I cannot fully explain how I am feeling, except that I am worn out. I try my best to love others, even when I feel unloveable and unloved. I do my best to stay strong, for a variety of reason, not the least of with includes the fact that I have to be strong for others in my life. That said, when I need someone to be strong for me, to take care of me and to shelter me from the wrongs of this world, I often find that I am alone.
I have a husband with health issues, both physical and mental health. It is exhausting to transition from the role of wife and partner to caretaker, but we have made that transition. He requires more help than I am able to give most days, but I do what I can-though I know it is not enough. He is not able to do what he used to, so I do a majority of the care of the pets, the house and work. I cook, do most of the laundry, plan our social lives, keep up with his families obligations, and try to ensure that he is well cared for. He helps when he can, which is becoming less and less.
On top of work, I have a few friends struggling. One is watching a loved one die of cancer and is feeling helpless. The other has severe chronic health issues and troubles at work. I do my best to care for them too. I also work in Home health care as a social worker, which means I take care of my clients and the caregivers.
So here is my problem. God is sufficient, of this I have no doubt. I know that he asks us to walk the path chosen for us and that he asks us to do so for a reason. We don't always know the reasons, we don't always get to know if we are walking the path correctly, but we know that he guides us. I know this, but I am human.
As a human, we need relational interactions that hold us accountable, build us up and catch us when we are falling. Right now in my life, I do not have that. My parents are gone, the grandparents whom I loved so dearly are gone and my son is living far away living his life. I cannot share the struggles of my marriage, which are great, because my husband wants his health issues kept private, and he is entitled to that respect. In the same vain, he is not able to support me or love me. He takes, but gives less and less. I am tired.
I am tired of giving and not getting anything back. I am tired of bring to put on a happy face, when every single day, I live with incredible physical pain. I am tired of crying because I feel that I am not lovable to any other, except Jesus, and isn't that sad? I'm tired because I don't sleep like I used to. I wake up in the middle of the night with great pain, and then I lie awake perseverating that I haven't done enough (did I make that call at work, why didn't I do the dishes, I really need to get laundry done and get in a work out, the dogs really should be brushed more, and when will I have time to clean up the yard?)
I am worn out. I feel like my heart broke a few years ago, and has never quite healed. I feel very alone in my home. I am physically and mentally broken and worn. I feel like I am empty, like parts of my heart have died and cannot be restored.
I want to feel whole again, to feel loved again. I remember what it was like to know, without a doubt, that I was important to another human being, and I miss that so much. I miss having a partner instead of a patient. I miss being able to tell someone that I need to be cared for. I miss my husbands back rubs with gentle hands, the soft touch that let me feel his love for me. I want to be able to cry to someone, to let the hurt out, so I can heal my heart and move on. I want to know that this struggle ends, and it gets better.
I am worn.
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