out, but the truth is, the answer is not a quick and simple answer.

I am passionate about my faith, and I do not take questions about it lightly.  I never turn down the opportunity to share my faith and answer questions of those who may be seeking answers-not that I have all the answers (I am a far cry from that), but I want to try.  I want others to feel free to discuss their doubts with me and to explore why they believe what they do; still, to try and tie my political and spiritual beliefs together in a tight little bow while at work would do a disservice to my answer and my coworker.  In fairness to my friend, I told him that I would post my answer here for him to read.

My Faith-the Basics:
I am a Christian, more specifically, I am of the Lutheran faith.  I believe that Jesus Christ came down from heaven, lived the perfect life that I never could, died a terrible death (paying for the sins of myself and every other person past, present and future) , He defeated death, rose again and gives me (and all other believers) eternal life with Him.

It is not enough to merely say "I believe".  My faith teaches that faith is what redeems us and saves us, however, as the James tells us in the Bible "What good is it brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?  Can such faith save them?  faith, by itself, if it is not accompanied by actions, is dead" (James 2:14,17b).  More on that in a different post, but basically, if we believe that Christ is our savior, then we are compelled by the love in our hearts to perform deeds.

I believe that we are called to love others with all our hearts, even when it is not easy or convenient.  We are called to love, even those who dislike us, mistreat us, and hurt us.  We are called to love, even when we will receive no recognition and will not receive any love in return.  We love, because God loves us, and our hearts overflow with love.

That's it, this is  the super basic, primer on my faith.  It is overly simplistic, but for the purpose of this post it will do.

My Politics, the very basics:
I do not affiliate with one party, democrat, republican or tea party.  I feel that my political beliefs fall in the moderate range, leaning more right than center.  If forced to choose a party, I would lean towards Republican, however, I see merits to each party.  My belief is that we are to be fiscally responsible, personally and publicly.  I am disheartened by the entitlement culture that is developing (another post, again), and how we are losing sight of what makes this country great.

I believe that we are to take care of those in need and that some public assistance programs are necessary, however they have grown to ridiculous proportions and if we continue on this path, this country will be bankrupt and will have nothing.  I also believe that government should not interfere in individual lives or business, except in rare instances.  I do not believe the Affordable Healthcare Act is a good thing, not because I don't think everyone deserves affordable health care, but because I believe everyone should have the option of affordable healthcare, not the mandate of it.

I also believe in personal responsibility.  This is not a  popular thought, but I believe that if you make a choice, you should live with the consequences.  The fact that this country is dead set on bailing every dim wit who makes a bad decision out of  trouble, and that we allow people to sue big corporations for frivolous reasons is terrible.  We, as a nation, have lost sight with  the fact we as individuals are responsible for our choices.  I could write about this for hours, but you get the gist.

Do they really "Mesh"?
So how do these ideas mesh together?  I think they mesh beautifully.  We are called to love one another, that means several things:

• we are called to care for those who cannot care for themselves
• we are called not to take advantage of or hurt others intentionally
• we are called to rectify our wrongs when we do hurt others.

Did you get the first point?  We are called to care for those who cannot care for themselves.  We are not called to care for those who choose not to care for themselves.  If you are able bodied, intelligent, and capable of working, but you would  prefer to sit at home and hang with your buddies or watch tv, that is your right.  However, if you choose to do that, do not ask me to assist you in that endeavor.  If you cannot work, truly have fallen on hard times and are struggling, I am there to help anytime.  

I try not to take advantage of others or be hurtful, but I am far from perfect.  When I learn that I have hurt someone, I do what I can to make it right.  I do not believe in being vengeful or holding a grudge- that is not love.  

We are called to love one another, we are to help one another and to be there for each other.  The truth is, if we, as a nation of individuals, did this (took care of one another), we would not have a need for entitlement programs.  This is a wealthy country with an overabundance of resources, if we all worked to care for each other, and all gave to their ability, no one would be hungry, alone, battered or scared.  We would care for our elderly, homeless, children, vulnerable patients, the mentally ill, the physically ill and all the other special populations.  

We need to be fiscally responsible as well.  To spend money that we don't have, whether "we" are the government, or individual homes, is wrong and against Gods word.  God calls us to be good stewards of the gifts we are given.  We are not squander them, and we are not to hoard them.  God gave this nation, everything we need to care for everyone.  If we all looked to his word and followed His instructions, the whole country would be a better place.  

It may seem optimistic, or naive, but that is my belief.  I do not see any incongruence between my faith and my political beliefs.  

Why Marriage is Hard

It's funny to me, how sometimes I am faced with several people I love all having the same "issue" at the same time.  It seems to me, when this happens, it is a clue from God that I should look deep inside and see what I can learn from the lesson being brought before me over and over (it would also appear, that I can be a very slow learner, thus the need to have the same issue brought before me over and over).

Recently, I have been talking to a few friends and loved ones about marriage.  It is hard-perhaps harder than it should be.  After all, two completely independent people with their own ideas, upbringing, beliefs and baggage should be able to meld seamlessly together if God intended them to be together-right?  WRONG!

The thing is, God doesn't work like that.  He doesn't say that things are easy if they are right-in fact, oftentimes, it is the opposite.  Doing what is right and godly, can be difficult, lonely and fraught with frustration.  Marriage is like that.  It's hard, it's work and it's possibly one of the most challenging relationships we enter into.

The truth is, marriage is two people coming together.

Did you get that? It is two individual people!  We all have our pasts and upbringings, which shape who we are.  Experiences, education, familial relationships, thoughts, personalities and choices in friends, colleagues, etc, all come together to shape who we are as individuals.  It's why the human race is so full of diversity and beauty.  It's why two siblings can perceive their same childhood in completely different ways and that in turn shapes who they are.  Some of us are motivated by hardship and rise up when faced with adversity, but wither in consistency and times of peace.  Others of us shrivel up and crumble under pressure, but thrive in the rhythm of a steady life.

Part of Gods greatest plan is that, oftentimes, people with opposite traits are attracted to each other.  For example, I love to be social, I crave the approval (though I hate this about myself, it is true) of others and seek to be liked and accepted by others.  I love to be surrounded by many people and feel most at home in large crowds.  My husband could not be more different.  He loves solitude and being in his own mind.  He is a thinker.  Large crowds make him uncomfortable, but taking a long hike alone in the woods, or sitting alone in a canoe on a lake is his ideal day.  This can cause strife between us.  many times, he would prefer to stay home, when I want to go out.  He would prefer camping vacations, while I most desire trips to big cities.

When we bring two separate lives together, many compromises need to be made.  Initially, marriage is hard because we are learning how to find the middle ground and what is worth compromising on and what is too important to give up.  However, as the years pass, the real difficulty sets in.  We become comfortable, we settle into our lives and routines.  The schedules of work and family take over and we lose sight of what a precious gift our spouses are.  We may begin to feel taken advantage of, or overlooked and forgotten.

We try not to say anything, because we don't want to be seen as whining, or complaining.  That is not the answer.  When one spouse feels uncared for, usually it is because there is a basic need that is not being met.  How can the other spouse fulfill this need if the two adults don't discuss it?

I am guilty of that sometimes.  My husband struggles to make me feel loved.  I know he loves me, he can be very loving, but still I don't feel loved.  I used to think that was because he didn't care enough to learn what was important to me.  I now know, that many times,  I don't know what I need.  I sometimes struggle with needing to be strong and worry that when I can't be strong, I will no longer warrant his love.  In those days, I need to know it's ok to be vulnerable.  Sometimes, I need to know he is proud of me, or that he thinks I am wonderful and amazing.

Marriage is hard because we are individuals who are trying to become one.  People will tell you, if you put your faith in God everything will be fine-and they are right.  That being said, everything being fine, does not mean it will be easy and without bumps.  I once heard a friend say that marriage is like a roller coaster.  You go up and down, you get thrown from side to side, flipped upside down and spun around at high speeds.  Sometimes you can see whats ahead, many times you do not.  However, if the marriage is strong, you finish it together, and when your feet are safely back on solid ground, you are so glad you did it!  The twists and turns and high speed shenanigans made the ride memorable, exciting and maybe taught you a bit about yourself.

Marriage is hard, but the benefits are so worth the effort!  To be able to come home to one person who understands you, who gets you and who loves you even when you don't deserve it, that is the epitome of Gods love.  We get a glimpse of His love for us, when we enter into a marriage and do what it takes to make it survive.

Judgement

Why do we insist on judging others when we all know that it is wrong?  The Bible tells us, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye" (Matt 7:3,5).

We are taught as children not to be judgmental and harsh with others.  We teach our children to "play nice" with others, indicating that we al know better.  I see a lot of adults who are harsh and judgmental towards other adults.

We all judge others, but why?  What purpose is served by passing judgement?  One thing we all get from passing judgement is the feeling of superiority.  Few of us will admit it, but the truth is, when we are looking down on someone else, it makes us feel better about who we are and the choices we make. We all have self doubt from time to time, and I have found that we judge the harshest, that which we have the most self doubt.  For example, if I doubt myself as a mother, I will judge other parents more harshly.

Judging others doesn't help them in any way, it certainly does not approach others from a place of love and compassion.  What we do get, is the feeling that we are "at least doing better than " others.  It is not right, we know it, but yet we do it.  Instead of judging others, we need to look into ourselves.  When we are feeling judgmental, perhaps we should take pause and look at our own self doubts.  Instead of judging others, we need to push ourselves to do better in our lives.

We need to start taking personal responsibility.  It is not the job of the rest of the world to make us feel better.  It is up to us to make ourselves feel better.  If you doubt your abilities as a spouse, then take time to talk to your spouse and figure out how to do better.  If you judge others parenting, look at your own and find a way to improve your parenting skills.  We can begin to use the judgmental thoughts we all have for good-as motivation to keep improving.

Sometimes, we judge because we truly see injustice and is upsets us.  Things like abuse, trafficking, war and hatred demand our righteous judgement.  The Bible calls us to judge things, but to still love others.  What does that mean?  It means if we judge something righteously, then we are called to take action.  Sure all these things offend each of us, but when we find that we are judging something even more than others, we need to stop and listen to our hearts, because it is in those moments that God is calling us to do our best works.

If we judge others for walking past the homeless, then we are being called by God to take action and care for the homeless.  Domestic abuse angers most of us, but if you find yourself really judging the abusers and those who stay, then take action for God is touching your heart and asking you to make a difference.

We are all created for a purpose, and I believe that it is in our deepest reactions, our truest, most honest moments that we learn what the purpose is.  When we are not safe, when we push ourselves to love more, to do better and to be  our best, we become living examples of Gods plan and love for the world.

"I am Your Mother"

Today, my grown up son and his girlfriend boarded a plane and headed to Miami.  He begins a new job Monday, and they are looking for a place to live.  His girlfriend will rejoin him in about a month, but will return to Seattle next week.  Here's the thing, I worry about him.

Yes, he is 26 years old.  Yes, he is highly respected in the scientific community and yes, he is a capable adult.  When I tell him that I worry about him starting over in a new city, and I ask if he checked the crime statistics of different neighborhoods, or if he has planned for the cost of shipping his items, he rolls his eyes and provides a polite, yet frustrated answer.  I know he is grown up, but here are some things he doesn't understand:

1. I am your mother.  I gave birth to you.  For nine months I was terribly aware that every decision I made affected you directly.  When I ate spicy food, you became angry and let me know that you did not agree (ironic since you love spicy food now).  As I was the only one who could protect you then, I feel a special sense of responsibility-that will not go away simply because you have decided that you are grown up.  
2. I am your mother.  I watched you grown, explore the world and find your way.  I cleaned many scraped knees, told you that you were fine, kissed more boo-boos than I can count.  I have seen friends and family frustrate you (me included), I have watched you make friends and lose them.  I was there when you succeeded and when you failed and I cheered you on every step of the way.  When you succeeded, my heart soared with pride, when you failed, it hurt for you.  When you were struggling to find your way, I was there to walk you through and guide you to many decisions who made you who you are.  I also knew when to step back and let you make decisions that I did not agree with, to help you learn.
3. I am your mother.  Remember all those nights you were out dating?  I stayed awake and prayed that you remembered to treat those girls with respect and kindness.  I watched you fall in love, and get your heart broken.  I was there when you realized that the first girl you fell in love with, was not the only girl.  I watched you go off to college and develop a strong sense of who you are and what you have to bring to a relationship.  I watched you get married, and was there when your world crashed in around you.  I cried for you every night as you struggled, and I rejoiced when your heart began to heal and you realized that you could-and would-love again.  
4. I am your mother.  I know you better than you think.  I am proud of you, I watched you grow up into a fine young man.  I pray for you every night, that you will continue to know success, that you will continue your walk in Gods ways, and that you will be happy.  I pray for your safety, for you to know that you are loved more than you will ever know, and that you will one day have a child of your own, so that you will realize the great love a parent has for a child.
5. I AM YOUR MOTHER! That means, no matter how smart you are, how old you  are or how incredibly successful you are I will always worry about you.  You are a piece of me.  My heart feels your pride, your fear and your apprehension.  When you dream, I dream for you.  I would give my life for  you to have every blessing and to know no pain or disappointment.  But I also know that the world is the world.  It is not your mother.  The rest of the world may care for you, but there are plenty of people who will hurt you or take advantage of you to advance themselves.  I will rejoice when you succeed and I will hurt when you hurt.

So there it is.  As a mother, I will not stop worrying about him.  I can see the journey ahead of him, and I am excited for him and for the opportunities that await him.  Still, I want this move to be smooth and free of frustration, so I will worry and I will continue to ask the frustrating questions.  To him, I have three words of wisdom "Get over it".  Some day he will be a parent and maybe then he will understand.

Sometimes a New Perspective is Just what We Need

I have always admired those people who can pack a bag and head off on a vacation alone.  The fact that there are some people who can contentedly tour a new city without the security of loved ones always struck me as strong and confident.  This week, I entered the ranks of those wonderfully amazing  people.  I went cross country and took a 5 day vacation alone.  It was exhilarating, full of memories and I learned a few things along the way!

To begin with, let me say that I love my family and I love vacationing with them.  That being said, it was nice to be able to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  No negotiating, no planning and no doing some crazy stuff that holds no interest for me at all to keep someone else happy.  This week was about me.  I went to Seattle to see my son (whom I am so proud of) present his Masters thesis-that took a total of 2 hours.  The rest of the time I explored the city, spent time with him and his lovely girlfriend, took an adventure and read more books than I thought possible in such a short time.

During my time in Seattle, I learned that when we have a new perspective (i.e. seeing a whole city alone instead of in the comfort of loved ones) we learn things we never knew we didn't know.  I learned things about myself, my son, the world and society.  Below are some of my newfound insights-for those who are interested.

I am responsible for my life:
Sounds like a "duh" moment, I know, but let me explain.  When I have travelled with family, or even with friends, if a weekend or vacation was not fun, there was always a reason that could be deflected off of me.  Comments like "I really wanted to spend more time seeing the city center, but D really wanted to go for that long hike" or "It would have been great to spend more time walking around, and doing what the locals do, but everyone else wanted to do the tourist things" are easily said.

These comments mean one thing-the trip could have been better if it wasn't for someone else.  That's not what I think when I say them, but the truth is, that is what they mean.  When I went to Seattle, there was no one else.  My son was presenting his thesis, and he told me on the front end that he would only have a few hours (he is moving to Miami tomorrow for a new job, so he was crazy busy tying up loose ends in Seattle before moving), so if my trip was boring, or a wasted mass of time, it was all on me.

It was not-I was busy and saw a lot, but there was some pressure on me to make the trip my own, to be sure that I relished every single minute of it.  If I came back and thought "It would have been nice to have seen this or to have done that" it was on me.  What I learned, is that when I put all the responsibility on me, and take away the excuse of someone else, I do things differently.  I push harder, I make a point of thinking through decisions and I am more willing to make sacrifices because I feel worth it.

Turns out, I can be very lazy (not a huge surprise to those who know me well).  If my family wants pizza for dinner, I tell myself that I'm just being a better wife/mother by giving them what they want, and that if I could choose the dinner it would be healthier (it probably wouldn't be much healthier).  If my husband doesn't want to go to the gym or take a long walk with me, I don't go rationalizing that I need to spend time with him.  In Seattle, those excuses were gone and I made healthy food choices, I exercised and I took control-losing 4pounds in the process.

I learned that I can love my husband with all my heart, but it is my responsibility to take care of myself. It is not his job to be sure that I make good choices.  It is not anybody else's responsibility to make sure I feel good about my life.  My life is just that-MY LIFE!  It is up to me to see what I want, do what I desire and make the absolute most of every moment.  If I waste it, then it is my fault and nobody else's (I am sure this will not be the last post on this topic).

Our children grow up
Again, I am not a dullard who thought that my son would stay that adoring three year old forever-nor would I want him to.  One of the best things in my life has been watching him grow up and mature into an adult.  When he was at home, it was exciting for me to see him enter pre-adolescence and develop his own ideas about the world and society.

That said, once he left for college, he always seemed like the 18 year old we dropped off in Madison.  Sure he matured a bit, but I always saw him as that 18 year old boy with no fear and minimal common sense to guide him (can anyone say bad decisions?).  When he presented his thesis, I saw him as a professional.  He had department heads come and industry professionals come to take notes on his research.  For the first time, I saw him as an adult and professional man.  Talk about a head shaker!

When did he go from the crazy kid that I had to tell not to take flaming shot just because his friends find it funny to this knowledgeable and respected professional in his field?  How did I not see it?

The truth is our children grow up-and they don't always tell us that they are doing it.  Lesson to all parents, pay attention and relish every minute-one day you will look at your darling son/daughter who cannot even tie their own shoes, and they will be an adult with a family of their own, a professional career and looking to finance their retirement (yikes!) and you will realize the life passes in a blink.

Everybody has a story-most we will never know
One of the things I had the privilege of doing was talking with several people.  I met a gentleman at the hotel I stayed at that went to school for political science, against his parents wishes, and found that he really did not enjoy the work in life, so he works at a front desk in a hotel.  He likes the people he meets, but truthfully, he wishes he has followed his passion to do something outdoors like be a fishing guide.

I met a young man who was born in Wisconsin, attended UW-Madison then moved to Seattle and opened an Eco-tourism business, following his dreams.  He was happy and loved every minute of life and told me that he cannot believe he gets to do what he loves for a job.  He also told me that he misses the people of Wisconsin and loves coming home.

I met a woman who was traveling with her husband, though they did not agree on how to spend their time.  We met on a whale watching trip, he wanted to come for the picture opportunities, she did not (she had a lot of fun and was glad that she went).  

I had the honor of speaking with a mother and daughter who were taking a vacation together after not spending time together for a few years, just due to life.  They had a great time and the way they interacted was good for a mother to see.  The love between mother and daughter was strong, it reminded me of the fact that even though we grow up (see point above) we never really stop being our parents children.

The thing that struck me was that every single person we see, has a story.  We are quick to judge others based on what we see, but every person has a story.  That lady crying silently on the plane as it takes off, may have just said good bye to her only son and was feeling overwhelmed with sadness of not seeing him for a long time and pride over the fine man he has grown into.  That homeless man on the street, may have been very successful at one time, and a tragedy took it all away.  Even the business man walking hurriedly to get to work-he may be rushing to be on time for an important presentation that holds to potential to change his career.

The point is, we don't know.  I am fascinated by people stories.  I always have been.  I think thats why I love social work.  I hear peoples stories all day, and I love it.

Life is bigger than me
One of my adventures was a whale watching trip, it was amazing.  To see the creatures, who are social, compassionate beings was awe inspiring.  We saw Orcas, sea lions and seals.  We went through tidal currents and past mountains.  What jumped out to me was that our creator created more than just me!

Life is about taking care of all the gifts of this world: the environment, the animals, others.  There are wars in Israel and the middle east, there is poverty in nearly every country, abuse of others, cruelty to animals, and plenty of damage to the environment.  Why a whale watching tour made me more aware of social issues is beyond me, but it did.  Maybe because I had the great fortune to see two pods of whales greet each other and heard the naturalist tell the passengers that whales are compassionate and social animals who frequently greet friends in other pods and show concern if a pod member has not arrived.  Maybe because even though these great big creatures have to work for everything, they still find time to care for each other, to play and to have fun!

I'm not sure, but that trip did make me realize what we all say-life is bigger than me.  The truth is, although I have said it in the past, my prayers were centered on my life.  I seldom prayed for those in war torn countries, those whom I don't know who are alone, afraid or taking on a challenge.  I have started to add complete strangers to my prayers.  I continue to pray for my family and friends, but now I take time to pray for those who are in need, even if I don't know them.  I am a tiny little cog in the big plans of a big God.  My focus is clearer, and I am so grateful!


In the next few days, I will write more about my trip to Seattle-truly a trip of a lifetime!

Proud Momma

My son is preparing to close a chapter in his life that he has worked towards for over 6 years.  He is getting ready to defend his Masters degree thesis.  Of course, as his mother, I am proud of him and his accomplishment.

I am preparing to go to Seattle to watch him close out this chapter in his life.  In doing so, I have been reminiscing about all he has done to make himself as successful as he is.  he has worked so hard and has made the most of every single opportunity that came his way-even ones most of us would have let pass by.  He is diligent in his work, plays hard and has a strong sense of loyalty along with an incredible work ethic.

I am proud of those things, but more importantly, I am proud of the man he has become.  He doesn't go to church as often as I would like, but when I see him, I can see the fire of the Holy Spirit in him.  I can see how genuine he is, how he cares more deeply than he allows most to see.  I am proud that he has integrity, that he is honest, that he cares about others, that he strives to be the best version of himself everyday.  He inspires others, yet he is modest.

I know that every mother loves their children, they should-children are Gods gift to us.  They are a perfect reflection of our best and worst qualities at the same moment.  I think that it is so important that we remember this as parents, that we remember that the things we love most about our children are the things we either love the most about ourselves, or are qualities we wish we had.  The things that frustrate us the most, convict us of our own shortcomings.

Some people have said to me, that maybe my son would be embarrassed by having his parents at his defense.  I don't agree with this.  Every child, no matter how old, wants to have their parents approval and acceptance.  We all want to know that our parents are proud of us, that they believe the world is a better place because we are here.  I firmly believe that the world is better because my son is here.  I will be there to shout to the world just how proud of this young man I am.

I cannot wait to see him achieve the dream he has worked at for so long.  In addition, I want him to know how incredibly proud of him his daddy and I are.  I just had to share with the world what an incredible gift I was given nearly 26 years ago, and I thank God every single day for him.

Way to go son!

Helping Loved Ones be Patient in Times of Suffering

We all struggle from time to time.  Each one of us will endure times of great suffering and hardship-sometimes of our own doing, sometimes not.  It is true that our choices affect what happens to us; I doubt anyone would deny that.  Obviously, if you make the choice not to get up and go to work every day, you will not be employed very long, which then brings on financial hardships, loss of property, etc.

Sometimes we are asked to walk through times of trials and suffering out of circumstance.  A parent of an autistic child never made a choice that caused the disease.  In fact, ask any parent of a special needs child and they will tell you that they would give anything to take away the suffering their children experience everyday.  The young woman who lost her husband as he was off to war defending his country, did not do anything to cause his passing; in fact, she would most likely do anything to have him back-if even for one more day.

We all are asked to walk through periods of trials and struggles.  I have written often of the period in my life when I lost six people who were very close to me in a very short period.  The loss was profound and definitely changed who I am at the core.  I used to ask why, then I realized the change that resulted was why.

God wants us to have the best life possible, and he will sometimes allow us to struggle in order to give us the opportunity to make the changes needed to achieve our best life.  James 1:2-3 states, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fact trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance".  It is through the perseverance that develops when our faith is tested that we grow the most.  It is when we feel the most vulnerable and most likely to allow God to produce great change within us.

The fact that trials and struggles are both necessary and beneficial to us, does not make it easier to walk through these.  Times of personal struggle can be very isolating and lonely, we can feel as if no one understands, and as if we cannot find our way out of the darkness.  We all know what it is like to feel alone in times of struggle, and I believe this is part of the reason we all feel a deep desire to help others who are struggling.

When we "help" others who are struggling, there are some things not to do.  The following list is compiled from experiences I have had, and from discussions with hundreds of families who have gone through suffering and trials (being a social worker has the benefit of gaining several perspectives of a topic).

Suggesting God is using the trial to punish someone:

I cannot believe I have to say this, but sadly I do.  While God does discipline his people for their own good, He does not ever use hardship and trials to punish us for an action or lack of action!  Jesus paid the price for our sins already, no punishment is ever needed or given.  God will sometimes allow us to walk through a period of difficulty, not in reaction to something done or not done, but rather to give us the opportunity to reap a blessing.

I have had people who I valued in my life say to me during times of extreme hardship that "You must have done something that God is punishing you for, what do you think it is?"  I know this person thought they were being helpful, but they were not.  Hearing this could have the potential of making the person suffering to feel like God is vengeful and angry, not compassionate and full of love.

The truth of God is that he is a loving God, he does not "make us" walk through trials, rather he allows us (remember Job?) to go through trials for a reason.  He sees the growth and blessings that can result from trials and hardship.

Suggesting the hardship is for the best:

This is different than reminding others that God uses hardship to bring blessings and that He knows more than we ever can.  I am appalled by the number of times I have been told by parents who have lost children, that loved ones tried to comfort them with comments like "God must have known your son/daughter was going to wander away from his/her faith, so He took them home, what a blessing"  What?!?!  Are you kidding?  Don't ever say this to a parent who has lost a child, it is mean, lacking in insight and thoughtless- and it causes much more pain than you can ever imagine.

Trials are for our benefit, and God always has a plan, but it is seldom helpful to hear that the deepest pain we are feeling is "for the best".  When we experience a significant loss, or hardship, we need to be reminded that God loves us and will walk us through the challenge.

What is helpful?

I'm glad you asked!  What is helpful, is to be there in love.  Sometimes, you cannot fix a problem, all you can do is be there.  When my mom passed away, I was out of the state and needed to fly back.  One of my closest friends met me at the airport, meals in her car, and she just drove me to my moms home.  She didn't make me talk, she allowed me to make that 45 min drive in silence and when I got our of her car, she just gave me a hug and said that she loved me.

That was more helpful and compassionate than the others who told me to be happy because my mother was not suffering anymore.  While I knew that was true, I was suffering a lot!  All I knew in that moment was that my heart was ripped open, raw with the recent loss and that I wanted my mom back.  The act of my friend, to not only show up, but to be comfortable just being with me, with no expectation, allowed me a chance to feel the pain and not feel completely alone.

When you counsel someone who is hurting, suffering or walking through a trial- remind them of Gods love.  Remind them that while we do not always have the answers, God does.  We don't always need the answers, we need faith.  We need to trust and hold on to Gods love.  He has told us that he will not leave us or forsake us, that he will hold us in his hands, and that he catches all our tears.  Remind them that  they are precious in Gods eyes and he will bring them through this trial.

Help loved ones see that God has already prepared them.  I have found that God always prepares us, and gives us what we need before we go through a trial.  He puts people in our lives who can understand, who love us and who can provide support.  He gives us insight, builds our strength and resolve prior to us going through hardship.  I know two families who have autistic children, when I see them, I am amazed at the grace and strength which they use to parent.  God gave them what they needed to survive.

The bottom line is, if we remember to be there in love and not feel like we have to find a reason or to fix everything, then our loved ones can experience the benefits of having faith tested and growing in perseverance.  It is not easy, but compassion and love must rule how we guide others through hardships.