A Perfect Sign at the Perfect Time

The other day, I left my home feeling extremely stressed and worn out.  The troubles of life were weighing me down-issues with my health, my marriage, work and current events all combined to make me feel burdened and buried under it all. Before pulling out of the garage, I stopped and prayed to God to lift the burdens of my heart and remind me that He is there with me.

I started my drive, still feeling overwhelmed.  I have a routine that I find comfort in-I have my cup of coffee and always listen to the Christian music station on my way to work.  I find that the music prepares my heart for the day and gets me focused on God.  It helps me to live the life that I want to live-one that points others to Christ.  On this particular day, however, it was not helping.  Usually, I find that the weights of my worries tend to lift and I am able to put my attention and focus where it needs to be-not this day.  As I drove, I continued to feel the crushing weights of my worries.

Then I saw it, something that changed my day, my perspective and my heart.  A rainbow.  I have to step back here and tell you that it was not raining that morning, and had not rained in several days, it was a sunny morning with blue skies- no reason to expect a rainbow, yet there it was.  As I marveled at the beauty of a rainbow against bright blue skies, I was drawn to remember the story of the rainbow and Gods covenant with his children in the Bible.  After the great flood, God sent the rainbow as an eternal sign of his promise to his children.  I was not alone, He was there with me, ready to carry the burdens of society, my marriage, my health, my work, and other worries, I didn't even know I had.

Suddenly, I was filled with joy, an incomprehensible joy that overwhelmed me and lifted me out of the depths of depression I was falling into.  My God, he cared for me so much that when I needed a sign the most, He sent a sign for all the world to see (or at least my fellow commuters).  I wonder, as I sit here and type this, how many other people noticed that rainbow a few days ago?  How many people wondered why it was there?

I love that God does that.  He reaches down from heaven, when we need Him and sends us what we need.  Few people know all the stressors in my life, I do not share them openly or often.  That said, it is a wonderful feeling to know that God knows every corner of my heart and He loves me enough to send me reassurance when I need it.  I love that God looks out for us, each one of us.  He doesn't expect us to be perfect, He loves us as we are.

Many times over the years, I have needed a miracle or a sign.  They have always come exactly when I needed them in exactly the form I needed, and this amazes me.  I believe that God does this for everyone, we just have to be willing to look and listen, and slow down to see them.

 

A Look at Romans 1:1-17

I love to read the Bible and really dig into the word, to really ponder it, think about it and learn it.  I believe that is the only way to really place it in your heart.  Today, I began my study of Romans.  I was immediately taken with the first verse, Paul calls himself a servant of Christ (NIV).  At first, my thought was that showed his dedication to Christ, for servants choose to serve their masters.  Then I did some research, and learned that the original word Paul used, when he wrote Romans, was doulos, which is a greek word that should be translated as slave, not servant.

That one realization changed how I interpreted that verse!  Paul is saying, not that he chose to serve Christ, but that he was compelled by the Holy Spirit to serve Christ.  Slaves do not have freedom, the are owned-Paul is owned by Christ.  To me, that is a beautiful reference, that shows how completely God and Jesus take our hearts, if we get out of our own way!  Paul also notes that he was called to be an apostle of the gospel.  Did you get that?  He was called, again, he is not giving himself credit or patting himself on the back.  Seems like a small thing at first, but is it?

Lets take a moment and think about how we often refer to ourselves.  We say that we are followers of Christ or that we serve Christ.  How often do we put the emphasis on what God is doing or has done instead of what we are doing?   I think it shows Pauls heart-his God first, then himself.  He recognizes that it was Christ who set him apart and that he is completely covered by Christs love.  He cannot walk away, even if he wanted to (and why would he want to?) because Christ owns him.  I love that!

I also love the encouragement that Paul gives to the Roman church in the first chapter.  He tells them that they are in his prayers "at all times".  He says that he longs to see them so that they can be "mutually encouraged by each others faith".  Imagine that, Paul, one of the greatest apostles needed to be encouraged in his faith too!  That gives me hope and comforts me more than I realized.

This is why it is so important to have Christian friends, not onlyChristian friends, but it is important that we do have friends who share our faith.  Other Christians encourage us, lift us up and hold us accountable.  It is far to easy to justify poor behavior or poor decisions if we are caught up in this world.  The world says that it is ok to bend moral law if your intentions are good, if you really want it, or if it benefits you.  Moral law does not bend, other Christians can help remind you of this.  Other Christians know the heartbreak of wanting to be better than we are, and falling short daily.

I love that Paul goes on to boldly say, "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes; first for the Jew, then for the gentile" (Rom 1:16, NIV).  I long to have that bold, outspoken and confident faith.  To be able to proclaim the truth from the mountaintops without faltering.  I believe in the gospel, however, I find that often times, I ponder it quietly in my heart, I am slow to verbalize Gods power in my life-although I am getting better.

 I find that I am worried how others will perceive me.  It is easier to be bold when I am with other believers, but how often do I speak of Gods great love and His impact in my life when I am speaking with a non believer who may mock me or belittle my view?  Not as often as I would like.  I find that the book of Romans is a great place to delve into and really find the strength needed to proclaim the truth.  Paul states it so eloquently in verse 16, doesn't he?  The gospel is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. That's all we have to do, believe.  No works are required, no actions, just faith-and we are all saved.

I love that.

I'm Tired

There is a song by Tenth Avenue North titled "Worn"; that song sums up perfectly how I feel today.  I am tired and worn out.  I feel like parts of my heart have died and as if I am being crushed by the weight of the world today.

I cannot fully explain how I am feeling, except that I am worn out.  I try my best to love others, even when I feel unloveable and unloved.  I do my best to stay strong, for a variety of reason, not the least of with includes the fact that I have to be strong for others in my life.  That said, when I need someone to be strong for me, to take care of me and to shelter me from the wrongs of this world, I often find that I am alone.

I have a husband with health issues, both physical and mental health.  It is exhausting to transition from the role of wife and partner to caretaker, but we have made that transition.  He requires more help than I am able to give most days, but I do what I can-though I know it is not enough.  He is not able to do what he used to, so I do a majority of the care of the pets, the house and work.  I cook, do most of the laundry, plan our social lives, keep up with his families obligations, and try to ensure that he is well cared for.  He helps when he can, which is becoming less and less.

On top of work, I have a few friends struggling.  One is watching a loved one die of cancer and is feeling helpless.  The other has severe chronic health issues and troubles at work.  I do my best to care for them too.  I also work in Home health care as a social worker, which means I take care of my clients and the caregivers.

So here is my problem.  God is sufficient, of this I have no doubt.  I know that he asks us to walk the path chosen for us and that he asks us to do so for a reason.  We don't always know the reasons, we don't always get to know if we are walking the path correctly, but we know that he guides us.  I know this, but I am human.

As a human, we need relational interactions that hold us accountable, build us up and catch us when we are falling.  Right now in my life, I do not have that.  My parents are gone, the grandparents whom I loved so dearly are gone and my son is living far away living his life.  I cannot share the struggles of my marriage, which are great, because my husband wants his health issues kept private, and he is entitled to that respect.  In the same vain, he is not able to support me or love me.  He takes, but gives less and less.  I am tired.

I am tired of giving and not getting anything back.  I am tired of bring to put on a happy face, when every single day, I live with incredible physical pain.  I am tired of crying because I feel that I am not lovable to any other, except Jesus, and isn't that sad?  I'm tired because I don't sleep like I used to.  I wake up in the middle of the night with great pain, and then I lie awake perseverating that I haven't done enough (did I make that call at work, why didn't I do the dishes, I really need to get laundry done and get in a work out, the dogs really should be brushed more, and when will I have time to clean up the yard?)

I am worn out.  I feel like my heart broke a few years ago, and has never quite healed.  I feel very alone in my home.  I am physically and mentally broken and worn.  I feel like I am empty, like parts of my heart have died and cannot be restored.

I want to feel whole again, to feel loved again.  I remember what it was like to know, without a doubt, that I was important to another human being, and I miss that so much.  I miss having a partner instead of a patient. I miss being able to tell someone that I need to be cared for.  I miss my husbands back rubs with gentle hands, the soft touch that let me feel his love for me.  I want to be able to cry to someone, to let the hurt out, so I can heal my heart and move on.  I want to know that this struggle ends, and it gets better.

I am worn.

Is Love Really Enough?

We have all heard the expression, "Love is enough". That expression captures a woman's heart, many women have had those exact words tattooed on their bodies to remind them that love is enough.  But is it?

For this discussion, I have to start by saying, that I believe there are two meanings to the word "love".  The first meaning is the emotion of love.  It is perhaps the most commonly accepted and thought of meaning when we say the word "love".  It is the heart pounding, time slowing phenomenon that we experience when we are near another soul that matches ours perfectly.  It is a wonderful emotion that has the power to transform hearts, make us more successful and change our lives; and when it wanes, it has the ability to crush a heart, break a soul and make life dark.

That is just the problem with this type of love.  It is wonderful, and can lift us to great heights.  We are right to embrace it, chase it and desire to experience it.  However, it is an emotion, held by imperfect humans.  This means that the emotion of love will wax and wane.  No matter how deeply we love another soul, there will be times we feel the emotion more deeply and times we feel it less or even not at  all.  This is how many relationships fall apart, disintegrate or dissolve.   Our emotions are meant to fluctuate, its how we experience the world. Given this meaning of love, I would say that love is not always enough.  Need proof?  Talk to any married couple, or any couple who has been devoted to each other for many years.  What you hear are stories of forgiveness, compromise and sometimes just fighting to make it work.  Many of these couples say it is hard work, and not love that kept them together.

That brings me to the second meaning of the word love.  Love is not only an emotion, it is also a verb.  We love one another when we care for each other, when we are able to put ourselves second and others needs above ours.  When we feed the hungry, shelter those in need or reach out to another soul who is hurting, we exhibit love.  It is not a feeling, but actions.

This love is much more difficult, primarily because it puts us in a vulnerable position, sets us up to be hurt and takes great sacrifice from us.  When those couples who have been together , devoted to each other, for years speak of compromise, forgiveness, and hard work-that is love.  It is not the feeling, it is being prepared to dig in, get our hands dirty and do the work needed to make another person a priority.

This is the love we were created to experience.  God created us to love Him and one another.  We are relational creatures who benefit greatly from showing love to others.  Research shows that those who give the most, feel more satisfied with their own lives, feel less stress and accomplish more than those who give less.  The Bible is full of verses encouraging us to love one another, to give to others generously.

It is the kind of love that takes great courage but it is, and always will be, enough.  So yes, dear friends, Love is enough-if that love is action and not emotion.

Life is Full of Blessings-If You Know where to Look

Life can be wild, crazy and full of surprises.  Too often, we focus on the negative, not the blessings bestowed upon us every day.  This was made abundantly clear to me yesterday while working.

 I contacted a clients daughter, and after generic salutations, she asked the colloquial "how are you?".

I responded "I am absolutely wonderful, thank you for asking".

That simple answer, one of truth and contentment, caused the daughter to stop and take notice.  She said "Wow, people don't usually say that, they usually say 'Not so good'. "

That little exchange got me thinking.  Why do we focus on the negatives in our lives?  Why don't we look at our lives and see the miraculous that surrounds us daily?

Look at this picture, it was taken a few years ago on a vacation my husband and I took to Gooseberry Falls in Wisconsin.  Between the trees growing out of rocks, the gorgeous waterfalls, and the stunning rock formations, it's hard to find anything negative.  This is one of my favorite places on Earth- I find it's relaxing and peaceful.

Still, even in this seeming paradise, people will complain about the crowds, the fact that the gift shop didn't have such and such or that the bugs are disagreeable!  Even when surrounded by beauty and proof of Gods majesty and His creation, we still find things to complain about-that is a sure defect of the human race.

We need to stop and take in the blessings that surround us every single day.  I suffer from chronic pain, each and every day I wake up in pain and feel pain nearly every minute of every day.  That said, I have the ability to walk, to move, to do what I need to do every day.  I feel blessed to have a home filled with pets that have captured my heart.  I love that I have a job I love with coworkers who are amazing.

I notice the sunrises, sunsets, and the cloud formations. The other day, on my way to work, I saw the most beautiful sunrise, it literally took my breath away!  How can I not be grateful?

It is my belief that we need to focus more on the blessings in our lives.  When we focus on the negative, we see more negative, it shades how we perceive the world around us.  The same is true when we choose to focus on the positive.  Make no mistake, it is a choice. Below are some suggestions for learning to focus on the positive:

1. Make gratitude a habit: Like any other behavior change, it takes time and practice.  Take time every single day to stop, even for a moment, and focus on whats good and right.  Notice a gentle breeze, your breath,  take in the view from where you are.  We are surrounded every day with blessings and miracles.  Don't believe that?  Take a moment and think about how different people are- each one of us is created to be different, to fill a different purpose.  Amazing.
2. When negative thoughts creep in, turn it around: When you find yourself thinking a negative thought or focusing on the not so positive, catch yourself, stop and turn it around.  Sure, I have pain every day, I could focus on the chronic pain, or I can focus on the fact that I am able to get out bed and move everyday.  I can stress about being busy at work, or I can choose to focus on the fact that I have a job with really great coworkers.
3. Change your self talk: One of the biggest changes I made when learning to focus on the positive was to change one phrase.  Instead of saying "I have to go to the store" or "I have to clean the house, I learned to say, "I get to".  I have the ability and means to go to the grocery store when I want to, I have a home I love and I get to keep it clean.  That simple change, goes a long way towards changing our focus.  
4. No complaining: Its hard at first, but really make a commitment to not complain.  If you are unhappy with someone, talk to them.  If you are unhappy with a situation take steps to change it. learn to be proactive, complaining doesn't change our circumstances, instead it gives us permission to focus on the negative and wallow in self pity-not a pretty look on any of us.

Try these few items for just two weeks and see if your focus is not changed.  Once you begin to focus on the positive in your life, you will see life in a different way.

Tomorrow is Easter

Tomorrow is Easter, and all I am able to think about today is how much I miss my family.  There is a trauma to losing ones family that cannot be explained to others.  One has to experience the loss to understand it fully, to completely grasp the depths of the loss and how it pervades nearly every day of our lives.

Tomorrow is Easter, and while other families are making preparations to celebrate together, to go to church together and to gather for egg hunts, baskets and large meals, I am sad and remembering Easter past.  I miss my Mom and the uncle who took care of us, Fred.  I miss them every single day, and often think that they were taken too soon from my life.  I am convinced that a child, no matter the age, never really heals from the loss of a parent figure.

Our parents shape who we are as individuals, they give us our first understanding of the world and how it works.  We look to them for guidance, support and encouragement-even when we think we don't need them anymore, we do. This is part of my sadness, after all I spoke with my mom and Fred literally every single day until they died.  I will never get over missing their calls or being able to call them, but there is more to this sadness.

Tomorrow is Easter, and I have a large extended family, who will all be gathering to celebrate.  I am not included.  Not because of anything I did.  There was a trauma to the family that divided brothers and sisters.  As a result, my aunt and cousins separated from my mom and myself.  I  miss my cousins and my aunt terribly, however, reconciliation is not an option for reasons much to complicated to discuss here.

Tomorrow is Easter, and my son lives in Miami while I am here in Milwaukee.  I miss him terribly, and miss how we used to talk nearly every single day just to catch up.  I miss hearing his laughter and listening to him as he explored the world and developed into a young man.  He is involved with a serious girlfriend, and is the nature of growing up, he is forced to separate a bit from his parents.  He loves us, and we love him, but men draw to the women they love and pull away from their parents.

The old adage says, "A son is a son, until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life".  I think there is some truth in that.  I understand it, but I miss him terribly and I wish we still had the connection we used to have.  When we talk, I hear in his voice the boredom, the obligation and it makes me sad.

Tomorrow, for the Easter holiday, I will be with my in-laws.  To my husband, it will be a joyous time, but for me it will be lonely.  I will deal with overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss, while he is embraced by family.  His family, wonderful as they are, do not really care for me.  They are nice to me, but to be honest, I will spend most of the dinner sitting quietly and listening to all the stories and wishing for one more day with Fred, my mom, my husband and my son in a room.  All of us laughing, drinking coffee and sharing memories-that would be better than almost anything I can imagine.  I would give anything for just one more day with my family, one more day when I didn't feel so alone and left behind.

But, tomorrow is Easter.  It is not about my family and how terribly I miss them.  It is a time for celebration because our Lord and Savior overcame death and rose from the grave, so that we may all live.  He was beaten, betrayed, tortured, and died to pay for my sins.  I will look to heaven and be thankful for all the blessings I have.  I will keep my eyes on the one who created me and loved me enough to die for my transgressions.

Faith and Politics

I am often amused and astounded by the questions we are able to contrive while speaking together.  Not too long ago, a friend and co-worker asked me this question, "I'm curious how you reconcile your religious beliefs with your political beliefs?"

This may seem innocuous, however I was taken aback.  It never occurred to me that my Christian beliefs would not fall completely in line with my moderate, yet slightly conservative political beliefs.  My response was simply that I thought they reconciled themselves just fine, and I went back to work.  This may seem like a cop out, but the truth is, the answer is not a quick and simple answer.

I am passionate about my faith, and I do not take questions about it lightly.  I never turn down the opportunity to share my faith and answer questions of those who may be seeking answers-not that I have all the answers (I am a far cry from that), but I want to try.  I want others to feel free to discuss their doubts with me and to explore why they believe what they do; still, to try and tie my political and spiritual beliefs together in a tight little bow while at work would do a disservice to my answer and my coworker.  In fairness to my friend, I told him that I would post my answer here for him to read.

My Faith-the Basics:
I am a Christian, more specifically, I am of the Lutheran faith.  I believe that Jesus Christ came down from heaven, lived the perfect life that I never could, died a terrible death (paying for the sins of myself and every other person past, present and future) , He defeated death, rose again and gives me (and all other believers) eternal life with Him.

It is not enough to merely say "I believe".  My faith teaches that faith is what redeems us and saves us, however, as the James tells us in the Bible "What good is it brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?  Can such faith save them?  faith, by itself, if it is not accompanied by actions, is dead" (James 2:14,17b).  More on that in a different post, but basically, if we believe that Christ is our savior, then we are compelled by the love in our hearts to perform deeds.

I believe that we are called to love others with all our hearts, even when it is not easy or convenient.  We are called to love, even those who dislike us, mistreat us, and hurt us.  We are called to love, even when we will receive no recognition and will not receive any love in return.  We love, because God loves us, and our hearts overflow with love.

That's it, this is  the super basic, primer on my faith.  It is overly simplistic, but for the purpose of this post it will do.

My Politics, the very basics:
I do not affiliate with one party, democrat, republican or tea party.  I feel that my political beliefs fall in the moderate range, leaning more right than center.  If forced to choose a party, I would lean towards Republican, however, I see merits to each party.  My belief is that we are to be fiscally responsible, personally and publicly.  I am disheartened by the entitlement culture that is developing (another post, again), and how we are losing sight of what makes this country great.

I believe that we are to take care of those in need and that some public assistance programs are necessary, however they have grown to ridiculous proportions and if we continue on this path, this country will be bankrupt and will have nothing.  I also believe that government should not interfere in individual lives or business, except in rare instances.  I do not believe the Affordable Healthcare Act is a good thing, not because I don't think everyone deserves affordable health care, but because I believe everyone should have the option of affordable healthcare, not the mandate of it.

I also believe in personal responsibility.  This is not a  popular thought, but I believe that if you make a choice, you should live with the consequences.  The fact that this country is dead set on bailing every dim wit who makes a bad decision out of  trouble, and that we allow people to sue big corporations for frivolous reasons is terrible.  We, as a nation, have lost sight with  the fact we as individuals are responsible for our choices.  I could write about this for hours, but you get the gist.

Do they really "Mesh"?
So how do these ideas mesh together?  I think they mesh beautifully.  We are called to love one another, that means several things:

• we are called to care for those who cannot care for themselves
• we are called not to take advantage of or hurt others intentionally
• we are called to rectify our wrongs when we do hurt others.

Did you get the first point?  We are called to care for those who cannot care for themselves.  We are not called to care for those who choose not to care for themselves.  If you are able bodied, intelligent, and capable of working, but you would  prefer to sit at home and hang with your buddies or watch tv, that is your right.  However, if you choose to do that, do not ask me to assist you in that endeavor.  If you cannot work, truly have fallen on hard times and are struggling, I am there to help anytime.  

I try not to take advantage of others or be hurtful, but I am far from perfect.  When I learn that I have hurt someone, I do what I can to make it right.  I do not believe in being vengeful or holding a grudge- that is not love.  

We are called to love one another, we are to help one another and to be there for each other.  The truth is, if we, as a nation of individuals, did this (took care of one another), we would not have a need for entitlement programs.  This is a wealthy country with an overabundance of resources, if we all worked to care for each other, and all gave to their ability, no one would be hungry, alone, battered or scared.  We would care for our elderly, homeless, children, vulnerable patients, the mentally ill, the physically ill and all the other special populations.  

We need to be fiscally responsible as well.  To spend money that we don't have, whether "we" are the government, or individual homes, is wrong and against Gods word.  God calls us to be good stewards of the gifts we are given.  We are not squander them, and we are not to hoard them.  God gave this nation, everything we need to care for everyone.  If we all looked to his word and followed His instructions, the whole country would be a better place.  

It may seem optimistic, or naive, but that is my belief.  I do not see any incongruence between my faith and my political beliefs.