Tomorrow is Easter

Tomorrow is Easter, and all I am able to think about today is how much I miss my family.  There is a trauma to losing ones family that cannot be explained to others.  One has to experience the loss to understand it fully, to completely grasp the depths of the loss and how it pervades nearly every day of our lives.

Tomorrow is Easter, and while other families are making preparations to celebrate together, to go to church together and to gather for egg hunts, baskets and large meals, I am sad and remembering Easter past.  I miss my Mom and the uncle who took care of us, Fred.  I miss them every single day, and often think that they were taken too soon from my life.  I am convinced that a child, no matter the age, never really heals from the loss of a parent figure.

Our parents shape who we are as individuals, they give us our first understanding of the world and how it works.  We look to them for guidance, support and encouragement-even when we think we don't need them anymore, we do. This is part of my sadness, after all I spoke with my mom and Fred literally every single day until they died.  I will never get over missing their calls or being able to call them, but there is more to this sadness.

Tomorrow is Easter, and I have a large extended family, who will all be gathering to celebrate.  I am not included.  Not because of anything I did.  There was a trauma to the family that divided brothers and sisters.  As a result, my aunt and cousins separated from my mom and myself.  I  miss my cousins and my aunt terribly, however, reconciliation is not an option for reasons much to complicated to discuss here.

Tomorrow is Easter, and my son lives in Miami while I am here in Milwaukee.  I miss him terribly, and miss how we used to talk nearly every single day just to catch up.  I miss hearing his laughter and listening to him as he explored the world and developed into a young man.  He is involved with a serious girlfriend, and is the nature of growing up, he is forced to separate a bit from his parents.  He loves us, and we love him, but men draw to the women they love and pull away from their parents.

The old adage says, "A son is a son, until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life".  I think there is some truth in that.  I understand it, but I miss him terribly and I wish we still had the connection we used to have.  When we talk, I hear in his voice the boredom, the obligation and it makes me sad.

Tomorrow, for the Easter holiday, I will be with my in-laws.  To my husband, it will be a joyous time, but for me it will be lonely.  I will deal with overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss, while he is embraced by family.  His family, wonderful as they are, do not really care for me.  They are nice to me, but to be honest, I will spend most of the dinner sitting quietly and listening to all the stories and wishing for one more day with Fred, my mom, my husband and my son in a room.  All of us laughing, drinking coffee and sharing memories-that would be better than almost anything I can imagine.  I would give anything for just one more day with my family, one more day when I didn't feel so alone and left behind.

But, tomorrow is Easter.  It is not about my family and how terribly I miss them.  It is a time for celebration because our Lord and Savior overcame death and rose from the grave, so that we may all live.  He was beaten, betrayed, tortured, and died to pay for my sins.  I will look to heaven and be thankful for all the blessings I have.  I will keep my eyes on the one who created me and loved me enough to die for my transgressions.